


Thoughts and Insecurities

by IcarusWings87



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Eating Disorder, F/F, Insecurities, Self-Image
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-06-01 00:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 60,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6493903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcarusWings87/pseuds/IcarusWings87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nozomi always feels just a little different from the others, even on good days. On the bad days, her self image gets to her. But she tries her best for Muse, regardless. And Eli is always there for her - when Nozomi decides to let her in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Trouble Begins...

**Author's Note:**

> This is something that has been flittering around in my brain for a bit. Gonna see where it takes me. I love Nozomi. I love her and Eli very much. But I can't help think that there is more going on in Nozomi's brain than she lets on. This is my way of exploring a little bit of it.

Nozomi sat looking out of the window of her classroom. Her head wasn’t in class today, but then again, her cards predicted as much when she did her morning drawing. The teacher was going on about history. And while Nozomi usually found history not so boring, her mind was worrying about other things. Muse, mostly. Dance routines, songs, hand placement, singing, smiling and costumes. Nozomi sighed deeply, drawing a few looks from her fellow classmates around her. And as she shifted in her seat to look down at her notebook in front her, she just missed Eli glancing at her briefly over her shoulder from the desk in front of Nozomi. It wasn’t like Nozomi to be so restless, Eli thought. Even if she was bored with class, she always brought a book to read. She’d spent much of her time when they first met reading. But that was also before they got to know each other so well. 

A sudden clearing of the teacher’s throat and Eli had her eyes forward once more, looking at the front of the room realizing, with an embarrassed expression that she had been called upon to read. She quickly stood and began to read from the chapter.

Nozomi, however, was still so lost in her thoughts, that she didn’t notice this occur right in front of her. When the end of class came, she idly began to gather her things. Eli did the same, and slung her bag over her shoulder. She watched her friend carefully as Nozomi placed her things in her bag. Looking at her watch, it was lunchtime, so Eli did what came natural.

“Where do you want to eat lunch today, Nozomi?” Eli asked. Nozomi blinked and looked up. Forgetting that Eli shared the desk in front of her. An unusual occurrence for Nozomi, but it happened from time to time when her thoughts were a little too loud. 

“Eh?” Nozomi asked, holding her bag. 

Eli smiled, softly at her friend. Nozomi was hiding something, but Eli didn’t think it was best to pry, so she just acted normal. 

“I asked where you wanted to eat lunch today. We could eat in the student council room, but it’s pretty stuffy these days. So, I was thinking, if you didn’t have a better idea, we could eat on the roof since we don’t have practice during lunch today.” Eli asked, stepping to Nozomi’s side as they made their way out of the classroom and into the hall.

“Either is fine, Elicchi,” Nozomi commented, placing a placating smile on her face to hide her inner chaos. “Lunch will still be lunch whereever we eat it, right?”

Eli casually returned the smile and began to lead the two of them towards the stair well. “True enough, Nozomi. The roof it is. Alisa and I made rice balls last night as a special treat. I wanted to share them with you.” She beams at Nozomi. 

Nozomi can’t help but actually smile at the joy on her best friend’s face. Eli was the center of her world until Muse came along. She still is, really. Eli is the shining star in her life and just seeing the other girl happy makes her insides feel warm. Eli was popular, talented and beautiful - even with her blonde hair that made her stand out so much. Nozomi smiled as she continued to follow Eli up the stairs, until suddenly she stopped in her place. 

“Shoot,” Nozomi muttered, causing Eli to stop in her tracks. 

“What is it, Nozomi? Did you forget something in the classroom?” Eli asked curiously. 

“No, I forgot that I told Kotori I would meet her on my break. She wanted to talk about my costume for our upcoming performance. Something about trying it on or final adjustments or something.” Nozomi said, shrugging. She checked her watch. It was still early. 

“Oh, Okay.” Eli said, looking disappointed. She looked up the stairs for a moment. 

Nozomi picked up on Eli’s mood right away and added quickly. 

“It shouldn’t take very long, Elicchi. You go ahead and I’ll catch up as soon as I’m done, okay?” Nozomi smiles at the her friend, the lids of her half moon eyes closing pleasingly to show Eli that she was looking forward to lunch even if she would be late. 

Eli perked up and nodded enthusiastically at her purple haired friend. “Ok! I’ll set out the blanket and food and I’ll see you soon.” Eli smiled and continued on her way up the stairs. Nozomi turned in the opposite direction and made her way to the club room, her thoughts only partly full of her worries from before. Now they were filled with more than hunger for lunch. But filled with the sunshine that was Elicchi.

\----  
Coming to the club room door, she knocked twice and heard the familiar, high pitched voice of Kotori come from within. Nozomi slid the door open and stepped in, closing it behind her. 

“Konnichwa, Kotori-chan,” Nozomi smiled at her junior, setting her bag on a nearby desk. “I’m sorry I’m late. I got talking with Elicchi.”

Kotori giggled a bit as she finished sewing a stitch on one of their costumes for their upcoming performance. “It’s okay, Nozomi-Senpai. I needed to finish this anyways.” 

“Good, I’m glad I wasn’t an inconvenience,” Nozomi beamed and then leaned against the edge of the desk, her back to it. She faced Kotori as the other girl set down the costume she was working on. By the looks of its short length it belonged to Nico. That girl was cute, but tiny. Nozomi laughed a bit. “So, Kotori-chan, what did you want to talk to me about?” Nozomi asked, facing the other girl, who was now looking at some papers on a clipboard.

“Well,” Kotori started, a little timidly, but shyly. “I needed to measure you again. You see, the pattern I’m using is a little tricky and while most everyone else should be fine you are a little more...um...larger in certain places.”

Kotori’s face flushed slightly and so did Nozomi’s. She was used to this, her bust was much larger than the other girls, even Elicchi’s, but Nozomi didn’t think needed measuring again. 

“My bust size hasn’t changed, Kotori-chan,” Nozomi commented. “I’m not sure why you need to measure again.”

“Um...well…” Kotori started. “It’s your hips and waist I need to measure, actually. The last outfit I did for you was a little tight in that area so I wanted to double check, especially with the pattern I’m using. Everyone else is….” Kotori started, but didn’t finish her thought before Nozomi could beat her to it. 

“Not as shapely…” Nozomi sighed, putting it lightly. Everyone in Muse was average sized or thinner. Except for Nozomi, who had the unfortunate curse of having a little more in certain parts of her body. She was just curvier. But Nozomi didn’t look at this in a good way. It made her stand out, insecure. And it made some of her costumes stand out more in places, aside from her large bust. “I get it, Kotori-chan. Let’s just get it over with. Get what you need so we can get ready for the next show.”

Kotori just nodded. She didn’t touch on the already touchy subject, so she got to measuring Nozomi as quickly as she could. By the time it was finished, Nozomi’s mood was in the floor. She only smiled out of pure habit as Kotori finished up, making light conversation. When Kotori was done, she glanced over to the clipboard when the younger girl made a small noise that was not unlike displeasure. 

Nozomi arched her eyebrow slightly as she slid back on her school blazer. “What is it, Kotori-chan?”

Kotori looked up from her clipboard and at Nozomi. She looked like she was debating saying something, so Nozomi continued to smile in a reassuring manner. Kotori eventually answered. 

“It’s just that...well, Nozomi-senpai, you’ve gone up a size since last time I measured you.” Kotori answered as gently as possible. 

Nozomi frowned. The news hit her in a very insecure place. She knew she was a little larger than the other girls, but she didn’t think she had gained weight. And even when Honoka had gained some weight it hadn’t been too big of a deal. But Nozomi knew that her own curves would present more of a problem than Honoka eating too many breads for lunch. Kotori waited for a response quietly until Nozomi put on another smile, wiping away the worried moment for the other girl. 

“It’s okay, Kotori-chan. No need to worry. I’m a growing girl, after all, right? It’ll even out.” Nozomi responded, slinging her bag on her shoulder. 

Kotori looked relieved. “Of course, Nozomi-senpai.” Kotori set down her clipboard. “Thanks again for coming by. This will help me get your costume right.”

“No worries, Kotori-chan.” Nozomi answered in rote fashion as she headed for the door. “I’ll see you after school for practice.” 

Nozomi stepped out of the club room, closing the door behind her quietly. She leaned against the door for a moment before heading off in the opposite direction of the stairwell. It was safe to say that she was no longer hungry. Lunch was the last thing on her mind as the chaos in her brain took over once more and she walked quietly, by herself out the side door and onto the grounds. Her feet found her in a small garden behind the school away from others who where enjoying their lunch. She sat there, leaning on her hands, her elbows propped up on her knees. She let herself get fully lost in thought - forgetting all about poor Elicchi who was waiting on the roof.


	2. Lunch Time Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli waits for Nozomi at Lunch

Eli was waiting patiently on the roof for Nozomi to finish her meeting with Kotori. The blonde had spread out a small blue blanket and was now sitting facing the roof door, her back to the wall. In front of her was the medium sized bento box that Alisa and she had packed the night before along with Nozomi’s small purple bento she had taken from her before the two girls parted on the stairwell. 

Eli sighed a bit as she soaked in a bit of the warm sun. It was then that her stomach decided to make a small rumbling noise. Her face flushed in embarrassment and she checked her watch. Nozomi had been gone for a while. She guessed that her best friend’s meeting had gone longer than intended. 

Eli rubbed her stomach lightly in thought. One rice ball wouldn’t hurt. Nozomi would here soon, after all. She’d understand if Eli got started before she got back. And there would be plenty of food left for her. Eli smiled at her solution and opened her bento box in front of her. Taking out a rice ball, she nibbles on the end of it. 

While Eli sits there, her thoughts can’t help but drift to Nozomi. She smiles lightly, thinking about their quiet friendship. It started so innocently, with Nozomi introducing herself to Eli on the stairwell that day. Nozomi had stopped her after class. It was quite sudden, Eli recalled thinking. She was tired of all of these girls coming up to her and thinking that it would be good to be friends with her just because they thought she would be popular by doing so. Eli had already experienced a full week of it and was tired. She wanted to fit in, but not like this. So, in that moment, she sighed to herself before turning around. Eli faced the girl with one of her stern gazes demanding to know who this girl was. But even as she held her gaze, there was something endearing about her. The purple haired girl’s hesitant expression in that moment, of worry that she had done the wrong thing. There was an open honesty about it before it switched, in a moment of determination to a sweet, friendly smile as she introduced herself.

Eli was surprised by this turn of emotion, but she didn’t say anything about it. Merely nodded and in turn introduced herself. From there, Eli just remembers the little things. Nozomi and her gradually talking more and more, before and after class. And soon their friendship had bloomed into the quiet, understanding it was - until muse came into their lives. The group had brightened up their day to day. At least for Eli, it had. It had opened up her heart when she didn’t realize it had been closed. And Eli knew that it meant just as much to Nozomi as well. The Purple haired, twin tailed wearing girl couldn’t hide it from Eli - not even with her constant mask of an easy smile. 

Eli sighed and leaned her head back once again as she ate the last bite of her rice ball. Something was bothering Nozomi. It was obvious to Eli that her friend hadn’t been herself lately. She wanted to ask what was wrong but worried that Nozomi would only shut her out further as she tended to do sometimes. It was never angrily done, but the opposite - Nozomi would only say that nothing was wrong and smile that smile she always did when she was keeping others out. The smile that never reached her sympathetic, turquoise eyes. It was unbearable to see her friend cage herself like that. She used to do it a lot when they first started hanging out but over time, it had lessened as Eli and her became closer. And now with Muse, Nozomi tended to be at least a little more honest, especially when she was alone around Eli. But the old walls seemed to build back up lately. 

She wiped hands on a napkin and then once again checked her watch. She frowned. Lunch was almost over and Nozomi hadn’t come. Eli didn’t know where she was but if Eli wanted to make it back to class in time and still do her best she needed to eat quickly. She hated to do it, but she picked up her lunch and started to eat as much as she could before she had to head back down. As she brought the chopsticks to the bento and picked up a piece of rolled omelet, she glanced to the side at Nozomi’s purple bento box. She didn’t like the thought of Nozomi missing lunch. Perhaps her friend would be able to grab a quick bite before class if she was detained. That would be good, at least, even if she did miss their lunch date. 

Date? Thought Eli as she packed up her bento and tucked Nozomi’s in her satchel so she could give it back to the purple haired girl before class. Eli chuckled a bit at the silly thought of a date. A date among friends, maybe. They always ate lunch together, it was routine. And also, it was no big deal for Nozomi to miss one of the dozens...hundreds they had had together. 

So, why did Eli feel sad that she hadn’t made it to lunch? She couldn’t shake the disappointment at not getting to chat freely with her best friend and enjoy the rice balls she had made to share with Nozomi. She sighed once more. She seemed to be doing that a lot today. 

It was only after Eli arrived back at their classroom that she changed her train of thought. 

Eli had arrived back just in time for the bell to ring. She had almost been late as she had considered going by the club room to see if Nozomi was there and walked too slowly. When she settled in her desk and pulled out her books once more, her brain itched as though something was off. Still trying to figure out what was off, she accidentally dropped her pencil on the floor. When she rotated and bent over to pick it up, her gaze drifted to meet the girl who normally sat behind her. But she was only met with the site of an empty desk. She stared for a long while.

The teacher cleared their throat and Eli snapped back to paying attention to the front of the room. She straightened in her chair, but kept sneaking glances behind her to the empty desk. Where was Nozomi? 

Eli tried to pay attention to the teacher, but she found that it was futile. Her thoughts were full of her purple haired friend. She glanced at the sliding door to the classroom every few minutes, expecting Nozomi to come in late any moment. 

But that instance never came. 

In fact, Nozomi never came back to class that afternoon. 

And Eli was worried.


	3. Cried Herself to Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nozomi fell asleep. Guilt Sets in.

It wasn’t until the last school bell of the day rang, that Nozomi woke up, her eyelids fluttering rapidly as the late afternoon sun almost blinded her. She shut her eyes once more, trying to shake the haze from her thoughts. Her eyes felt puffy. Had she been crying? Where was she? When had she fallen asleep? She slowly let her eyes open once more, taking in her surroundings. 

 

Flowers, grass, bushes, the bench she was laying on. There was no mistaking it, she must have fallen asleep in the garden behind the school. 

 

_ ‘That’s right.’ _ she thought.  _ ‘I came back here to be alone for a bit until lunch was over. After the meeting with Kotori…’ _

 

Nozomi sighed as she remembered what had happened with the measuring session.  Once she had gotten alone and away from her classmates, her emotions had hit her full force and the water works had started. And eventually the exhaustion of holding everything inside had taken its toll and she had cried herself to sleep. 

 

Nozomi groaned a bit as she started to sit up, her muscles sore from the odd position she had been sleeping in. The numbness of her emotions had settled in now. The cry had done a little bit of good to dull the pain, but she could help but feel zapped. Well, at least the lack of intensity would allow her to more easily adopt her public smile. 

 

Nozomi stretched her arms up a bit, noticing then that her hair was a lay loose around her shoulders, one side having come out of her hair tie as the other sitting dangerously close to coming loose. Reaching up, she began to straighten her hair, working slowly and diligently as she found a hairbrush in her bag and went to work. 

 

Thinking back to earlier, she silently scolded herself. She’d skipped lunch, but then again, she hadn’t really been hungry. She still wasn’t. It didn’t really matter. 

 

She tied back the first of her low twintails and laid it down her back in its normal, more collected position. Then she started on the second one, when her hands stopped suddenly. She frowned more deeply. 

 

Not eating lunch wasn’t the problem here. Leaving Eli waiting was the problem. Nozomi brought a hand to her face. She sat there for a moment, contemplating everything. She’d messed up. She needed to find a way to make it up to Eli. She’d need to think of something before she saw her. Muse had practice this afternoon. Though, Nozomi could play things off as sickness and go home. Skipping one Muse practice wouldn’t hurt. She did miss the entire afternoon’s worth of class...

 

She sighed again, and went back to fixing her hair as she thought over what excuses she could make. Once she was finished, she returned her brush to her bag. It was then that she noticed the notification light on her phone was blinking. Opening her phone, she noticed she had 5 missed texts from Eli. 

 

As Nozomi read them, she bit her lip. Eli has asked where she was, why she missed lunch, why she wasn’t in any of the afternoon classes. The last one was simple, but knowing Eli, it was slightly desperate.

 

**_Txt from Elichi:_ ** _ “Nozomi, are you okay? Why won’t you answer me?” _

 

Nozomi steeled herself as she texted back. 

 

**Txt from Nozomi** :  _ “I’m sorry for missing lunch, Elichi. I should have said something. I wasn’t feeling well so I went to the nurse. I fell asleep. But I’m fine now. Feeling much better. I’ll see you at practice.” _

 

A moment later, a new text hit her phone.

 

**Txt from Elichi** :  _ “I’m glad you’re okay. I was worried when you didn’t come back to class. Are you sure you should come to practice if you don’t feel well? I’ll walk you home if you don’t feel well. The others will understand.” _

 

**Txt from Nozomi** :  _ “No, no. We have a performance in a few weeks, I can’t miss. Like I said, I’m okay. Just a little headache. I’ll see you in a few.” _

 

Nozomi put her phone away and stood up, shouldering her bag. She made her way out of the garden, intending on stopping by the bathroom to make sure her makeup wasn’t a complete wreck that she thought it might be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters are kind of short at the moment as I piece things together and get my stride. Working on making them a little longer. Don't worry, I'll keep updating.


	4. Worrying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli Worries. Nozomi wears a mask.

Eli made her way down the hall in the direction of the nurse’s office rather quickly. Once she had heard back from Nozomi, she felt relieved, but she needed to see her friend as soon as possible. She wanted to make sure she was okay with her own eyes, because for a brief moment, Eli thought that something really bad had happened to Nozomi.

 

Eli made it all the way to the nurse’s office without seeing Nozomi. Eli had thought that she would at least run into Nozomi on her way there, but perhaps Nozomi was just still inside the nurse’s office. So, Eli knocked politely on the door before opening it. 

 

“Sumimasen,” Eli says as she enters the nurse’s office. “I was looking for Tojo-san.”

 

Suzuki-Sensei, the english teacher, who also acted as the nurse, sat at the desk wearing white coat. Upon hearing Eli’s voice, she spun around in her chair, looking at Eli. “I’m afraid I can’t help you with that, Ayase-san.” 

 

“Oh, she left already. Alright. I’ll go find her. Arigato, Sensei,” Eli said, bowing. She then turned to leave but was stopped by the nurse’s voice.

 

“Ayase-san,” the Suzuki-Sensei began. “Tojo-san hasn’t been here today.” 

 

“Eh?” Eli said, eyes widening. “But why would she say she was here if she wasn’t?”

 

“That’s probably a question for Tojo-san, ne?” Suzuki-Sensei said with a reassuring smile.

 

“Hai, Sensei.” Eli said, bowing once more. “Arigato.” 

 

Eli made her way back into the hallway. She didn’t know why Nozomi had lied to her, but it bothered her more than she could say. She was Nozomi’s best friend after all. If she hadn’t been sick what was going on? Eli pulled out her phone to text Nozomi, but she couldn’t think of the words to type. She sighed, gripping the phone in her hand. She needed to talk to Nozomi not text her. She’d just have to think of the words on her way up to the club room. 

 

\----

Eli made it to the club room, but Nozomi wasn’t there. According to Nico, Nozomi had already headed up to the roof after she had gotten changed into her practice clothing. Eli confirmed this by noticing Nozomi’s bag and school uniform in her locker in the club room. Nico gave her an odd look before heading up to the roof herself. Eli quickly changed, grabbing her dance notebook, and then headed upstairs. 

 

When she reached the top of the stairs, Eli spotted Nozomi through the open door of the roof. She was at the far corner of the roof, doing her beginning stretches. Eli frowned. She had been doing that a lot today and it frustrated her that the cause of it was her best friend. Stepping out into the sunlight on the roof proper she was greeted by Honoka.

 

“Eli-chan!” the cheerful second year said in her usual enthusiastic manner. “You’re finally here. What took you so long?”

 

“Yeah, Nya~!” chimed in Rin from the blanket next to the wall. 

 

“Gomen, I had to make a stop before I came to the club room. But I’m here and ready to work. I finished the last part of the choreography,” Eli answered. Honoka nodded excitedly. 

 

“Yes! Now we can learn it and finish practicing for the live! We’ll win this round for sure! Even if we are going up against A-rise. “ Honoka exclaimed as she made a fighting pose as if challenging A-rise from afar. 

 

The rest of the girls laughed at her antics. Well, everyone except Nozomi who didn’t catch the scene. She was off in her own thoughts until the loud sound of the other girls’ laughter brought her out of them. She smiled a bit, but Eli immediately noticed that the smile was just another of Nozomi’s masks. It didn’t meet her eyes. And soon it was gone as she went back to focusing on stretching. 

 

Observing her friend more closely, Eli saw that she did look like she wasn’t feeling one hundred percent. Her color wasn’t great and she wasn’t focusing. Maybe she had been sick, but didn’t go to the nurse’s office? Eli shook her head slightly, letting it go for now.

 

“Alright, everyone. Let’s finish stretching and then get started learning this new choreography.” Eli said. 

 

“Hai!” called everyone, except Nozomi. But no one but Eli noticed this. 

 

Eli watched as the other girls got into their stretching pairs; Rin with Hanayo, Maki with Nico, Umi with Kotori and Honoka. Eli made her way over to Nozomi and offered her hand for Nozomi to take. Nozomi didn’t notice Eli until she was right above her. She jumped slightly. Eli knitted her brow in a bit of concern, but kept her smile directed at her friend. 

 

“Elichi, no sneaking up on me like that.” Nozomi commented, taking the blonde’s hand. 

 

“I didn’t sneak up on you, Nozomi,” Eli said, pulling Nozomi to her feet. “You just weren’t paying attention.” 

 

Nozomi frowns a bit before saying. “No, I was, you’re just sneaky.” She lets go of Eli’s hand with a slight huff, her brow furrowing a bit. 

 

Eli extends her index finger and pokes Nozomi between her eyebrows.

 

“Hey!” Nozomi exclaims. 

 

“One, No frowning,” Eli says quietly before pulling back her hand. “Two, you weren’t paying attention. Are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Eli asked concernedly.  “You did miss all of the afternoon classes afterall.”

 

“HUH!?” Honoka exclaimed. The younger girl had been listening in as she laid back to back while Umi helped her stretch in their normal upright position, arms linked. “Nozomi, you’re not feeling well?”

 

The rest of the group stopped their stretching to look at Nozomi. Eli inwardly sighed. This wasn’t what she wanted. She just wanted to make sure Nozomi was okay. Now Honoka was causing a scene. Nozomi paused a moment, but put on a smile.

 

“It’s alright. I feel much better now. Just a headache. I already told Elichi that but she’s such a worry wort, don’t ya know.”

 

“Nozomi…” Eli started but Nozomi just shushed her. 

 

“Elichi, I said I’m fine. You got to stop worrying. Now, let’s stretch and get to learning Elichi’s choreography.”

 

The rest of the group nodded and Eli let the subject drop as she and Nozomi got ready for practice. 

\---

 

Practice went with much issue. Hanayo had difficulty learning the steps to the choreography but Rin promised that she’d help her out after they finished with their homework. Umi caught on quickly with Kotori showing the group some of her new costume sketches that she would be starting on the following day. Honoka got so excited over them that she almost tore the sketch page. Umi, of course, scolded Honoka for this and the three 2nd years headed out on their own. Maki, Rin, and Hanayo headed home together as well. Nico stayed behind to finish up some paperwork for the Idol Research Club, which left Nozomi and Eli to walk home together. 

 

It wasn’t unusual for Eli and Nozomi to walk together. In fact they had done it for the last two years on and off. Always together, the best friends shared most everything the other had to give. Except what was going on, Eli thought. 

 

She sighed to herself as she walked side by side with Nozomi. Their silence, normally a comfortable one, today drove Eli crazy as Nozomi just smiled like she always would. Eli still needed to ask her what was going on.

 

“Nozomi, do you want to get parfaits before we go home? Our homework was light today so we’ve got some free time,” Eli offered, hoping the cafe would be a friendly spot to talk.

 

Nozomi smiled and shook her head. “Not today, Elichi. I’ve got some things I need to do, plus I should get to bed early since I wasn’t feeling well earlier. Gotta be in tip top shape for our next performance, right?” 

 

“Nozomi…” Eli said. 

 

“It’s alright, Elichi. I’ll be fine. We can do parfaits another day, after all.” Nozomi smiled at the blonde, turning to face her as they were at their parting intersection. 

 

“I’ll at least walk you home, then.” Eli offered, but Nozomi shook her head once more. 

 

“I’m fine, Elichi. And Alisa is probably waiting for you. You should take her for ice cream. She’d like that. After all, you’ve been busy with idol practice so you should make time for your sister when you can. Family is important.” Nozomi said. “See you tomorrow!” 

 

Nozomi waved at Eli before turning her back and making her way home.

 

Eli just stood there after waving, watching the purple haired girl go. As soon as Nozomi was out of sight, Eli found herself speaking her thoughts aloud. 

  
“Why won’t you talk to me, Nozomi? What’s going on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. But building to something more. Thanks for sticking with me.


	5. Best laid plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nozomi isn't thinking clearly.

Nozomi turned her key in the lock of her apartment door, and entered quietly. As she took her shoes off she said aloud “I’m home.” She sighed to herself. Some habits waxed and waned, and this habit was a depressing one. Nozomi wasn’t surprised when no response came from the empty apartment. It just reminded her that her parents’ jobs kept them constantly moving. That they moved from city to city with Nozomi in tow for more school years than the purple haired girl could count, until she’d finally asked them if she could stay in one place for high school. They had agreed and Nozomi found that she was able to live a small, but stable life on her own. 

The apartment was small and clean. Nozomi kept things in order, but with only one person there wasn’t much of a mess to clean up. She didn’t take up much space after all. As Nozomi came into the apartment proper, she set her bag on the dining room table and removed her homework. She then went into her room to change from her uniform. Her mind was still heavy from earlier in the day and now she also felt bad about lying to Eli. She wasn’t particularly tired and she didn’t feel sick. Nozomi just wanted to be alone for a bit. And Nozomi knew by the look on Eli’s face that she wanted to talk about something. Nozomi just wasn’t up to it at the moment, so she opted to go home. 

Eli and her had been friends since their first year of high school. Eli was part of the reason that Nozomi decided to stay behind when her parents moved on to the next job, but Nozomi never told Eli that she was the reason. Nozomi didn’t like troubling people with her details or needs when she could help it. It had been a full year after her parents had moved on, before Nozomi admitted to Eli that she had been living alone. Eli had been a bit shocked by the admission and wondered why Nozomi hadn’t told her something so important. If Eli had known, she would have been around more or come to hang out at Nozomi’s place more to keep her from being lonely. And no matter how many times she told Eli that she wasn’t lonely, Nozomi was lying. 

Nozomi was a girl who got lonely easily. It was a carry over from being alone for so long without any friends. From being the transfer student that no one talked to. For 14 years, it had just been Nozomi and her books. Even now, with her friends in Muse and Eli, Nozomi felt at the edges of the group as she watched over them with her caring and sometimes motherly eye. She had to grow up quickly moving from town to town and learning how to care for herself, so she knew that if she could offer advice to her underclassmen and fellow Muse members it would save them some of the heartache when things got a little rough for them. Nozomi didn’t mind helping them. She enjoyed being needed and useful. But the one problem she ran into was the fact that Nozomi didn’t generally turn to anyone when she had a problem. 

Sometimes, she wanted to open up more to Eli, to tell her the things that plagued her mind. The doubts and insecurities that made her feel different and unworthy, but she didn’t know that Eli would understand or whether or not she would make fun of her for such thoughts. Nozomi wasn’t sure of the reaction that would come, so she often decided just to ball up her emotions until she could properly deal with them. The problem had now become that she had too many emotions locked away. Like the current battle in her mind about how she was gaining weight. 

The others probably had noticed already, had spared her feelings. She couldn’t imagine what Kotori thought of her. Perhaps that she was a large pig who couldn’t control her eating habits. She also didn’t need the fans to think of Nozomi as the ‘fat one’. And then there was Eli. Nozomi really didn’t want Eli to think of her as unhealthy and disgusting. It wasn’t like when Honoka gained weight that one time. Honoka didn’t show extra weight like Nozomi was bound to. Nozomi’s hips would widen, her love handles expand.. Nozomi couldn’t take the thought of that. She didn’t want to shame the rest of Muse because she was gaining weight. 

Nozomi sighed and sat on her bed after changing into her comfy clothes. She patted her face lightly, trying to snap out of her stupor. Once she thought she could focus, she made her way to the dining room once more to work on her homework. A few hours passed and Nozomi could feel a slight rumble in her stomach as it began to ask for food. Nozomi was a little hungry. She hadn’t eaten lunch after all. So, she shut her work book and made her way to the kitchen where she surveyed her options for dinner. 

Looking into the fridge she spotted several things she could make. Curry and rice, pork ramen, and other rich dishes that she had planned to have before she realized she was gaining weight. 

She sighed and shook her head. No, that wouldn’t do. She couldn’t just continue eating like she was. She needed to get more exercise and change her diet. Eat less, and definitely eat less fatty foods. In the end, she reached into her fridge and grabbed a couple of small, plain rice balls. She’d eat them and have some tea. Tea wasn’t heavy in calories. Nozomi smiled, happy with her light dinner choices. She made the tea, and sat at the table to eat. Once done, she found her stomach was still hungry, but she didn’t give into its call. This was just starting a new habit and her stomach would have to get use to it. Less food would do her growing love handles good, she thought. Just push through it and we’ll be back to our weight in no time. 

Once done with her homework, Nozomi set her alarm for an hour earlier than usual. She’d get an early run in before school in order to increase her physical activity. She’d come back and shower before getting ready and then head to school with Eli and she wouldn’t be the wiser. Eli was a worried and Nozomi didn’t want to bring up any unnecessary worries for her friend. Nozomi just needed to get her weight under control before the next live. She’d do it and not let Muse down.

Nozomi nodded to herself and finished a second cup of tea. At least the warm liquid was filling, she thought. When she was done, she washed her cup in the sink and placed it on the drying rack. Shutting the lights off and crawling into bed, Nozomi pulled the covers up around her in the hopes of falling asleep quickly but sleep didn’t come for a few hours. Part of it was due to the fact that she hadn’t eaten a proper dinner, but the other part was the fact that she felt sad and disappointed in herself. When sleep finally did claim her, Nozomi didn’t fully realize that the last thought that flickered through her mind.

‘Elichi will like me better if I’m thinner.’


	6. Quiet Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli's quiet support.

Nozomi was running late to meet Eli the next morning. Due to only getting a little bit of sleep the night before, Nozomi didn’t get up with her alarm but she was determined to take her run anyhow. She ran for a good hour before returning to her apartment to clean up and get dressed for school. Upon seeing the time, she texted Eli that she was running a bit behind and to go ahead without her. 

But Eli decided to walk down to Nozomi’s apartment and wait for her friend. It wasn’t far and they would still have time. When Eli got to Nozomi’s door, she knocked on her friend’s door and waiting patiently. Looking down at the ground there appeared to be some sneaker prints in the hall. They seemed fresh which she found odd because they led to Nozomi’s door. 

When there came no answer at the door, Eli checked her phone but there was nothing, so she knocked again, but louder this time. Eli heard footsteps hurriedly approaching the door after the second knock. She stood back and waited with a smile for Nozomi to answer. The door was opened carefully by the purple haired girl, but Eli blinked when she saw her friend. 

Nozomi was standing there, flustered and out of breath. Her school uniform was a bit disheveled as though she were rushing. Her skirt was mostly straight, and her shirt, while mostly buttoned except for the top few buttons, was still untucked. Eli took in Nozomi’s disheveled state, averting her eyes when she caught the barest glimpse of the purple haired girl’s collar bone and upper cleavage. 

“Ohayo, Nozomi,” Eli managed her greeting and smiled at Nozomi. 

“Elichi!” Nozomi said surprised. “What are you doing here? I told you to go on ahead to school.” Nozomi opened her door a bit more and let Eli in. 

“I wanted to walk with you today so I thought I would go ahead and come meet you here. It wasn’t much trouble.” Eli commented, stepping inside. “Is everything okay? You look further behind than you mentioned. Your hair isn’t even tied back.” Eli pointed out, as she took off her shoes for the few moments she would be in Nozomi’s place. 

Nozomi reached her hand up to her hair which was still down. She looked a bit embarrassed. 

“I really overslept today. It’s my fault for being up late. I had to finish some homework I left late.” Nozomi lied easily but Eli accepted it. Nozomi always was a hard worker. That was one of the things she liked about Nozomi. Even though she was easy going, she knew how to put her all into something. 

“Oh, alright. Well, I’ll wait for you. I’m already here. Go finish getting ready.” Eli smiled, Nozomi returned it at her friend’s kindness.

“Okay. I’ll be back in a few.” Nozomi said before returning to her bedroom to finish getting ready. Her stockinged feet causing little sound as she padded back to her bedroom like an agile cat. 

Eli looked around the apartment a bit. It was small, but it fit Nozomi well. It was clean and had just enough touch of quirkiness about it with the little cute animal figures and other items around the house. Like Nozomi’s adorable pig shaped tea kettle. This side of the purple haired girl made the russian smile. She looked in the kitchen a little more before her eye caught a set of shoes next to the door that where sticking out of the cubby. Eli, assuming that they were her shoes and she was careless, went to straighten them. But when she bent down to do so, she realized that not only were they not her shoes, they were a pair of sneakers that looked suspiciously like the prints from outside Nozomi’s door. 

‘Hmm,’ thought Eli. ‘That’s odd.’

Nozomi finally came back into front area of the apartment. This time her clothing was straightened impeccably, her shirt tucked in along with her third year bow at her collar. Her hair was in her normal low twin tails laying down her back. Eli smiled at her friend and reached over, grabbing Nozomi’s blazer. She beckoned Nozomi to turn around as she helped her to put on the jacket. 

“Why, thank you, Elichi. You’re such a gentlemen.” Nozomi said, happily, before spinning around to face Eli as she buttoned the jacket. 

Eli’s face flushed slightly. “Nozomi,” Eli said as her friend giggled. But Eli felt a small wave of relief come over her as she saw a spark of a real smile in Nozomi’s eye, so she let the incident slide. 

“Come on, we should get going so we aren’t too late. Ready?” Eli asked, slipping her shoes back on and opening the door. 

Nozomi grinned and shouldered her bag. “Ready, Elichi. Lead the way.” 

The two girls left Nozomi’s apartment and made their way towards school. When they were almost there, Eli remembered something, reaching into her bag. 

“I almost forgot. I had your bento box from yesterday in my bag when I went home,” Eli said, handing over the cloth wrapped purple lunch box to Nozomi, who accepted it with a smile. 

“Thank you, Elichi,” Nozomi replied. “But I’m pretty sure it won’t do me much good today. The food has probably gone bad. I forgot to pack my own lunch today so I figured I’d just buy something from the cafeteria. I’ve got a little left in my allowance after groceries.” 

“Oh, don’t worry about that, Nozomi. I made your lunch for today. It is sort of my way of apologizing for forgetting to give it back to you.” Eli said as she rubbed the back of her neck with a smile. “I can be forgetful at times.” She gestured to Nozomi’s lunch box.

Nozomi took a peek inside the box and sure enough there was Nozomi’s favorite inside. She closed the container again and placed it in her bag. 

“You made me Yakiniku?” Nozomi asked with puzzlement and a bit of a frown on her face. “I didn’t even know you knew how to make it...”

“I found a recipe. What, you don’t like it?” Eli asked, surprised. “I mean, I thought it was your favorite…” 

“No, no. It is my favorite. I didn’t know you remembered...” Nozomi blushed a bit and ducked her head. She felt a sting of guilt. She couldn’t eat yakiniku on her diet so she felt bad that Eli had gone to all of that trouble to make her lunch. She shook off the feeling and turned on her brightest smile for Eli. “I love it, Elichi. Arigato.” 

“It was my pleasure, Nozomi. After all, we are friends.” Eli smiled softly at her friend, before reaching out and squeezing Nozomi’s hand. Eli hoped that she could convey a feeling of reassurance to Nozomi through the action, to ensure Nozomi that Eli was there for her. “And I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

Nozomi’s ducked her head, smiling. Her blush spread a little more over her cheeks and she hoped it wasn’t too obvious to Elichi. Sometimes it was difficult being this close to the blonde. Nozomi felt such gratitude to her friend. Her very first, and very dear friend Elichi. She often wondered why Eli chose to be friends with her out of all of the other girls in the school. Eli could have had her pick, but somehow had stayed with Nozomi, the odd loner girl. Whatever the reason, and whatever the insecurity of the rest of the time, Nozomi took this moment to be selfish and relished in her friend’s presence. 

It was as Eli tugged on her hand that Nozomi’s turquoise eyes met the sparkling sky blue of Eli’s own. 

‘I’ll make you proud, Elichi,’ Nozomi thought as she got lost for a moment in her friend’s eyes. Little did she know that Eli was also feeling lost in the warmth of Nozomi’s eyes as well. It was a long moment before Eli broke the silence and gave Nozomi’s hand another tug and pulled her along a slightly quicker pace. 

“C’mon, Nozomi. We better hurry, or we'll be late for class.” She grinned and pulled Nozomi along behind her. Nozomi was happy in that moment to follow Eli anywhere.


	7. Calm before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli eats lunch by herself. Nico butts in. Nozomi pushes too hard.

Get up early. Go for a run. Go home, shower, get dressed, meet Eli and walk to school.

That became Nozomi’s routine. She’d then go to school, go to muse practice where they would dance and prepare for their next live. Nozomi, who usually ate Lunch with Eli, was using their time on break more and more to practice the dances or do extra exercises. Eli would join her sometimes, coaching her or giving pointers or just sit eating her lunch while Nozomi felt the need to continue to practice. But it got to the point where Nozomi would work most of the lunch break like this and then grab only a few bites of her lunch before class began again.  

Eli couldn’t help but notice how hard her friend was pushing herself.  And even though Eli didn’t like it, Nozomi seemed to be working hard, so she could only encourage her friend to take it easy whenever she could. Sometimes, she’d scold Nozomi when she didn’t have time to finish her lunch, but the annoyance didn’t last long, especially when Nozomi’s honeyed words distracted her and soon she would drop the topic as they headed back to class and talked about other things, like Muse or the student council or Alisa and how she was doing in school. Nozomi’s tactics helped to keep Eli from knowing the full extent of Nozomi’s new routine, which was exactly what Nozomi wanted: to keep it that way. It was her own business anyhow and Nozomi was the one that needed to take care of her own weight. Eli would just worry

This routine had brought them to the present. To a Wednesday - several weeks in. That Wednesday was a day where Eli was in the classroom by herself.  Nozomi had told Eli that she needed to go meet with their teacher in the lounge. This left Eli at her desk, going over notes after finishing her own lunch.

“Where’s the big chested washi washi monster?” Nico asked as she slid into the desk in front of Eli’s. She picked up Eli’s pencil and fiddled with it in her hand. “You two are normally stuck at the hip.”

Eli pursed her lips a bit and didn’t look up. “Be nice, Nico. Nozomi went to talk to the teacher about something.”

“Oh? Did she fail a test? I knew she was all breast and no brain…”

“Nico!” Eli looked at Nico angrily.

Nico held up her hands in defense. “Hey, hey, don’t get mad at me if she failed a test. Maybe if you two didn’t get so many parfaits after school together. Sheesh...”

Eli frowned more. “We haven’t gone to the café in weeks, Nico. So, don’t think you know everything. Practice and homework have kept us busy.”

“Never stopped you guys from going at least once a week, even when you were busy before. Have you at least hung out?” Nico asked, eyebrows slightly raised.

Eli shook her head. “No, again, been busy. I’ve been helping Alisa a bit more and Nozomi’s been helping out at the shrine in the evenings more as well so we’ve only really been seeing each other at school and practice.”

“Huh. Well, it’d probably do you both some good if you made time to hang out. You’ve both been off lately. Nozomi looks tired too so you might tell the washi monster to calm her large tits and take a break.”

‘ _Nozomi does look tired…’_ Eli thought. _‘And she doesn’t really look very happy. Maybe we should make more time. I’ll ask her to go out after school.’_

Eli nodded to Nico with a small smile. “Good advice, Nico. We’ve got a performance this weekend so it will be good to take a break beforehand.”

Nico crossed her arms. “Of course it is good advice. You’re speaking with the great Nico-nico-nii!”

Eli chuckles and closed the notes she was reviewing. As she turned and stretched little, her body turned to where she could see out of the open door and into the hallway. She spotted her teacher standing down the hall a little way. She was talking to another teacher and it seemed that she had been for at least a few minutes.  Eli visibly lit up. Lunch was only half over, so that meant that Nozomi would be back soon.

Nico followed Eli’s gaze and smiled a little bit. The blonde’s fondness for Nozomi was apparent to anyone who watched them, but it took being closer Eli to see the love that radiated off her when it came their fellow purple haired third year.  

 

She shook her head, wondering if Eli herself realized that love yet or if she was still as clueless a girl as ever. For someone so adept at everything, her own feelings weren’t at the top of that list.

“Well, the number one idol, Nico-nii, needs to go do something before lunch is over and then get back to my class room. And Nozomi will be back soon anyhow by the looks of it.” Nico said, standing up. “I’ll see you at practice, Eli.”

Eli waves a bit and Nico returns it as she heads out of the class room.

Eli looks out the window. ‘ _Maybe Nozomi and I can go for a short walk before break is over.’_ Eli thinks as she waits for her friend. She checks her watch. 25 minutes left. They should have enough time before getting back to class. Eli smiled quietly and decided to wait for Nozomi so she could invite her on the walk.

\----

Nico hummed to herself as she walked down the hallway. Lunch was close to being over and she’d spent the remainder of the break leaning against the wall outside the music room. One of her favorite things to do was listen to Maki play the piano. She normally stayed outside the music room, unbeknownst to Maki or anyone else inside. Usually it was just Maki by herself but sometimes Hanayo and Rin would join her for their lunch. Nico was jealous of them, being able to be in there with Maki the whole time. But it would be weird if she just waltzed in. The way Maki played was something Nico enjoyed, though she couldn’t fully explain why. It just soothed her, made her heart lift like other things could. And Nico would willingly listen to her playing for hours, but Maki wouldn’t continue playing the piano if Nico went inside and just sat down. Maki was stubborn and such a tsundere. Not that Nico was any more honest with her feelings – at least not out loud. But Maki would flat out refuse to play and go on about how Nico was bugging her. So, Nico stayed outside and accepted her fate. At least she was able to hear Maki’s beautiful music. Maybe one day she’d be able to tell the red haired girl how she felt about her playing…or even her. But today wasn’t that day.

Arriving at the club room door, Nico sighed as she slid it open and stepped inside the room, she shut the door behind her and then proceeded in to where her club locker was to grab her notes that she’d left in there. But before she got there she noticed something out of the corner of her eyes. When she turned to look she stopped. She wasn’t expecting anyone to be in here…let alone someone curled on the floor in the corner of the club room looking like they are in pain. They hadn’t heard Nico come in and they were facing the wall as well.

Nico edged a little closer as the person in the corner breathed heavily and Nico could have sworn that she heard crying. Looking closer, Nico spotted strands of purple hair catching glimmers of light from the edge. She reached out a hand to touch her shoulder and spoke finally.

“N-nozomi?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short Chapter. More to come, but this break in the text made sense. Also, I suck at chapter titles.


	8. Cracks in the Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nozomi stumbles. Nico figures a few things out. Eli feels helpless.

Nozomi finished the last of her many laps around the track before she headed back to the club room to change. Nozomi found herself light headed as she made her way up the stairs one by one. She wiped her sweaty face with her towel and then finally made it (after what felt like forever) to the entrance to the club room. She slid it open and stepped inside. The dark light of the room caused her eyes to have a difficult time to adjust and as they did, little specs floated across her eyes. She realized in that moment how unwell she felt. She must have over done it.

When she reached her locker inside the room, she pulled out a bottle of water and drank heavily from it. Her thirst was hard to clench as her body craved calories that she hadn’t been giving it. It lacked fuel and that lack of fuel was causing her current problem of the dizziness. She needed to fix her hair before returning to class, so she pulled out her scrunchies and began to raise her hands to do so as she leaned against her locker.

Again, the room betrayed her by moving so she made her way over to a chair near the corner of the room. Nozomi went to sit, but in her haze misjudged the distance and tripped on the leg of the chair. This action caused her to gasp out and land on her hands and knees in the corner. Looking down at her hands, Nozomi couldn’t stop the tears falling from her eyes as her body began shaking from frustration.

‘ _Why am I so stupid?_ ’ Nozomi’s thoughts spoke louder at herself. ‘Why can’t I do anything right? If I were just someone else. Someone other than me. Who could do these things more easily...Stupid…stupid…stupid…fat…clumsy….”

Nozomi’s inner monologue became so loud the she missed the sound of the club door open and close. She missed the sound of small footsteps enter the room. And she missed someone approaching her from behind. Nozomi was lost in her tears and negative thoughts until she felt a small hand on her shoulder and she heard her name.

\---

Nozomi was startled and pulled away at the noise. She didn’t turn around but brought her fingers up to her eyes and tried to subtly wipe away the tears that had been there.

“Oh, N-nicocchi. What are you doing in here? Class is starting...” Nozomi responded trying to force herself back into a cheerful voice.  But she had yet to turn around to face her friend.

“I could ask the same for you…” Nico half mumbled but didn’t get angry like she normally would. “I was getting my notes that I left in my bag in here. I was about to head back.” Nico frowned as she stood back up. Why wasn’t Nozomi looking at her?

“Are you okay?” Nico asked, finally. “Why are you in here? Eli was waiting for you to get back from your teacher conference. It was over like half an hour ago, wasn’t it?”

Nozomi didn’t answer at first. But she did manage to finally turn around and present a neutral face. Nico could now tell from the sight of the deep color of Nozomi’s turquoise eyes that she had in fact been crying. The frown on Nico’s face didn’t leave it as Nozomi decide to answer her question.

“Oh, I just stopped in her for a minute. I dropped my scrunchie in the corner…” Nozomi held up the pink scrunchie in question to show Nico. “Nothing to worry about. I should be getting back.”

Nozomi stood up fully and headed over to her locker to start getting changed. Nico squinted at her.

“Cut the crap, Nozomi. What were you doing in here?” Nico crossed her arms across her small chest and waited for an answer.

“I just came to get something from my club locker…” Nozomi began, sliding off her track jacket.

“…then why were you in your gym clothes?” Nico asked. “And why do you look flushed and sweaty?” Nico pointed out. “AND why were you crying? What happened?” Nico tried to act her normal angry self but she couldn’t manage it as her concern for Nozomi slipped into her voice.

Nozomi’s hand lingered on the edge of her locker door as she paused, unsure how to answer Nico’s questions without causing a big scene. But she supposed it was a little too late for that.

“I was doing a little bit of extra practice for the show this weekend. No big deal.” Nozomi answered as she reached for her school uniform.

“Oh? I can’t imagine you had enough time to do so properly…especially after the teacher conference…you look like you’ve been exercising all...all break…” Nico stopped speaking as she connected a few dots.

“Hey, Nozomi? Did you actually meet with the teacher today?”

Nozomi sighed and shook her head.

“Then why did you tell Eli that you had to?” Nico asked, a little dumbfounded. “Why didn’t you just say that you were gonna practice?”

“Elichi would have just scolded me about practicing too much. But she’s so good at dancing and I’m not. I have catching up to do. So, I decided to put in extra work. And if I do it without telling her then it saves her from worrying.” Nozomi offered, now able to smile more freely – well, at least her smile mask.

“And you were crying because…?” Nico inquired further as Nozomi’s smile slipped for a millisecond.

“Oh, no reason. Just a little tired. Tests are stressful too and we’ve got the live. Just got a little emotional. Haha. Don’t worry, Nicocchi.” Nozomi smiled. “I’m fine.”

Nico was quiet for a long moment trying to think of a response. Nozomi obviously wasn’t telling the truth but Nico didn’t know how to get her to tell the full truth. So, she stood there intently observing Nozomi as the purple haired girl changed into her school uniform.

“Is Nicocchi going to just watch me change…I didn’t know Nicocchi was like that. Such a voyeur…” Nozomi smirked, causing Nico to turn bright red before turning around quickly to face the wall.

“Ah! Nozomi! Not funny, I was worried about you and you tease me. Just put on your clothes and we can get back to---“

Just then the bell rang, signaling the next lesson’s start.

“—class,” Nico finished. “Damn. Now we’re late.”

Nozomi sighed. “Go on ahead, Nicocchi. I’ll make it to class on my own. Don’t want you to be later than you have to be. And you can turn around. My skirt and shirt are on.”

Nico turned around. Nozomi moved over to a chair, her bare feet moving quietly across the floor as she walked and then sat down. She laid on of her black stockings on the table and kept the other in her hand. She slowly began to roll the edges of it down, before placing the opening over one of her feet, meticulously working it up the length of her leg.

“Fine, but you better be right behind me.” Nico pointed at the purple haired girl. “And you better knock this off. If you’re tired, don’t overwork yourself. You’re doing fine, anyhow. You dance well and you’ve got the routine down. So, after next weekend’s performance you need to knock it off.”

Nozomi smiled slightly as she settled the top of her stocking at its resting place upon her lower thigh. But the smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Sure thing, Nicocchi.”

Nico went to grab her notes that she came in the club room to get, before she turned to leave. But just as she was at the door, Nozomi’s voice stopped her.  

“Eh, Nicocchi?”

“Hmm?” Nico responded, looking back for a moment to see Nozomi’s face. It was almost pleading with her, the expression.

“Don’t Tell Elicchi that I was in here. Please?” Nozomi asked.

“Sure,” Nico sighed. “But you better ease up on yourself.” Nico slid the door open. “She’s worried about you, you know? It isn’t nice to make your friends worried.”

Nozomi blinked for a moment as Nico left the room. Nozomi picked up her other stocking and began putting it on. She smiled once more to herself. “Thanks for worrying about me, Nicocchi, but I’ve got it under control.”

Nozomi finished putting on her stocking and stood up. But the moment she stood up, she wobbled. She must have been more tired than she thought. But she needed to get back to class. She glanced over at her lunch in her locker. She found herself not hungry. And what would one missed meal do? It would just get her closer to her goal. One less meal meant less fat on her curves. So, she’d skip it.

‘ _Just a little more work and I’ll be down to my old size…’_ Nozomi thought as she put on her shoes and blazer. _‘Just in time for the live this weekend. I’ll be perfect then. And I won’t let anyone down.’_

Straightening her uniform, Nozomi looked in the mirror. She took in her appearance with a skeptical eye. Face was still too round, hips were wider than she wanted, waist was…well, not the size she wanted. She met her own gaze and for a moment, she didn’t want to go back to class.

Nozomi was exhausted. The long run during lunch had taken its toll on her, and so had all the runs and practices the previous weeks. She was wearing herself thin, and part of her recognized that but the other part pushed her to keep going. That part was the ugly little voice in the back of her mind telling her how unworthy she was to be in Muse. How untalented and ugly she was. This voice had always been there but it had never been as loud as it had been recently. And it only seemed to be getting louder. It dominated her motives, her exercise routine, and her diet. It forced her to go through it all. To make herself better for her friends; for Muse; For Eli…

Nozomi clutched at the breast of her shirt and hung her head in shame. She felt weak. Her breakdown from exhaustion and emotions in the club room was proof of that. Nozomi wanted to be stronger, to be able to carry out her goal without worrying other people. But Nico had walked in and ruined the image she was trying to keep up. Nico wouldn’t tell Eli about it, that much Nozomi knew, but she still worried. IF only she hadn’t been stupid, if only she could endure more this wouldn’t have happened. Nozomi pledged to not let this incident happen again, because if it did or if she do a better job of covering up her actions, she knew that Eli, and now Nico, would worry more. That was the last thing she wanted. She needed to do this on her own. She was independent and always had been. She was used to doing things on her own. This shouldn’t be any different.

Nozomi recognized that Eli was concerned about her doing too much. The blonde raised issue when Nozomi would skip lunch break to work on dances, but so far Nozomi had managed to ignore the growing guilt in her stomach as she disappointed Eli. But her brain reminded her that she was doing this for Eli, too. Eli would understand once she saw Nozomi in a much more perfect form. Thinner, healthier, a better dancer, a better girl. But it was hard for her to keep ignoring the issue about Eli when Nico pointed it out. And then there was Nico now knowing that something wasn’t normal. Nozomi only hoped that her red-eyed classmate would keep her promise and not tell anyone, especially Eli.

The purple haired third year cared so much for Eli – her first real friend. Her best friend. The person who was closest to her, the person who scared her the most because she could sense the small things about Nozomi when they were off. She knew Nozomi well and that both frightened Nozomi and made her love Eli.

Love. Nozomi did love Eli Ayase. She’d loved her for a while, but she kept her distance with her feelings, relegating herself to Eli’s side and in her shadow. She longed to be loved back by the tall blonde. Eli was perfect. Diligent, dedicated, talented. All the things that the lazy Nozomi lacked. But perhaps…perhaps if Nozomi looked more perfect, at least to Eli, she’d have a chance at one day reaching her with her feelings.

Shaking her head, Nozomi sighed. She straightened her uniform for the last time as she waved off the thought from her mind. How could Eli ever love a girl like her in return? She was nothing special even if she was thinner or cuter. But regardless, Nozomi pledged to herself to remain at Eli’s side, no matter how painful it was. Because if she could just see Eli from that angle she would be content with her station.

To prevent herself from crying once more, Nozomi placed a fake smile on her face and reached for the door, opening it and stepping into the hall. It was time to face the world once more. Even if it was math class.

\----

Arriving at her classroom door, she sighed. She hadn’t meant to be late, but there was no helping it. She opened the door as quietly as possible. And for a moment she thought she had avoided detection as the teacher kept on with their lesson, her back to the class as she wrote on the blackboard. But as she closed the door behind her, she saw a head full of blonde hair whip around suddenly to face her.

The blue eyes widened as they saw Nozomi. Their expression flickering from worry to relief in a moment. Nozomi just smiled as usual, attempting to quell whatever the blonde was feeling. But as Nozomi came closer Eli’s eyes seemed to reflect another emotion that Nozomi couldn’t place. Her friend seemed a little lost and still worried. As Nozomi slid quietly into her chair Eli furrowed her brow.

 “Nozomi,” Eli whispered pointedly. “Where have you been? Did your conference take all lunch?”

“I had something to take care of,” Nozomi responded quietly as she pulled out her notebook and pencil and attempted to listen to the teacher. But Eli continued on.

“Mou, you could have told me. I waited for you to come back and then you didn’t and now you’re late. Why didn’t you---“

 “Ayase-san, while I’m sure your conversation is very important, I would appreciate it if you and Tojo-san would leave it until a later time.” The teacher called out, causing both Nozomi and Eli to jump in their seats.

The rest of the class laughed and both girls turned a scarlet color as Eli turned back to face the front of the class, ducking her head in the process. Nozomi ducked her head too until she heard her name again.

“Tojo-san?” The Teacher called, clearly not happy.

“Hai, Sensei?”

“Tardiness is inexcusable. I want to see you after class.”

“Hai Sensei.” Nozomi said, slumping in her chair.

The rest of the class went on excruciatingly slow for both girls. And the day wasn’t going to get much better.

\---

Over in another classroom, it finally dawned on Nico that she had missed one very important detail about the whole ordeal: Nozomi hadn’t made time to eat lunch. She skipped eating. Come to think of it, when was the last time she saw Nozomi eat anything?

Nico’s worries began to take a turn for the worst as she chewed on her pencil. Nozomi wasn’t going to listen to her if she just brought it up. But she couldn’t let Nozomi continue on like this. She needed more proof, though. From now on, she’d need to watch her purple haired friend a lot more closely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a rough chapter to write. Nozomi is my favorite character but I feel she has a ton of insecurities due to being alone most of her life. She's constantly trying to feel worthy of her friends in Muse and especially Eli. Self image issues never help those feelings.


	9. Before the Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look inside the dressroom before the live show. Everyone is there except for Nozomi. Will Nozomi make it in time?

“Umi-chan, you look soooo cute!” Honoka said as she bounced up and down in front of Umi, who was doing her best to hold down the front of her skirt with her hands.

“Honoka…” Umi muttered as her face bloomed into a spectacular red color. “This skirt is too short. I swear it is shorter than the last one.” She frowned. Honoka just smiled her usual smile as she did a twirl in her own outfit.

“No, they are pretty, Umi-chan. Kotori-chan outdid herself this time. And she picked the perfect color for you. It matches your eyes. See?” Honoka said as she grabbed Umi quite forcefully and spun her around to face the full length mirror behind her. Umi wobbled and almost fell over as she was turned around.

“Honoka!” Umi cried from embarrassment after seeing herself in the mirror.

“Eh? Umi-chan? Is something wrong?”

Both of the second years ceased their antics and turned to see Kotori standing there with a few more costumes in her hands. She had just arrived.

“Hey Kotori-chan!” Honoka smiled and clapped her hands together. “Umi-chan is trying to hide again because she doesn’t like her costume.”

“Umi-chan….” Kotori said as she suddenly looked sad. “You don’t like your costume?”

Umi began to panic at the sight “N-no. I don’t not like it.”

“Then what’s wrong with Kotori’s costume?” Kotori looked at Umi with puppy dog eyes.

“It’s just…shorter than I wanted…I…” Umi sighed. “B-but it is a lovely costume.”

Kotori’s distressed look on her face fades into a more hopeful one as she looks directly at Umi.

“So…you’ll wear it?” Kotori asked but Umi was hesitant. She didn’t know how she felt when Kotori looked at her like that.

“Umi-chan…” Kotori stepped closer to Umi and touched her arm, lightly. Umi swallowed hard.  “Onegai?”

And that did it. Umi dropped her arms fully in defeat and nodded her head. “Ok, Kotori-chan. For you. I guess it isn’t that bad…” Umi admitted as she gave in to Kotori.

“Arigato, Umi-chan,” Kotori smiled and placed a quick kiss on Umi’s cheek before she made her way off to place the costumes in her arms into their respective dressing rooms for the other members.

If it was possible for someone to turn completely red, Umi had just managed to do so. From her knees up to her face to the tips of her ears. She quickly ducked back behind the curtain of her own little dressing room, only yelling back at Honoka when she heard her friend’s laughter.

“Honoka!”

“Yes, U-m-i-chan?” Honoka asked teasingly through the curtain. She was still having a hard time calming her laughter down.

“Shouldn’t you be finding the others instead of making fun of me? It’s getting close to show time.” Umi asked as she tried to deflect the situation away from herself.

“Oh! Right. I’m on it, Umi-chan.” Honoka said, her laughter stopping as she turned and ran out of the dressing rooms.

Umi let out a deep sigh as she sat there waiting for her face to return to normal. It was just a kiss. But it was shameless. You didn’t do that sort of thing! But…it was also from Kotori. The thought made her heart beat faster and she ended up just as embarrassed and red-faced as before. She ducked her head and sobbed quietly to herself. Her feelings overwhelming her and at a very bad time – right before a concert. She needed to get it together.

\---

Just a few dressing rooms down, the third years were getting ready. Nico sat at the mirror, already in her costume, practicing her idol poses including her signature move.

“Nico-nico-nii!!!”

“Don’t you already know how to do that one?” Eli asked, as she stepped out of her area of the dressing room. She smirked down at Nico.

“I do. But the great Idol Nico-Nii needs to make sure she is always at her best. Especially right before she goes out in front of her adoring fans,” Nico huffed and crossed her arms. 

Eli smirked. “Whatever you say, Nico.”

Taking a seat next to Nico at the dressing table, Eli smiled at herself in the mirror. She inspects her hair for a moment before reaching for the bag of makeup in front of her.

Nico relaxed in her seat and watched Eli apply her makeup for a moment. It was only when Eli was applying her eyeliner that Nico spoke.

“Have you seen, Tits?” Nico looked around the room before looking at the time.

Eli paused momentarily, giving Nico a disapproving look. She dipped the eyeliner brush back in the bottle before pulling it out once more. She placed the brush tip the top of her left eyelid before she spoke.

“You really shouldn’t call her that, it isn’t nice.” Eli commented in a scolding tone.

“Yeah, yeah. Question still stands. Nozomi should have already been here by now.” Nico commented, as she applied her lip balm. 

Eli frowned at the comment. Eli had been wondering the same thing that Nico had voiced only moments before.

“She should be here soon. Nozomi won’t let us down.”

“Why didn’t she come with you? Aren’t you two attached at the hip?”

Eli ignored the comment and just answered the question. “I asked her if she wanted to walk with me this morning, but she said she had some errands to take care of first. She said that she’d meet us here.”

“What kind of errands?” Nico asked, reaching up to straighten the bows on her twintails.

“How should I know?” Eli said, more harshly than she should have. Nico blinked but continued messing with the bows in her hair.

“Woah, Woah. I just asked. No need to bite my head off…” Nico said, leaning a bit away from her irritated classmate. In doing so, she observed Eli’s expressions. Eli had clenched her jaw tightly and was just starting at the dressing table.

Nozomi hadn’t told Eli anything about what she was doing this morning. Just refusing to walk with her because of her own reasons. Just like she had declined to hangout the last couple of days. Eli didn’t know what was going on. And she was beginning to think she had done something wrong. Or said something wrong to Nozomi. Eli seemed to be slipping more into her negative thoughts and Nico was watching the whole thing happen. She reached out a hand and placed it on Eli’s arm.

“Hey,” Nico said as Eli looked up at her. “It’s alright. Nozomi just had stuff to do and she’ll be here in a moment. It wouldn’t be Muse without her, right? Even the great Nico-nii admits that.”

Eli gave Nico a soft smile before returning to putting on her make up.

“You’re right, Nico. She’ll be here. It isn’t like Nozomi to let us down. I’m just nervous about the show and over thinking it. I’ll feel better when Nozomi gets here.” Eli said trying to reassure herself. “She’s sort of like a good luck charm in a way. Things always go better for Muse when she is around.”

Nico would normally agree. But with the way Nozomi had been acting lately, she didn’t think of her friend very lucky. And whatever luck she did have she was sabotaging with what she was doing. Nico had kept track of Nozomi’s habits the last few days. Nico had been unhappy to learn that Nozomi wasn’t eating properly, if at all. At least that she had seen. It was possible that Nozomi was eating at home, but Nico somehow doubted that that was a fact. She wondered if she should say something to Eli, but Nico didn’t want to make the situation worse than it already was. So, Nico decided to ask a question instead.

“Eh, Eli?”

“Hmm?”

“Has Nozomi been acting oddly lately? I mean, obviously Nozomi is a little weird already, what with the fortune telling, the boob grabbing….” Nico started to ramble.

“Nico. Get to the point?” Eli intervened. She didn’t like Nico’s tone when listing off all of those things.

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve interacted with her a few times this week outside of practice and as her best friend I was wondering if you had noticed her acting differently.”

Eli pursed her lips. Nozomi was all over the board the last week. Eli had definitely noticed it.

“Yeah, she has been. But each time I ask her about it, she just says she is worried about the live today. She wants to be the best she can be for today so she’s been working really hard. I think that stress has gotten to her. Along with testing recently for school. I’m just hoping it gets better after this week.”

Nico nodded. “I hope so too…” she said quietly.

Eli glanced at Nico. Something about her tone of voice didn’t sit right with Eli. “Why? Has there been something else wrong with her?” Eli couldn’t keep the worry out of her voice.

Nico hesitated for a long moment, which wasn’t helping her case. “Well…” she bit her lip.

“Nico, if something is wrong with Nozomi, you need to let me know!” Eli slammed a fist on the table in front of them. Nico jumped.

“Hey, I didn’t say there was. I’ve just noticed a few things. She has been overworking herself for sure but the other thing, I’m not sure about it. Once I have more evidence I’ll tell you. But it could be nothing. Just…let me figure it out. I promise I’ll tell you if it is something.” Nico reassured her.

Eli slumped forward and laid her head on the table. “Gah, this would be so much easier if she would just talk to me. Or make time to hang out. Or something. I hate not knowing how to help because I don’t know what is up.”

Nico felt exactly the same. Nozomi had done so much for all of them, but if she wouldn’t open up, they couldn’t help her until they knew what was wrong. She placed her hand on Eli’s back when she heard a sniffle from the blonde.

“C’mon, Eli. We need to finish getting ready and crying won’t help the situation,” Nico said. “And Nozomi will be here soon so you don’t want her to see you like this, do you?”

Eli gave a non-committal grunt.

“Eli?”

“…no, I don’t want her to see me like this. “ Eli admitted and sat up once more.

“Alright, now fix your makeup and let’s go find the others to warm up,” Nico said, handing Eli her eyeliner.

“Ok.” Eli commented as she wiped her eyes. “And Nico?”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, Eli. Now, c’mon. We’ve got a show to do.” Nico smiled and posed. Eli laughed and went about fixing her makeup once more. Nico settled in as well, but her eye caught the clock once more.  

Where the hell was Nozomi?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing of importance for notes today. Just that I'm working through the angst and hopefully we'll get Non-tan into a place where she realizes she isn't alone. She's being stubborn as I write her. But it seems you guys are enjoying the story nonetheless.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me.


	10. Barely Getting By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nozomi's running late.

The morning had not gone very well for Nozomi. Not only had she slept terribly, but she also had woken up late. She didn’t wake up to her alarm, but she had woken up to a phone call from her mother.

The phone call was unexpected. Nozomi rarely heard from her parents. They were busy with traveling and with their work and that resulted in them being quite distant. Their jobs were the reason that Nozomi had to move so much when she grew up. The call was unexpected, indeed, but for a split second she was happy to hear from her mother. The last couple of weeks had been very lonely and Nozomi wanted talk to someone. But when the time came for her mother to ask how Nozomi was doing, Nozomi didn’t say anything about how she was feeling. To do so would have felt selfish and Nozomi was not a selfish child. She told her mother things were fine. She told her about how she was working hard to prepare for the live and Nozomi’s mother seemed fine with those answers.

Ending the call, Nozomi found herself wishing that she had said more or that her mother had seen through her façade that she put upon her face. But her parents never did. And Nozomi felt more isolated because of it. Same as always.

Checking the clock, Nozomi realized that she would still have time for a short run, so she changed into her running clothes and strapped on her sneakers, taking off to clear her thoughts.

\---

In the attempt to clear her thoughts, Nozomi only got lost in them which caused her to lose track of time. It was because her run ended up being three times as long as she had intended, that Nozomi now found herself running as fast as she could towards the venue where the live was being held. People on the street were eyeing her with disdain as she disturbed their lives with her commotion but Nozomi couldn’t care about that right now. She was running woefully late and she needed to get to the last train that would get her to performance sight. Her legs ached from the physical strain but it couldn’t be helped. It was her fault for not paying better attention.

And it was with exactly a minute to spare that she made it to the train station. She able to gather her breath for only a moment before the train arrived and she pushed her way onto the train. People were staring at her dishelved and sweaty appearance as she made her way to the last free seat near the back. Nozomi hadn’t had time to do anything to her hair and it sat in its frizzy sleeping/running braid from earlier. Taking the seat, she dug around in her bag for her hair brush and hair ties. She made note of the time. Fifteen minutes until she needed to get off. That should give her time enough to straighten her hair before she needed to make the next dash for the venue. Luckily it was only a few blocks away from the arrival station. So, she would still be able to make it before the performance. She had at least texted Eli this morning to let her know she wouldn’t be walking with her, but she couldn’t update her due to the phone deciding to die on her sprint to the train station. Her phone, sadly, was devoid of charge so she couldn’t text any of the other μ's members to let them know that she was almost there.

This morning really could not get any worse.

A loud gurgle escaped from Nozomi’s abdomen and the people sitting and standing around her turned to look. Mortified by her stomach’s rebellious and inappropriate sounds Nozomi’s face flushed a deep crimson. She muttered a quiet ‘Gomen’ to the train passengers before she hastily ducked her head and undid her braid. Setting to work on her hair she tried to do her best to sort it out while ignoring the slight nauseous feeling that was settling in. She hadn’t even eaten her normal small amount of calories this morning. No tea, no bit of rice. There was nothing in her system from this morning, nor last night. As Nozomi had gone to bed early because she had felt sad and didn’t feel like eating. It had now been a full twenty-four hours since she’d eaten anything. Ugh, her stomach could wait. It just needed to wait until after the live. She’d eat something small then. But only if she made it on time.

Tilting her head forward to brush the back of her head, she tried to ignore the lightheadedness that was settling in, but again she ignored it. She only hoped the other girls would forgive her for being late. At least her sprinting to the venue would count as a warm up.

\---

μ's sat on the floor together doing stretches before their performance. Each of them were dressed in their colorful costumes, anticipation of the event was settling in like nervousness today. Even Honoka looked a little off and it was clear to everyone why that was.

“Nozomi-chan is gonna be here soon, right?” Rin voiced what all of them were thinking.

Eli frowned, glancing at the clock on her phone which was nearby. They had 15 minutes before they needed to be on stage. This wasn’t like Nozomi.

“Did she say she was gonna be running late, Eli?” Umi asked.

Eli just shook her head. “No, she didn’t. She just said that she would meet me here. I thought she’d be here by now.”

Rin frowned and Hanayo looked like her jitters were getting the best of her.

“We can’t perform without Nozomi-chan!” Hanayo squeaked. “She can’t miss the performance, it’s too important.” Tears were brewing at the edges of her eyes as she gripped the edge of her skirt. “Somebody save me…”

Rin leaned into Hanayo and attempted to soothe her.

“There, there Kayo-chin. Nozomi-chan will make it. Just wait a moment. Right, Eli?” Rin asked her blonde haired Senpai.

Eli started to speak words of encouragement to her Kohai but she found she didn’t have the words. She was too worried about Nozomi to pretend otherwise.

“Of course, Nozomi will be here!” Nico interrupted confidently, causing Eli to face her. “She said she would, so she will! Have faith. μ's can’t perform without their goddess.”

“Of course we can’t,” chimned in Kotori, with a confident smile, echoing Nico. Kotori had picked up on the fact that something was off. There was something about Kotori that soothed the younger girls, excluding Maki, and seemed to calm them. It also did wonders to calm Umi’s nerves.

“She’ll be here. Nozomi is always there for us. She wouldn’t let us down. Fighto Daiyo!” Honoka jumped up and struck her signature pose.

“Exactly, Honoka-chan!” Kotori smiled, standing up, brushing her skirt clean of wrinkles. “In fact, I’ll go check the dressing room. I’m betting that she’s in there already getting ready.”

“Ok. We’ll start vocal warm ups, then,” Umi added, joining the rest of μ's on her feet. “Maki, lead us off?”

“Fine,” Maki consented and started taking the other girls through the warm ups. Eli complied but her eyes followed Kotori’s every moment, watching her exit the room to go search for Nozomi. She hoped the ashen haired girl was right about her hunch.

\---

To the staff backstage, it looked like a purple hurricane had just blown past them through the hallway. They drew close to the walls as it blew by, swearing they heard a quick ‘Sumimasen’ as it went by. At least it was a polite hurricane. But they worked in the entertainment business, so honestly they had seen much weirder. Once the hurricane known as Nozomi had passed through, they just went on preparing for the live show that was about to take place.

Nozomi searched the halls frantically, looking for the right dressing room door. 3A, 3A…where was it? Aha, there! Nozomi rushed toward the dressing room door, slamming it behind her. She made her way to her dressing stall, tossing her bag on a chair as she passed. She caught a glance at her flustered face in the mirror. She looked a mess still, but her hair was at least sorted. She’d even managed to do a quick makeup job. So, she was ahead of the game. She just needed to wipe off the sweat and get dressed. She’d made it this far, she couldn’t give up now. Nozomi slid off her casual workout clothes and began to get dressed in her costume.

‘At least the costume looks cheerful. It’s very clean,’ Nozomi observed as she sat on the bench and pulled on her white thigh high stockings. The stocking were always easier to put on before the dress so she focused on that, allowing the familiar rhythm of getting dressed to calm her. Once those were on, she stood up and began removing the dress from the hanger. But as she did so, the room tilted for her as she felt faint once again. In an attempt to steady herself, she overcorrected, losing her balance and falling into the wall of the stall with a loud THUD and a BANG

\---

Kotori was turning the knob to the dressing room when she heard a loud noise from within. Startled, she entered the room quickly looking around for the source of the noise. Kotori found herself looking at the slumped over form of Nozomi on the ground near her dressing stall. She was in quite the state of undress, just her underwear, bra, slip and stockings, but in her hands was clutched her costume. And she was muttering angrily to herself in a tone Kotori hadn’t even heard from her Senpai.

“Stupid…ow…stupid...you can’t even get dressed right. No wonder you are terrible at this. At being an idol. It’s hopeless. Stupid…ugly…damnit Nozomi!” Nozomi felt the tears stained her cheeks but she attempted get herself in check as she struggled to her feet.

“Maybe I should have just stayed home…” Nozomi whined, but stopped when she heard a small gasp from near the door. Crap.

Nozomi didn’t look up, but attempted to do away with her tears and put a smile on her face. The mask that she wore was becoming more painful.

“Nozomi-chan, are you alright?” Kotori questioned as she approached quickly, croutching down, inspecting the other girl as best she could. She wasn’t going to bring up what she had just heard. Maybe it was better that way.

“Yeah, Kotori-chan. I just slipped. No worries,” Nozomi faked smiled at her friend, hoping her face looked somewhat normal.

“Um….” Kotori began, not sure if she should accept the halfhearted look on Nozomi’s face. But then her eyes went wide as she saw a thing line of red trickling down Nozomi’s forehead. Nozomi noticed.

“What?”

“Nozomi-chan, your forehead’s bleeding!” Kotori exclaimed, pulling Nozomi up to her feet.

Nozomi brought a hand up to her head and sure enough felt the trickle of blood there along. This morning was going to kill her. Nozomi frowned.

“Well, shoot.” Nozomi made her way steadily over to the mirror to check out the damage. Lifting up her bangs, she noticed a developing bruise and nasty cut. “Now what am I gonna do?” Then she remembered the dress she was holding. She frantically checked it over before letting out a long sigh of relief. “Thank goodness, I didn’t bleed on the costume. Gomen, Kotori-chan. I didn’t mean to risk it. I know how much work you put into them.”

“Don’t worry about the costume!” Kotori said, rather exasperatedly. “You’re what I’m worried about. Does it hurt?” Kotori was already grabbing the first aid kit from her bag. She always did carry that thing with her everywhere she went. I guess it wasn’t such a silly thing in this case, Nozomi conceded.

“A little. But it’s nothing,” Nozomi said, attempting to wave it off.

“No, it’s not nothing. I’ll bandage it, but we’ve got to hurry because we have to perform still. And you need to get dressed. We’ve been worried…” Kotori said quietly as she had Nozomi sit down and she began tending to the cut on Nozomi’s forehead.

“The performance! How am I gonna go out there like this? I’ll look silly. And I don’t want to worry anyone.” Nozomi chewed on her lip. She’d really done it now.

“Don’t worry, I’ll do your bangs and you won’t be able to see it. This might sting a little.”

“tssssssss….just a little,” Nozomi hissed as the antiseptic wipe touched the cut. Kotori, to her credit was quick to tend to it and soon the bandage was applied.

“Sorry. There, all better,” Kotori said, putting away her first aid kit. She had used a comb to swoop Nozomi’s bangs over the bandage and developing bruise. “You want me to go get Eli to help you get dressed?”

“No!” Nozomi half cried.

Kotori blinked, startled at the outburst. That was two times Nozomi wasn’t acting like herself. And Kotori frowned. Nozomi immediately attempted to correct her mistake.

“I mean, no use worrying her. Or anyone else. Please, don’t tell anyone. I’m just clumsy today. It isn’t a big deal. You’re here already. Just zip me up and I’ll be good to go once I’ve got my shoes on.”

“O-okay, Nozomi-chan.” Kotori agreed. “I was gonna walk you to the stage area anyway. It’s a little hard to find it, after all.”

Nozomi offered a grateful smiled before going to put on her costume. Kotori helped zip up the back of it when she was finished and then the two headed out of the dressing room with 5 minutes to spare. As they walked to the stage area, Kotori couldn’t help but dwell on the nagging thought that Nozomi wasn’t as alright as she proclaimed to be. And something about her coloring seemed off. Even with makeup, Nozomi looked pale to Kotori. But should she pry? Maybe she should talk to someone. But who would be a good candidate? Eli seemed like the best choice but Nozomi had reacted so poorly to involving the student council president that she didn’t want to say anything unless it was an emergency. As they reached the backstage area and encountered the relieved looking faces of the rest of μ's, Kotori knew what she would do.

Rin glomped Nozomi and Hanayo cried with relief, while Umi and, a-trying-to-look-normal-and-not-worried-and-had-always-had-confidence-in-Nozomi, Eli calmed the rest and pulled them in for their pre-show circle. Kotori saw Nico looking at her with a raised eyebrow before she turned to examine Nozomi closely. Maki, who stood near Nico, gave them both a look. Kotori needed to talk to Nico. She seemed to know something was up so she might have insight. But she also needed to talk to Maki who had medical knowledge. Perhaps they could both answer her questions. At least, that was what she hoped.


	11. Piecing the problem together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nozomi's reaching her threshold and the others are officially on to her. Eli's going to have to find a way to help her.

After the live show, everyone was brimming with energy. Rin was practically sprinting around the dressing room afterwards and no one could say that they were unhappy in that moment. Though the start of the performance had almost been hindered by Nozomi’s lateness, it had, thankfully, not affected her or anyone else’s performance. It was a flawless performance by all, most of them noting an increase in Nozomi’s dancing and timing. Nozomi, on the one hand, was ecstatic that her hard work seemed to pay off, and she smiled along with the others as they talked about the performance. However, she couldn’t manage to get rid of the headache she was sporting. The physical exhaustion was getting to her but she pushed through it by telling herself ‘no pain, no gain.’

So, there Nozomi sat in her dressing stall with the curtain pulled tight, and her head in her hands as she tried to will the pain to go away. Every now and then snippets of conversation would float in as the other μ's members.

The gleeful chatter of her friends, however, was only background noise to the relentless thoughts inside Nozomi’s head. The performance had gone well, and yes Nozomi was happy with her dancing, but the entire time she was performing, her mind was focused on one thing: her costume. It had been weeks of nearly nonstop exercise and diet. She’d avoided sweets and fattening foods, drinking only water and she had cut back on her food intake, especially at night. But the more she cut, the more useless she felt.

_ ‘Maybe it still wasn’t enough,’  _ Nozomi thought to herself, as she shifted the bodice of her idol dress. ‘ _ I’ve lost some weight, but this costume still fits to Kotori’s measurements. It’s still fit snugly.’ _

Nozomi moved slightly, feeling the fabric cling to her. She sighed quietly, leaning her head back against the wall of the dressing stall. Outside she heard the others moving around and changing. The sound of a curtain sliding back from the stall next to hers, signaling that Eli had finished changing and she was greeted cheerfully by Umi.

Nozomi couldn’t make out all of what Umi had said to Eli, but she could hear the excited and admiring tone in Umi’s voice, as well as the sheepish embarrassed tone of Eli’s own as she replied to her kohai.

The interaction between the two girls made Nozomi feel insecure and she frowned deeply. It was so easy for the capable and talented Umi to talk to Eli and be open with her. They’d talk about dance steps, the songs, and many more interesting thing. They had a lot in common, after all. Both of the girls were talented and beautiful. They were also wildly popular with their schoolmates and had bonded on more than one occasion about their numerous fan letters and gifts. Who wouldn’t want to date either of them? And it would be understandable if they got together one day. They were extremely compatible and it would be a perfect relationship. Eli deserved perfect. Even if Nozomi loved her, she would never compare to someone like Umi.

Umi never had to worry about her weight. She was athletic; her body supporting a strong layer of thin muscle. She didn’t need to go through the extra hoops that Nozomi did. None of the other girls did, not really. Sure, Honoka had gained some weight and so had Hanayo, but the two younger girls were naturally thin. Even when they’d put on some weight, they had not really looked that much different than normal. But Nozomi did. She’d notice the change in the mirror when she was getting ready in the morning. The extra pinch of flesh around her midsection that she could feel with her fingertips or the lessening of space between her thighs as they expanded like inflating balloons – or at least that’s how Nozomi visualized it in her head. But self-criticism is always ten times worse than reality. Nozomi knew this, in theory, but when it came to herself the theory just didn’t apply. Nozomi was just shaped differently, she was genetically different. Bust, hips, waist, she’d always been a little heavier which meant she had to keep trying harder. She’d lose the rest of the weight and her costume would fit normally. And then maybe she’d stand a chance.

Nozomi didn’t know when she had closed her eyes, but they popped back open when there was a knock on the side of her stall.

“Nozomi?” asked Eli’s voice from behind the curtain. “Are you ready to go?”

The curtain was pulled back an inch and Eli peered in just in time to catch Nozomi open her eyes and turn towards her friend. Eli was already dressed back in her street clothes and Nozomi noticed that the noise in the dressing room was considerably less than before. She’d lost a bit of time, it seemed.

“Eh? Nozomi, why aren’t you changed yet?” Eli asked, stepping inside.

“Oh, hey Elicchi,” Nozomi replied, applying a smile for her friend. “Just sitting for a moment. I'm a little tired. But hey, my dancing was much better. So, it paid off, ne?”

Eli took in Nozomi fully for the first time that day. Her coloring wasn’t good and her eyes were a little glassy. She did look tired, but there was something more to it that Eli couldn't put her finger on. And that wasn’t like her friend. She lacked something, she lacked the spark that Nozomi always seemed to have. Her once playful friend looked worn down.

“Yeah, it did. But are you okay? Hopefully you aren’t getting sick. Don’t work yourself too hard.” Eli chided.

“I’m fine, Elicchi. As for working too hard, you shouldn’t really talk, Ms. former Student Council President. You had a reputation for doing everything yourself if I recall correctly…” Nozomi smirked.

“Yeah, yeah. But it’s different now. I've changed and am better. And besides, you should take care of yourself," Eli frowned. "Anyway, everyone else has changed. We’re having lunch together as a celebration for doing well today. Umi, Honoka and Kotori already went to go get us a table.”

Nozomi nodded, standing up carefully. She did her best not to wobble, but Eli noticed the odd motion. She stepped forward by reflex and reached for Nozomi’s arm, attempting to help steady her.

Nozomi waved her off, turning around so that she didn’t see her face. “I’m fine, Eli.” She said, dropping the honorific. Eli seemed taken aback by the change. “Just tired.” Well, that wasn’t entirely a lie. Nozomi _was_ exhausted.

“Ok. Just get dressed,” Eli spoke softly, as she backed away. “I’ll wait for you and we’ll walk together.”

Nozomi choked back a sudden wave of emotion, allowing her to speak. “Ok. I’ll be out in a moment.”

Eli stepped out of the dressing stall and Nozomi changed back into her street clothes.

\---

Honoka, Umi, and Kotori had chosen a small café on the outskirts of Akihabara which wasn't very far from where their performance had been. By the time Eli and Nozomi caught up to the rest, there was a round of juice waiting for them. Nozomi took her glass, sipping lightly after the whole group did a toast. She wasn’t sure how many calories were in juice but just to be safe she would stray on the lighter side of intake. When it came to ordering from the menu, that was a little trickier. There were so many decadent options at the café because the place was known for its sweets more than its food, but ultimately Nozomi settled on the lightest thing she could find on the menu. That turned out to be a soba salad. At least it had veggies.

“Itadakimasu!” The group said together before digging into their food. Performances tended to work up the all of the girls' appetites, especially Honoka and Hanayo who consumed food with a fervor that few could on any given day.  So, within the first five minutes Hanayo’s bowl of rice was complete gone and she was ordering a second one. Honoka’s bread was eaten first and most of the grilled meat she had ordered had disappeared into the ginger's stomach. The rest of the girls – Umi with her seaweed salad and fish, Maki with her pasta, Nico with her pink colored burger and fries, Rin with her ramen, Kotori with her slice of cheesecake and sandwich, and then Eli with her gyoza – eat much more slowly, but no less fervidly.  

“I think this was our best performance yet,” Honoka exclaimed, before tucking into a small bowl of miso soup that she had ordered, with a small slurp.

“Nya~,” cried Rin who was nibbling on the daikon from her bowl of ramen. “It was fun too! We were all moving perfectly.”

“Yeah,” swallowed Honoka. “And Umi’s singing was great as always!”

“Honoka..” Umi blushed as she delicately ate her grilled fish with her chopsticks.

“And Kotori’s costumes were so cute. Maki’s songs are always so catchy and fun too!” Honoka continued. “And Eli’s choreography was awesome. We all did so well. It’s exactly as Nozomi’s card predicted!”

“Her cards only said that because we’d been do our best at the performance. We’re the ones who made it happen. And it was also because you had the great Nico Nii helping refine your idol moves!” Nico said, grabbing her drink in a dramatic fashion and sipping on the straw. She looked rather smug. Beside her, Maki rolled her eyes.

“Right, because nothing else the rest of us did contributed to the success, Nico-chan,” Maki brushed Nico’s sentence off.

“I didn’t say that! Stop putting words in my mouth, you tomato!” Nico growled at the red head. Maki scowled at Nico in return.

“At least I’m not a gremlin…” Maki turned her back on Nico, crossing her arms, before going back to her own food.

“You did imply it, Nya~,” said Rin ‘helpfully’. Though she meant no malice in her words. Nico frowned and was about to argue back when Hanayo chimed in.

“But, you did help, Nico-chan,“ Hanayo added. “You were very important.”

Nico crossed her arms. “Hmph, of course I was. But I didn’t I did it alone. I’m just saying I was a big part of the success”

Everyone groaned, but decided to continue eating their food. Everyone except Nozomi whom was more focused on her salad and trying not to eat much of it despite the hunger pain in her stomach. She wasn't catching of the conversation. Eli glanced at her friend beside her, watching her play with her food. She leaned in to Nozomi, nudging her shoulder lightly. 

“Salad no good?” Eli asked quietly near her ear. as the other girls continued on with their conversation.

Nozomi jumped slightly, not expecting Eli’s voice to be so near. Her face turned a bright red as the rest of the table turned briefly to them for a moment. Some of them laughed, but didn't pay the action much piece of mind. It was just Nozomi and Eli after all. The girls were used to their antics, especially Nozomi’s. And the only sign that anyone was uncomfortable was Umi’s face as if someone had shamed her entire family. The girls went back to their meal. However, Nico kept an eye a concerned eye on them.

“Sorry,” muttered Eli, then continued speaking softly so that only Nozomi could hear her. “I just was curious why you weren’t eating much? Usually we all eat a lot after a show because we’ve burned so many calories. It’s important to replenish afterwards.” 

“I know,” Nozomi said, not looking at Eli. She continued to push around the soba in the bowl. “I’m just not very hungry. That’s all.” 

It was a lie and Nozomi hoped that her stomach didn’t decide to give her away. She needed to be strong and follow her diet. It was just harder to maintain when she was around other people or eating out at a restaurant. 

“Are you sure you are feeling ok?” Eli asked, her voice laced with concern. The sound of it stabbed Nozomi like an arrow in the chest. She didn't want Eli to worry, not about her.

“No, I’m fine,” Nozomi reassured the blonde, putting on a smile for emphasis. “Just a large, late breakfast. Today hasn’t exactly gone as planned. But I made it to the performance and we did well, so that is what counts, ne?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Eli conceded, staring at the last bit of gyoza on her plate. She was so conflicted but she didn’t want to make a scene over lunch with everyone else. She turned to Nozomi again but before she could say anything, the girls at the other end of the table started causing a ruckus. 

Honoka had stolen Rin’s ramen and Rin was flailing after her trying to get her bowl back from the laughing girl. The actions of the two girls escalated until finally they went too far as Rin chased Honoka around the table towards the third year's end of the table. One slip of her foot, and Honoka and RIn both ended up colliding with the table - causing them to spill the bowl of ramen directly into Nozomi’s lap. 

The group froze in place, their conversation cut off suddenly as Nozomi was drenched in a half eaten bowl of ramen. Even if all of the drinks had spilled across the table, all of the girls had avoided disaster. All of them except Nozomi. Her clothing was now a mess. 

Rin and Honoka backed away in shock at what they had done. The first to break the shocked silence was Umi who immediately started in on both of the ginger haired girls. She grabbed them both into a chokehold telling them how reckless they had been and that they needed to rethink their lives. 

Hanayo stood off to the side horrified and began begging Umi not to kill them. 

Kotori, Maki and Nico began to clean up the table and fix everything. The stares of the restaurant all on the group. Eli cleared her throat and stared daggers into her hohai, Umi especially. 

Umi seemed to realize that she was making it a bigger scene than necessary.

“Gomenasai,” Umi said, releasing the two girls and bowing in apology to the waitress who had approached. Honoka and Rin rubbed their necks and moved away from their capture. Eli sighed and also apologized to the waitress and the patrons nearby. As everyone calmed down, Nozomi was using a napkin to attempt to mop up the mess on the front of her clothing. Her expression was devoid of emotion and it did not go unnoticed. 

“Nozomi,” Eli offered Nozomi more napkins which she took without a word or response. 

“We’re really sorry, Nozomi-senpai,” Honoka said again. But there was little reply from Nozomi as she mopped herself.

“Nya~ Sorry….” Rin cried and Hanayo tried to console her.

It was then that Nozomi snapped her head up rather suddenly and the others were startled by the change of expression Nozomi’s face. Her smile was back, gentle, accepting, but to Eli and Nico and Kotori, it was fake. They frowned but Rin and Honoka seemed relieved. 

“It’s okay, Honoka-chan, Rin-chan,” Nozomi assured as she stood up. Her clothes were covered in noodle and broth. 

“Nozomi..” Eli tried again. But Nozomi just smiled at her. Again, the fake smile. The iron clad mask. Eli had no clue what was going on anymore and there was no way to tell either. Nozomi assured that but shutting her out.

“It’s okay, I’m going to go to the bathroom and try to get some of this off. I’ll be right back,” Nozomi said, making her way from the table. 

“I’ll go with you and help---” Honoka offered but Nozomi waved her off.

“I got it. Don’t ya worry,” Nozomi said and headed to the bathroom by herself, her purple, low twintails swishing slightly behind her.

\---

When the scene finally calmed down and everything was cleaned up, it became clear that lunch was officially over. As they waited for Nozomi to return from the bathroom, Kotori took this opportunity to pull Nico and Maki aside to talk to them.

“What’s up, Kotori-chan?” Maki asked as the three girls stood separate from the rest of the group. Kotori’s glance went to the direction of the bathroom briefly and Nico caught on.

“Is it about Nozomi?” Nico asked.

“Yeah, it’s about when I went to get her from the dressing room. And I didn’t want to bring it up to Eli until I had a second opinion,” Kotori confessed, looking worried.

“I see why you wanted to talk to Nico-chan, Kotori, because she’s a close friend with Nozomi, but why me?” Maki asked, frowning.

“Because I wanted your opinion too because she looked off,” Kotori said, fidgeting.

“How so?” Nico asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, for one, when I found her she had just fallen in the dressing room. And she was crying and just being really mean to herself before she realized I was there. She also has a cut on her forehead from the fall. It bruised too but I helped her bandage it and cover the spot with her bangs..” Kotori admitted.

“Ok...so she fell, was the cut that bad?” Maki asked, “Why did she hide it?”

“She was embarrassed, I think. Or she didn’t want to worry anyone else. She was already running late after all. Maybe she felt bad. Or knew that Eli would overreact. I’m not sure.”

“Well, that’s dumb. She should have just told us,” Nico grumped. 

“I know, but she asked me not to tell you guys, but the cut isn’t why I’m overly worried. She looked really pale, like she was sick or something. But she didn’t have a fever that I could tell. Her skin color was just off as if she was sick and she doesn’t look well rested,” Kotori said. “Her makeup was a little thick today, even for a show, so I imagine her eyes have bags under them.”

Maki frowned. “Pale isn’t good. I noticed she looked a little bit pale backstage but I thought it was nerves, perhaps.”

“Nah, she’s sort of been that way for several days,” Nico sighed and rubbed her face. The other two girls looked at her in question.

“Nico-chan, what do you mean? You knew about this?” Maki asked, looking somewhat mad.

“Calm down, Maki. Geez. It’s not that I was hiding it. I wasn’t sure what was going on with her. I’ve been keeping an eye on her ever since I found her in the club room at lunch the other day,” Nico bit her lip. “She was crying in the corner, on her hands and knees as though she’d just fallen. At first, I thought maybe she was just clumsy but I think it’s something else. Her coloring has been pale, it certainly was that day too. She tried to say she was just picking up her hair tie off the floor but the odd thing was that she was in her gym clothes.”

“What’s so odd about her being in her gym clothes?” Kotori inquired. 

Nico crossed her arms over her chest. “It was odd because I sat with Eli at lunch right before that. Nozomi was supposed to be meeting with a teacher but clearly she lied. When I confronted Nozomi about it she said she was getting in extra practice on her own but didn’t want to tell Eli. And that she was tired but wanted to improve because she wasn’t as good as Eli. She said the crying was due to some stress but when I tried to ask more about it she just deflected and put on that damn smile of hers.”

Maki and Kotori frowned. 

“So, she’s been overworking herself?” Maki asked and Nico nodded. 

“Well, that means she’s probably making herself ill by doing that,” Kotori added, but she didn’t look at ease. “But that doesn’t explain the other thing…”

“What other thing?” Nico asked but she felt her stomach drop a little at what else could be wrong. 

“Well, when I helped her into her costume, she asked me to zip her up, she, um...she looked thin.” 

“We’re all kind of thing, Kotori, what’s that got to do---” Maki spoke before Kotori continued.

“It wasn’t just that. I’ve had to take in her costume for this live three times over the last few fittings. I even took in the waist last minute this morning because of the fitting I did yesterday. It’s was loose. Which, is odd because when I measured her when I started on the costumes weeks ago she was up at least a size.”

Nico’s stomach continued to drop further. “What else?” She asked, her mouth going dry. 

Maki didn’t say anything as the wheels in her head turned. 

“From what I can tell she’s dropped three sizes since the first measuring. I didn’t think too much of it until this week, really. But that puts her at 2 sizes below where she should be.”  Kotori looked pretty worried now as the pieces of the puzzle came together.  “When I helped her change, she just looked unhealthy. Like, I could see the bumps on her spine more clearly. It was of scary.”

“How did she lose weight that fast? I mean, Umi’s regiment worked for Hanayo and Honoka but even that couldn’t do that for Nozomi. It all just sounds a bit extreme…” Maki muttered, twirling her hair nervously now. But she knew enough about medical things from her parents that she had a horrible hunch - which Nico then confirmed.

“She’s hasn’t been eating. At least not that I can tell.” Nico admitted. She had been putting off saying it aloud, but now that she had the reality was inescapable.

“What?” Kotori and Maki said, far too loudly. Umi halted her lecture that she was giving Honoka and looked over at the group with a concerned expression. Kotori immediately deflected with a reassuring smile and Umi seemed to relax before turning back to poor Honoka who was trying to inch away from the lecture. Umi pulled her back in as Nico looked out of the cafe window and continued.

“The day I found her in the club room, I suspected that she hadn’t taken the time to eat. So, I started watching her more carefully. And today was the first time I’ve actually seen her eat anything. And even then…”

“She just pushed her food around on the plate,” Maki finished, biting her lip. “Nozomi’s pushing herself too much with exercise and then not eating. From the look of her coloring she’s malnourished and she barely has enough calories to function, so she’s getting more clumsy. But she’s not paying attention to the warning signs. But why would she do this to herself? It doesn’t make any sense. Nozomi’s so good at helping the rest of us, taking care of us when we don’t want her too. Why is she being stupid?” 

Nico rubbed her face. “Well, now that I Kotori’s said something I can guess.”

Kotori looked up, a little confused. 

“Nozomi’s always been insecure. She doesn’t show it to everyone but I can I guess. Even if we didn’t hang out much before μ’s, I’ve seen how she interacted with people. She places herself to the side of anyone she’s with, especially Eli. She compares herself and her traits to them and I think that being in μ’s takes a toll on her insecurities at times. I mean, her boob size is impressive.” 

“But breast tissue is generally made up of fatty tissue. So, sometimes that translates to the rest of the body. She thinks she’s fat, doesn’t she?” Maki’s question was more rhetorical than anything, but Nico still nodded.

“But she isn’t. She’s not overweight, she’s just curvier than the rest of us…” Kotori squeaked, defending Nozomi even if the older girl couldn’t do it herself. 

“But Nozomi doesn’t see herself that way, and that’s the problem. She’s overworking herself to get better at dancing because she thinks she has to be as good as Eli, which can help her get better, but Eli was trained from a young age, so it is probably never going to happen. A near impossible goal, if you ask me.” Nico gestures. “But now she’s decided she has to be thin like the rest of μ’s.”

“Why now, though, if it has always been a concern of hers?” Maki asked.

“Well, I imagine something happened when Kotori measured her before she started making this performance's costumes,” Nico looked at Kotori. “Did you mention to Nozomi that she’d gone up a size?”

Kotori’s face paled and she looked on the verge of crying. “I-I didn’t know. She asked so I told her. I-I didn’t want this to happen…” Kotori hung her head but Nico was quick to put her hand on Kotori’s shoulder.

“Kotori-chan, it isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just answered a question. This is all in Nozomi’s head and we gotta figure out how to help her. 

“So, what do we do?” Maki asked, her mood had plummeted significantly, as well.  

“We figure out a plan. For starters, we try to get her to eat more without being obvious. We should encourage her as best we can.” Nico decided, pulling out her phone.

“I’m not sure it will be that easy, Nico-chan. Eating disorders are no---” Maki began but quieted as she saw Nozomi return to the group from the bathroom. 

Nozomi had managed to clean up quite a bit of the ramen and soup off of her clothing, but the stain was still very noticeable. Honoka and Rin were bowing lowly in front of her Nozomi in apology. But Nozomi simply forgave them and said she needed to head home. Eli stepped near Nozomi’s side, offering Nozomi her jacket to hide her ruined shirt. 

Nozomi took it and slipped it on, before waving to the rest of the group and heading out of the cafe, Eli not far behind her. 

After the two third year girls were gone, Kotori spoke up once more.

“Do we tell the others what’s going on?” Kotori quietly asked. 

“Not everyone, but I’ve decided to bring in Eli on this. She’s the closest to her, so she needs to step in and start helping her. If I’ll let her decide on whether or not to get the whole group involved,” Nico began texting. “Plus I’d better tell her sooner rather than later because I’d rather be alive and help Nozomi than be dead by the hands of that Russian Skyscraper of a girl.” 

 

\---

The walk back to Nozomi’s place was mostly quiet. Moving side by side, Nozomi and Eli were both lost in their own thoughts. Nozomi was doing mental calculations among her worries as usual; her face in a neutral smile as they walked. Eli, on the other hand couldn’t control her stormy expression while she thought loudly. If Nozomi had been paying attention on the walk home, she surely would have been concerned, especially since Eli kept glancing in her direction the whole time. 

Eli’s mind had been in turmoil ever since very early into the two friend’s journey home. This was due to Nico’s sudden text conversation.

_**Txt from Nico:** “Keep an eye on the Washi monster. Something's really wrong.” _

_**Txt from Eli:** “I’m trying but it is not easy when she won’t talk.“ _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “Well, I have an idea. Did you notice something odd about her at lunch?” _

_**Txt from Eli:**  “She seemed okay. Quiet, but she didn’t seem sad at least. Why, what did you notice?” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “For one, she ate a whole 4 bites of food. Which is bad on many levels, especially considering all of the calories we just burned during our performance.” _

_**Txt from Eli:**  “She said she had a large breakfast.” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “Eli, don’t be stupid. If she was running that late do you really think she had time to eat a large breakfast?” _

_**Txt from Eli:**  “...no, probably not.” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “Bingo. She’s lying. And if my suspicion is right she didn’t eat at all this morning. I’ve been watching her the last few days and I’m worried. So, try to keep an eye on her. Maki and Kotori are worried too. Kotori helped Nozomi get ready in the dressing room and said she didn’t look well.” _

_**Txt from Eli:**  “How unwell?” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “Well, certainly not good. We asked Maki and she said that she didn’t think her coloring was good and from the looks of it Nozomi’s lost weight. But we can’t say for sure unless she goes to a doctor. And I doubt she’ll do that. She’s been deflecting my questions so I don’t think she’ll agree to going to see a doctor.” _

_**Txt from Eli:**  “What should I do then?” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “Keep an eye on her. Spend some more time with her. I don’t trust leaving her alone for the rest of the weekend.” _

_**Txt from Eli:**  “Right, I’ll ask her to stay over tonight so we can study.” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “Sounds like a plan. Also, make sure she eats, because by the looks of it she is starving herself.” _

_**Txt from Eli:** “....” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “And see if she’ll talk. Maybe if you’re alone she will. She’s closest to you after all.” _

_**Txt from Eli:** “I’ll try my best.” _

_**Txt From Nico:** “You better, Eli. Because if anything happens on your watch, Nico Nii will never forgive you! We’re counting on you. We’ll do what we can on our end.” _

_ Eli knew it had been an empty threat. She knew Nico was just as worried about Nozomi as she was. _

_**Txt from Eli:**  “Hey Nico?” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “Yeah?” _

_**Txt from Eli:**  “Thank you for telling me. I’ll figure it out.” _

_**Txt from Nico:**  “It’s not a big deal. Just figure out what’s wrong. I don’t like seeing Nozomi like this.” _

_**Txt from Eli:** “Me Either.” _

Eli exhaled deeply, worried about what she should do. Her friend was in trouble but she didn’t know how to help. Eli found herself drifting closer to Nozomi the entire walk, but she was almost afraid to talk for fear of betraying her emotion. 

Eli looked over at Nozomi. She did seem pale, she even seemed sad underneath her smile. It was behind the eyes, Eli knew. They weren’t full of joy like they had once been. Even when she’d been sad before she’d come out of it. But it had been weeks now and Nozomi wasn’t talking. Eli watched as Nozomi’s fists tightened on the cuffs of the jacket that Eli had given her to wear, her fingers digging into the fabric. Eli couldn’t stand to seem Nozomi suffer, so she did the first thing that came to mind. 

Eli slowly moved her hand towards Nozomi’s and bumped lightly into her hand. The movement caused the muscles in her hand to involuntarily relax, letting go of the fabric. Eli used the opportunity to gently intertwine her fingers with Nozomi’s. Eli noted that Nozomi’s hand felt cold.

Nozomi was brought out of her thoughts by the gesture. She instinctively tried to pull away, but Eli wouldn’t let her. She tightened her grip.

“Hey,” Eli said, reassuringly. “It’s just me.” Eli smiled softly at her. Nozomi could feel her face heat up and then she ducked her head, not looking at Eli. 

“Sorry,” Nozomi mumbled. 

“It’s ok. What were you thinking about?” 

Nozomi shrugged, but didn’t say anything. They walked in silence for another minute, but Eli could feel that Nozomi was relaxing a bit as Eli swung their intertwined hands in a gentle rhythm. 

For the first time in a while, Nozomi actually smiled. Eli’s keen gaze did not miss this occurrence and she turned to Nozomi returning the smile with one of her own. 

_ There you are,’ _ Eli thought happily, as they stopped at the intersection where they usually parted. 

Nozomi felt herself not wanting to let go of Eli’s hand, but that was inevitable as they both girls needed to go their own way. And even if she wanted to be selfish, she still had a lot of work to do if she wanted to achieve her goal. And so, reluctantly, Nozomi let go of Eli’s hand and turned to head home. But Nozomi’s mask cracked for a half a second before she did, showing her reluctance. So, Eli made her move.

“Hey, Nozomi, do you, uh, wanna come over to my house and spend the night?” Eli asked. 

“Um…” Nozomi began, torn between wanting to say no and wanting, desperately to say yes. But what about her routine? “I don’t think I can, I’ve got some homework to catch up on and I need to--”

“Well, you can bring you homework with you, I’ll even help. You’ve been having trouble since that last test, right? I can tutor you. What do you say?” Eli looked hopeful. Her face was pleading. 

“Elicchi, I can’t ask you to do that. It’s my prob---” Nozomi started. 

“Nozomi…” Eli said, reaching out again to Nozomi. This time for both of her hands, holding them between the two girls as they faced each other. “Nozomi, please? For me. I’ve been…” Eli looks down, blushing a bit. “I’ve been lonely without you around.”

Nozomi’s eyes went wide, and her heart felt like it was beating very quickly. 

“What are you talking about, Eli? You see me every day at school.” Nozomi asked, taken aback but the blonde’s words.

“I do, but we’re always around other people. We haven’t done anything by ourselves in a while. Hardly walk home together either. This was the first time this week, actually.

“Was it?” Nozomi asked, not able to recall at first.

“Yeah, you’ve been busy staying after practice or you leave early to go home,” Eli shrugged. “And you’ve been going to school early so I can’t walk in the morning with you. And you’ve turned me down to go out for Parfaits every time I’m asked...” 

Eli tried not to look pathetic. This wasn’t about her after all, it was about helping Nozomi. But Eli couldn’t help it. She missed her best friend more than she had been letting on.

“So you miss the parfaits, then?” Nozomi half teased, masking her own hopeful thoughts that perhaps someone might need her. Especially someone like Eli. “You can always go without me. Or one of the other girls. I know Nico would prob—“

“No!” Eli tightens her grip on Nozomi’s hands in her own. Nozomi thinks she’s trembling. “I miss you. Not parfaits. I don’t give a damn about them if you aren’t there with me to share them with. You’re my best friend and I want to spend time with you. So, will you please just indulge me for one day? You’ve been working so hard. We all have. So, let’s take a break, okay?”

The look in Eli’s blue eyes contained so much emotion, so much desperation and Nozomi finds that regardless of what else she needs to do, she can’t say no to the blonde. She returns the squeeze to Eli’s hands finally.

“Ok,” Nozomi’s voice is quiet at first, so as to not betray the raw emotion she is holding back. “Ok, Elicchi. You’re being embarrassing, again.” Nozomi admitted, her face blushing in response.

“Just let me at least go get a change of clothing from home, okay?” Nozomi offered with a soft smile. Eli nods, her mood lifting. 

“Of course. You want me to walk with you?” Eli asked, letting go, looking sheepishly at her own feet. It looks like she regrets being so vulnerable. She’s embarrassed but Nozomi agreed to come over and that’s all that matters.

“Alright. Let’s go.” Nozomi said as she headed in the direction of her apartment with Eli not far behind her. She can feel her face still flushed with heat from the honest interaction and Nozomi can feel the hard thumping of her heart in her chest. She swallowed hard, trying to calm herself, but that nagging voice in the back of her head interrupted her joy. 

_‘You don’t deserve her.’_ It said. _‘Not like this…’_

Nozomi gritted her teeth. It was right of course. Even if Eli did want her around she’d need to improve herself further. She’d make herself worthy of Eli’s friendship.

_‘But never her love,’_ the voice said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst is about to reach its peak.=, I promise. There will be a good resolution for our precious Nozomi in the end, but she's going to have to hit her limit before she can start moving back up. Nozomi's about at her limit, especially in the next chapter. And Eli's on the case along with Nico, Kotori and Maki. I have faith in them.
> 
> The next chapter will probably be fairly long. So, bear with me while I take the time to write it.


	12. It All Falls Down, Pt 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update was broken into two chapters. I am going to upload the next chapter not too long after this one.  
> However, I will warn you now that things are rough in this chapter and the next. This is your trigger warning if you've experienced some body image issues or eating disorders. You may want to steel yourself. But I wanted to let you know that writing these chapters made me sad.
> 
> Nevertheless, I hope you at least enjoy the story.

The evening started pleasantly enough. Nozomi was sitting across from Eli and Alisa as the three girls whittled away at their homework. Nozomi’s thoughts were scattered as she worked, but between her own thoughts and her schoolwork she found herself stopping to watch Eli when she would occasionally lean over to help Alisa with her homework. Whenever Alisa would have a question about her schoolwork or if she didn’t understand a particular japanese character she would tug gently on Eli’s sleeve. Eli would cease her work and lean over to see what Alisa needed help with before going back to her own studies.

Nozomi liked to watch Eli at times like these because they ended up revealing her more sensitive and open nature, especially towards her sister. Even when working on her own studies, Eli’s expression would rotate through a range of emotions as she made her way through whatever question she was tackling. She’d frown at the ones she struggled to understand before her lips would curl into a secret smile as she figured out how to do it. And sometimes, Nozomi would catch Eli just barely sticking her tongue as she concentrated hard on something, determined to conquer it. Eli would never do these things in class, it was only when she and Nozomi were alone or with Alisa that she’d expose this side of her. Their classmates were never lucky enough to get a peek at this side of Eli and that made Nozomi feel special. Nozomi could probably watch the Eli for hours like this if she were allowed, but it would eventually become creepy and Nozomi knew it. So, she shifted her gaze back down at her own notes trying to break herself of Eli’s spell. But it would never fail that she’d find her eyes drifting back up from her book once more.

“Nozomi-onee-san, why are you staring at Onee-chan?” Alisa’s said, her voice breaking the  silence, causing Nozomi’s face to pink from embarrassment as she tore her eyes away from Eli and to look at Alisa.

“I wasn’t staring, just looking to see how far she was in her work, Alisa-chan,” Nozomi said, covering her actions with a smile.

Eli’s head jerked upright, looking between Alisa and Nozomi with a confused look.

“But then why were you looking at her so much?” Alisa questioned.

“Alisa! Don’t ask weird questions.” Eli scolded her sister, but she could feel the heat of her own embarrassment creeping up to her ears.

Alisa frowned. “Sorry, Onee-chan.”

Eli looked at Nozomi apologetically.

“Sorry about that, Nozomi. Did you need something?” Eli asked.

“No, no, just seeing how far you were,” Nozomi repeated, but stuck her head back behind her own workbook. She’d finished all of her work, already.

“I’m almost done, just a few problems left but this isn’t due for a few days anyhow. How far did you get?” Eli asked, setting down her pencil.

“Nozomi-onee-san is finished with hers already. She’s fast!” Alisa chimed in.

“Alisa!” Eli scolded once more, thumping her little sister lightly on the arm. “Let Nozomi answer for herself, don’t interrupt.”

Alisa eeped and ducked her head. Nozomi let loose a laugh, despite Eli’s attempt at disciplining her sister.

Eli turned to Nozomi, awaiting her answer.

“Alisa-chan was correct. Ya caught me,” Nozomi smiled, showing her completed workbook. Eli looked on in awe.

“Harasho! I thought you were having trouble with it before, though,” Eli commented. “Why didn’t you say you were finished we could have done something else.”

“It’s okay, Elichi,” Nozomi waved her off, closing her work book. “I was inspired by the two of you and the company is always a nice change even if I wasn’t busy.”

Eli smiled at Nozomi, understanding.

The clock chimed on the wall, causing all three girls to see exactly what time it had become.

Eli’s eyebrows shot up in surprise when she saw that it was almost seven.

“Damn, I didn’t realize it was this late,” Eli said, standing and stretching a bit.

“Language, Onee-chan!” Alisa said sternly, looking up at Eli.

Eli blink and shook her head. “Yes, Alisa, you’re right. I’m sorry.” Eli patted Alisa on the head and the younger girl smiled, looking pleased with herself.

“Alright, who’s hungry?” Eli asked, laughing when Alisa’s stomach growled loudly.

Nozomi laughed too, but stopped when she realized the obstacle in front of her: Dinner.

“That’s one vote from Alisa,” Eli smiled, looking to Nozomi, expectantly.

Nozomi quickly wracked her brain for a solution. How was she going to deal with a dinner that wasn’t exactly on her diet? She’d been very careful about her calorie and food intake that the thought of Eli cooking dinner made her anxious. And she couldn’t just outright say what she was on a strict diet, could she? But as she thought about it, she realized that Eli was still looking at her and waiting for her answer.

“Nozomi, are you hungry?” Eli asked again, her expression was strange, expectant. Nozomi felt more than a little bit uncomfortable.

“Um, yes. Dinner, sounds good. I’ll help cook!” Nozomi said overly cheery, compensating for her lack of response. She stood up in the process. If she helped cook she could try to guide the cooking without making a large fuss about it. But Eli shook her head.

“No, you’re the guest, you don’t need to help. We’ll take care of it, right Alisa?” Eli asked her little sister, who nodded.

“Yep!” Alisa ran over, hugging Nozomi tightly around the waist. “We’ll treat Nozomi-onee-san by making dinner for her!”

Nozomi somehow maintained her balance at the force of the hug, but didn’t do so very gracefully. She was still feeling light headed from the morning. She wondered when that would stop. It was becoming more and more annoying as things went on.

Eli saw the near stumble and almost stepped forward to steady Nozomi. But she held herself in place.

“No, it’s okay, I don’t mind helping,” Nozomi tried to explain. But the Ayase sisters weren’t buying it.

“It’s fine, we’ve got it. Just relax and we’ll get dinner ready.” Eli explained, turning towards the kitchen, expecting Alisa to follow her, but Alisa wasn’t paying attention to her.

“Alisa’s arms must have gotten longer!” she murmured, inspecting Nozomi and her own arms awkwardly. This child.

“W-what?” Nozomi stuttered out looking at the younger girl.

“My arms fit all the way around Nozomi-onee-san’s waist and then some!”

“Yeah, I guess they must have grown.” mumbled Nozomi but she tried to take a step back, attempting to escape the surprisingly strong younger Ayase.

“And you feel kind of...what’s the word…” Alisa thought aloud. But Nozomi had no clue. Eli looked mortified. “Sharp! Your feel sharp...like a bit boney--”

Eli abruptly took a step forward, pulling Alisa back from Nozomi and spinning her around. Eli looked her sister dead in the eye before saying something low and forceful. It sounded like Russian to Nozomi but she had no clue what was being said as the two sisters conversed. Alisa didn’t look happy, though. Nozomi felt embarrassed and decided it would be best if she just went to go put her workbook back in her bag in Eli’s room.

Once out of the line of Russian fire, Nozomi sat on the edge of Eli’s bed and tried to block out the sound of Eli scolding Alisa in the other room. It wasn’t really loud, but Nozomi felt bad that this had happened because of her. Perhaps she shouldn’t have said yes to coming over. Things were getting awkward and Nozomi just seemed to grow more and more anxious by the minute when she should have been at ease at Eli’s place. Perhaps she just didn’t fit in anywhere these days. She closed her eyes and tried to focus. She needed to move or something, or else the anxiety would get to her.

A soft knock on the door frame caught Nozomi’s attention and she opened her eyes. Eli was standing in the doorway, looking worried.

“Hey, you okay?” Eli asked.

“I’m fine,” Nozomi said.

Eli narrowed her eyes slightly, not really believing her friend. Her skin was pale again, not aggressively so, but enough for Eli to begin to see what Nico had been talking about.

“Are you sure? You can lay down if you need to. I’m sorry about Alisa. I hope she didn’t make you feel awkward. You know how she gets carried away. We’re still teaching her about manners and such. But sometimes she just...”

“...acts like a middle school girl. It’s okay, Elichi, no harm done.” Nozomi waved it off, standing up and approaching Eli. “But I just remembered that I need to run home for a few minutes and grab something I forgot.”

Nozomi did her best to act casually but if she could escape for a few minutes she might be able to rid herself of her anxiety and come back feeling refreshed and ready to properly interact with the sisters.

Eli looked puzzled, but nodded. “Sure, I can walk with you--”

“No.”

Eli blinked. Nozomi knew she had said it too sharply.

“I mean, I’m okay. I’ll be alright. I won’t be very long and you need to start dinner with Alisa and I’ll be back before it’s ready. It’s not that far.” Nozomi smiled at Eli reassuringly and touched the blonde’s arm briefly. This act seemed to assuage some of the confusion in Eli’s expression.

“Well, okay. I guess I’ll see you in a few,” Eli said, as she walked Nozomi to the door. “Hurray back, okay?”

Nozomi nodded before heading out on her errand.

\---

Nozomi felt bad. In truth, she hadn’t left anything back at her apartment.  She’d made it up, lying to Eli. She had lied in order to remove herself from the cloud of anxiety that she had built up around herself when confronted by Alisa’s words and the prospect of dinner without a way to adhere to her diet.

As Nozomi waited at the street corner for the traffic light to change, her mind swirling with all of her thoughts. Alisa’s comments were sitting at the front of her mind. Of course, Nozomi knew that Alisa’s arms hadn’t gotten longer. The younger girl was probably actually commenting on the fact that Nozomi had lost some weight since the last time she had seen her. The thought that she had actually lost some weight pleased Nozomi but she didn’t feel like she had been able to see the progress over the last few weeks. Things had been hectic with her new schedule of exercise and food management on top of μ's rehearsals, performances and schools. She’d felt tired more than anything and there were some mornings where Nozomi felt absolutely disgusting and like she’d made no progress. On those mornings she would make an effort to work twice as hard at her goals. In truth it was the only way to stop the nagging voice at the back of her mind; the voice that told her exactly how worthless she had become. She’d do anything to silence that voice, especially if it let her sleep at the end of the day, knowing she’d done as much as she could to improve herself.

The light changed and Nozomi crossed the street in the direction of her apartment. Arriving at her apartment, Nozomi shut the door behind her and leaned against it. She let out a low sigh of relief. Her apartment wasn’t warm and inviting like Eli’s house. It was decorated well and Nozomi had been known to be fond of it on occasion but it lacked the feeling of being welcoming like Eli’s place. It didn’t house four people. It only housed Nozomi and her loneliness for the longest time. And even with Eli coming over from time to time it still felt empty.

But even though it wasn’t normally welcoming, Nozomi took solace in the fact that she was alone for the moment. She felt like she could breath without the scrutiny of Eli or Alisa and she needed to give herself the moment to decompress after the long and stressful day.

Moving into the apartment proper, Nozomi began to look around for something to take back with her so that she could sell her lie of needing to get something from her apartment. As she began her search, Nozomi made her way into her bedroom and found herself looking into at herself in her mirror. Nozomi was still wearing her workout clothes from the morning. She turned slightly on her heel staring at herself in the mirror, gathering all angles. Nozomi’s expression held a frown as she scrutinized her form. Her search was forgotten for the moment.

Placing her hands at either side of her waist, she attempted to measure the width compared to her memory. What had Kotori said her measurements were? Nozomi wracked her brain, remembering the number and comparing against what she estimated the space between her hands to be as she looked on.

Nozomi hemmed and hawed over it for a moment. Perhaps she did seem a little smaller than before. Her hands moved lower towards her hips and the width increased. Her hips had always been a problem, hadn’t they? Nozomi thought, wryly.

Nozomi tugged at the fabric of her clothing. Her clothing did feel a bit looser than before. That fact was comforting. Nozomi let slip a small smile, thinking that she’d done something right and that all of her work so far had paid off. Perhaps her goal was in reach. But was it enough to make the difference and allow her to catch up to the other girls? Would it ever be enough?

Nozomi thoughts went back to the other thing that Alisa had said. She had mentioned Nozomi’s ribs when she had hugged her, didn’t she? What exactly did she mean? Nozomi gripped the edges of her shirt in her fingertips, tugging upward, removing it and tossing it away and onto the bed. Nozomi turned to the side once more and took in her semi naked body as she stood there in her pants and bra. She ran the fingers of her left hand across her stomach and up her side, feeling her torso. Her fingers traced over the slight outline of her ribcage like a mallet being dragged over the top of a xylophone. She did think that she felt a little more rough than normal, lacking the usual fat on that part.

 _Perhaps it was a side effect of the weight loss,_ Nozomi thought, turning so she could examine her other side. _Maybe I’ve done too much. Maybe I should lighten up._

But even as she thought it, Nozomi’s eyes fell down to her stomach. She frowned. No improvement there. She looked at the fat still clinging around her waist. Without her shirt on it was more obvious just how much more work Nozomi still felt like she needed to do.

 _You’re still disgusting,_ the voice inside Nozomi’s head said. _How can you be an idol looking like this? How can you stand next to everyone else looking like a fat big? How could anyone love you?_

Nozomi’s hands had pinched the fat around her midsection, measuring it, making calculations about how much exercise she’d need to add on and just exactly how she needed to cut more fat and calories out of her meals. How stupid she had been to think that she might be able to reach a resting point? Now that’d she’d seen her imperfections in mirror, it didn’t matter that she’d gone a bit beyond her original size because until she reached an ideal form she knew that neither she nor the voice in her head would be satisfied.

Looking over at the clock, Nozomi gauged the time. She might be able to get in a quick run before returning to Eli’s. Laxing on her exercise routine would do her no good, after all. If she was a little later coming back, it shouldn’t hurt anything. Eli would be busy cooking dinner anyhow and she wouldn’t be missed. Nozomi thought for a second about texting Eli to tell her that she needed to go on a run, but she hesitated. Something inside of her told her that she shouldn’t bring it up. The guilt inside her added another pebble to the bowl and she felt heavier for not sharing what she was doing with her best friend. But in the end it would best. When confronted, she would just lie again. No harm done, really. She’d just hide it like she did most of her other feelings. That was all.

Nozomi walked over to her bed and picked up her shirt and slid it back on before making her way out of her apartment once more and hitting up her normal route for her evening run, vowing to add another half a mile onto it for good measure.

\---

When Nozomi finally returned to the Ayase apartment, she was met at the door by a very concerned looking Eli. Nozomi hadn’t even managed to speak a single word to indicate her return before she found herself being spoken to by Eli.

“Nozomi, where have you been?” Eli asked, inspecting her friend.  

Nozomi had done her best to towel herself off and wash her face before she had returned back to Eli’s house. She’d even dropped back by her own apartment in order to do so. And she’d picked up her phone charger so she’d have something to validate her original lie. And while she’d done a mostly good job, Eli couldn’t ignore the flushed look of Nozomi’s general appearance.

“I went back to my apartment,” Nozomi stated simply, slipping off her shoes and putting back on the purple house slippers that El kept for her. As she bent her head, Eli could see a line of dried sweat that had formed at the back of Nozomi’s hairline that she had missed with her grooming.

Eli’s lips tightened into a thin line.

“You were gone an hour, though. What took you so long? I texted you and you didn’t answer.” Eli held up her cellphone showing proof of the text.

“Did you?” Nozomi pulled out her own phone from her pocket. Its battery had died. At least she wouldn’t have to lie about not getting Eli’s texts. “I..well, I had trouble finding my phone charger and my phone died. It’s why I went to get my charger.” Nozomi held up the charger in her hand as proof.

“But that shouldn’t have taken an hour, what kept you?”

Nozomi paused for a brief second, wondering if Eli suspected the truth of what she had been doing but that was impossible unless Eli had suddenly become a mind reader. Nozomi tried to subdue her suspicion with a bright smile but Eli immediately noticed the forced nature of it. That was happening more and more lately and she hate it.

“I was at my apartment, silly” Nozomi said confidently as she gathered her wits about her. “I got stopped by a neighbor who wanted to chat about the most recent letter from our landlord. I lost track of the time without my phone. So, I came back when I realized the time.”

Eli wanted to believe Nozomi. She really did, but something inside her couldn’t, no matter how she tried. Eli closed her eyes, trying to keep herself calm. Flying off the handle would do no good.

When she opened her eyes, she noticed Nozomi wasn’t looking at her, instead she was attempting to walk past her and into the apartment. Eli grabbed Nozomi’s arm as she attempted to pass, holding her firmly without hurting her.

Nozomi locked eyes with Eli and the two girls felt like they were holding their breaths.

“So, why are you sweaty, then?” Eli asked, not yielding her ground.

Nozomi could feel her heart in her throat. Being this close to Eli shouldn’t elicit this kind of panic. Normally, she would relish the opportunity to tease the blonde in order to see her blush but this was not a moment built for that kind of thing. Instead, Nozomi felt cornered and began withdrawing into herself as she came up with an answer.

“It’s hot outside,” Nozomi chuckled forcefully, trying to relieve the tension. And when I realized I had stayed too long I rushed back. So, I guess I got sweaty. That’s all.”

Nozomi smiled at Eli, trying to will her to believe her story if she could.

“Onee-chan!” Alisa called from the kitchen. “It’s almost ready!”

Eli sighed, realizing this wasn’t the moment to do this. She released Nozomi’s arm.

“Coming, Alisa!” Eli returned the call to her sister before looking at Nozomi again. “I guess it does happen. Why don’t you take a bath first before dinner then?” Eli offered, resigned to the secrets between them for the moment. She resigned herself to the reality that whatever was going on Nozomi wasn’t trusting her with it. Not yet, at least.

Nozomi nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

“You know where supplies are; towels are in the hall closet.” Eli gestured before turning and heading back into the kitchen. “Take your time. You can join us at dinner when you’re done.”

When Eli had left the hallway, Nozomi found herself letting out a breath she didn’t know that she had been holding. But she took the offer of the bath to try and regain her composure. She thought she was doing the right thing for herself and her body, but why did her heart seem to be hurting so much right now.

 _It’ll be worth it in the end,_ Nozomi thought to herself. _You’re doing this for her too. She’ll like you more when it’s done. Maybe even love you._

 _Impossible,_ responded the voice. _You aren’t worthy of her. Eli’s a star._

 _And I’m nothing but dirt._ Nozomi finished the thought herself, the negativity seeping into herself as she trudged off to take her bath.

\---

Eli and Alisa kneeled at their little table. Alisa was almost done with her food, but Eli had been slower to eat, picking at the food with her chopsticks.

“This is really good, Onee-chan!” Alisa exclaimed as she finished a bite. “You really are good at cooking. What do you call this again?”

Eli had only heard part of what she was saying. She looked at her sister, seeking clarification.

“Hmm? Sorry, Alisa, I didn’t hear what you said.” Eli smiled apologetically.

“Alisa asked what this was called again.”

“Oh, the vegetables? They are called goma-ae. Just simple seasoning of sesame seeds and some soy sauce little bit of sugar. You can do it with things other than carrots and cucumbers.” Eli explained, taking a bite of one of the carrots she’d been talking about. It was crunchy and savory. She liked it too.

“And these?” Alisa pointed to a smaller dish.

“Pickled vegetables to go with the salmon.” Eli explained.

“Right,” Alisa nodded, using her chopsticks to add some of the pickled veg to her bowl. The younger girl was inhaling her food. She was still so enamored with Japanese culture even though Alisa had been in Japan more than a year now.

“Remember to chew, ok?” Eli laughed, unable to contain her fondness for her awkward little sister who was so open and enthusiastic about everything.

Alisa nodded and slowed down her eating a bit.

“That good, huh Alisa-chan?” Nozomi asked, returning to the living area. She had finished her bath and had gone ahead and changing into her pajamas.

Eli looked up and smiled at her friend.

“She’s inhaling it. I was beginning to think that she wouldn’t leave any for you.” Eli commented, teasing her sister. She got up and went into the kitchen, dishing out a bowl of rice from the rice cooker for Nozomi.

“Alisa left plenty. Alisa would never want Nozomi to go hungry. Don’t worry we left you the best piece of salmon!” Alisa smiled, setting down her bowl.

“Arigato, Alisa-chan,” Nozomi smiled, kneeling down at the side of the table where food had been set out for her.

“Are you done, Alisa?” Eli looked over to her sister, who nodded.

“Yep! All done.”

“Good, why don’t you go ahead and take your bath.” Eli suggested, setting down the bowl of rice in front of Nozomi before retaking her seat.

“But Alisa wanted to talk to Nozomi-onee-san!” Alisa pouted.

Eli was about to reprimand her sister, but Nozomi spoke first.

“Tell you what, Alisa-chan, go take your bath now and when you’re done, I’ll do the tarot reading I promised you. We can talk when Elichi takes her bath, okay?”

Alisa nodded enthusiastically before scampering off to take her bath.

Eli chuckled.

“Thanks, Nozomi. That was much easier with a compromise.”

“You don’t have to be so strict, Elichi. She’s just a growing girl.” Nozomi commented with a smile. She was putting off eating as long as she could as she fiddled with her chopsticks.

“Yes she is, but sometimes she needs to focus on being dutiful. She’d run wild if we would let her. She has way more energy than I did at her age,” Eli commented, taking a bite of salmon.

“Perhaps, but I think your situations are a little different. Elichi had a few more difficulties and didn’t have someone like you to look out for her. Nurture environment was different. Let her be as free as she can be for as long as she can,” Nozomi advised.

“You always seem to know everyone so well,” commented Eli, bashfully, but then she noticed that Nozomi hadn’t started eating yet. She frowned.

“Something wrong with the food?”

“Hmm? Oh, no,” Nozomi lied. “Just deciding what to eat first. Your cooking skills have improved since I first met you. It looks delicious.” Nozomi emphasized with a smile. She wasn’t lying about that part. It did all look very good.

Eli blushed lightly. “Mou. Thank you, but go ahead and eat before your rice gets cold.”

Nozomi nodded and finally began to eat. Nozomi would be fooling herself if she didn’t admit how hungry she had become. But the deep pang in her stomach needed to be ignored if she had any hopes of keeping control over her diet. She could easily eat all of the fatty salmon and move on to the rest of the fare on the table. But she needed to keep control of the impulse to gorge herself. Keeping in mind the inch of fat around her stomach, Nozomi managed to force herself to eat only small bites.

As their meal went on, Eli found herself watching Nozomi more and more over the top of her own bowl. She felt awkward, paying so much attention to Nozomi. Eli tended to look at Nozomi fairly often but this was a new way of doing it. Nico had advised that Eli should make sure that Nozomi ate, to watch her if necessary, because whatever was wrong Eli knew it had something to do with food. Her thoughts drifted back to the text conversation with Nico, remembering the comments about how Kotori had helped her in the dressing room. There were also Maki’s comments about how Nozomi had looked sick or pale that had Eli’s eyes looking at Nozomi’s face.

Eli observed in front of her the same purple haired girl that she’d become friends with a little over two years ago. Nozomi’s hair remained the same shade and her style rarely changed from the low twintails that flowed down her back. Eli remembered how Nozomi’s face had changed slightly with age, losing a bit of the baby fat that she had worn on her cheeks during their first year. It made her smile to remember the two of them back them. Eli had been still growing, gaining three inches in height on Nozomi over the summer vacation between their first and second year. She’d been a bit ganglier back then but now she’d settled comfortably into her body, filling out nicely. Nozomi had blossomed too. With each month that Eli knew her, she thought that Nozomi had become more and more beautiful. Her bright turquoise eyes more full of life the more time that she spent with her and when they had joined μ's it had been a new world for both of them. Nozomi has become more open and that openness made her more beautiful, allowing Eli to know even more about her friend. People called Eli the most beautiful one out of all of μ's but Eli disagreed with them wholeheartedly: It had always been Nozomi.

But that openness that Nozomi had shown had been cut off over the course of the last several weeks. Something had changed, and now Eli saw her friend with worried eyes as she saw the indenture of the lines of the bags under Nozomi’s eyes, the sudden sharpness of her face, the way her clothes didn’t seem to fit well anymore. It was as though Nozomi’s spirit had deflated, along with her form. Even now, Eli could see the way Nozomi’s pajamas hung loosely from her torso, especially at the breast. Eli couldn’t remember any of Nozomi’s shirts not clinging to her friend’s..well endowed form.

Eli found herself blushing, suddenly thinking about Nozomi’s breasts. She ducked her head and tucked into her meal, finishing off her food. Why was she acting this way? Perhaps it was just the concern for her friend, but every detail of the growing problem was burning into her brain. Eli wanted Nozomi to return to her old self but how would she be able to help?

When she looked up again, she saw Nozomi eating quietly, but only taking the smallest of bites, she hadn’t eaten much at all and Eli was almost done.

Eli scooted the bowl of cucumber and carrot goma-ae towards Nozomi. She went for the indirect, but enthusiastic, approach since her earlier near-outburst had gotten her nowhere but Nozomi shutting down.

“Here, Nozomi, you should try these. I think you’ll really like them. They’re pretty simple to make but really tasty.” Eli smiled, encouraging her friend.

Nozomi looked up. She had been lost in thought. “Oh, hmm? Oh, Goma-ae. How domestic, Elichi.” Nozomi went into smile mode suddenly and reached for some of the offered vegetables with her chopsticks. She grabbed a bit, and set them down on her side plate, before picking it back up and tasting it.

“Mm. Very good, Elichi. You’ll make someone a fine wife someday.”

Eli choked on the water she had been drinking. It took her a moment to breath correctly again and be able to speak.

“Why would you say that, Nozomi?” Eli scolded, her embarrassment fading slightly.

Nozomi giggled but said little more. She continued with her small tastes, calculating as she went on how many calories each piece of food might be. Her thoughts were interrupted by Eli placing more salmon into her bowl.

“Here, you should have more. We had a big performance today, so you should eat more. Gotta keep our energy up after such events, right?” Eli smiled.

Nozomi blinked, but tried to politely decline the growing pile of fish that was in her bowl.

“Elichi, I can’t eat all of that..” Nozomi commented, stealing her bowl away out of Eli’s reach.

“But it’s really good. Don’t worry, it’s good for you.” Eli grinned sheepishly, but she did cease her salmon assault.

 _All that fat isn’t good for me_ Nozomi thought to herself.

 _Or your fat thighs,_ the hateful voice inside her chimed in.

“I’m sure it is, but I don’t need the whole fish,” Nozomi joked. “I’m almost full anyways.”

“But you really didn’t eat much, you should eat some more.” Eli commented. “At least finish your bowl.”

Nozomi looked down at her salmon laden bowl, a few vegetables on the side covered the still mostly full bowl of rice at the base of the dish. She tried to hide her grimace as she tried to decide what to do as Eli looked at her expectantly. She really didn’t have any other choice but to eat it all.

“Fine, I’ll finish it since Elichi went to all the trouble of making it for me,” Nozomi conceded with a friendly smile and Eli felt relief wash over her.

 _Objective one completed,_ Eli thought.

“Oh, I’ve got chocolate cookies for dessert too!” Eli said, getting up and heading into the kitchen. When she wasn’t looking, Nozomi rolled her eyes a bit weakly. Of course Eli had chocolate cookies for dessert. Nozomi could feel the calorie count skyrocketing. She sighed and began eating the rest of her food, forcing it down as the voice in her head seemed to be getting louder.

 _You’ll get fatter if you keep eating. The rice is a carb and it will go straight to your stomach. The salmon fat with become fat on your sides and thighs. Do you want to be a fatty? Just tell her no. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t have your problems._ The voice spoke.

Nozomi gritted her teeth and continued to eat despite the voice.

 _If I don’t it will look weird. We’ll double our exercise tomorrow,_ Nozomi tried to reason with herself but the more food she ate, the more she found herself wanting to eat. She wasn’t used to eating this much food so it was an interesting sensation, but if this was going to be her one moment where she _had_ to eat, she should eat as much as she could, right?

So, Nozomi ate all of the food in her bowl before beginning to pick at the rest of the food on the table, savoring the flavor of things she had denied herself over the last several weeks. When Eli came back, the food was almost all gone.

The blonde looked astonished at the sudden disappearance of the food. She held a tin of chocolate cookies in her hand.

“Um...cookie?” She offered the tin to Nozomi, who took a few and nibbled on them.

Nozomi felt sick but something about the feeling of being full sated some portion of the emptiness inside her. She hadn’t felt full like this in a while.

“Thank you, dinner was delicious.” Nozomi commented, standing up to take her dishes into the kitchen. The cookies hadn’t stood a chance and were already gone.

Eli nodded, watching as Nozomi went into the kitchen. The blonde was at a loss. She didn’t understand anything at all. Nozomi wasn’t eating then she cleaned the table of most of the remaining food? What was going on?

Eli was torn from her thoughts when Alisa bounced back into the room with her hair wrapped up in a towel to dry.

“Ta-da!” Alisa exclaimed. She looked at the table, now devoid of food. “Oh, did you like it, Nozomi-onee-san?” Alisa bounced over to the purple haired girl.

“Mhm, I sure did, Alisa-chan. You are turning into a wonderful cook.” Nozomi patted the younger girl on the head.

“Nah, Alisa only helped, Onee-chan did most of the work. She’s really the real cook!” Alisa said, happily.

“Well, I already thanked her. Now, why don’t we do the dishes while Elichi takes her bath, okay?”

Alisa nodded and looked back at Eli expectantly. Eli hadn’t heard her, so was startled when she realized that Alisa was staring at her.

“What?” Eli asked.

“It’s your turn for a bath. Go go!” Alisa said, moving over to hurry her sister out of the room.

“Hey, what’s the rush?” Eli asked, curiously.

“The sooner Onee-chan goes to take a bath the sooner Alisa can get her own tarot reading!”

Eli giggled and began using her own momentum to leave the room. “Fine fine, I’m going. Just behave and don’t pester Nozomi with too many questions, ok?”

“You got it.” Alisa smiled and Eli left to take her bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting for the update, friends! It took me a little bit to write this portion because it was quite the task especially after I worked an anime convention and then decided to take prompt requests over on tumblr (which occupied my time.) But at the end of the day I'm pleased with this story even if is a little bit sadder than originally intended. 
> 
> Thank you for support myself and my writing. Remember to stay nice to one another out there. It's a rough world.
> 
> Ganbatte, Minna!


	13. It All Falls Down, Pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola! I told you it wouldn't be long before I posted this second part (Psst....I have poor impulse control, so you benefit.)
> 
> Here is the second half of the last section. It was about 12000 words so I thought it needed to be two for the sake of your eyeballs. Also, for dramatic effect.  
> Again, l warn you now that things are rough in this chapter. This is your trigger warning if you've experienced some body image issues or eating disorders. You may want to steel yourself. These chapters = sad before the resolutions. There is still some ground to cover on the story. We're not done yet.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me!

When Eli had finished with her bath, she returned to the living room where she found Nozomi and Alisa sitting on the floor across from one another, Nozomi’s tarot cards between them. Alisa was chatting enthusiastically with Nozomi over whatever she had just told her. It looked like the reading had been a very good one.

“So, what do you think Nozomi-onee-san, if the cards think it is a good idea then I should do it?” Alisa asked.

“Mhm. You should definitely do it, and remember to be honest so the other person knows your true feelings,” Nozomi commented, picking up the spread in front of her and shuffling them back into the deck.

Eli decided to step into the room proper.

“Did your reading go well, Alisa?” Eli asked her little sister.

Both of the other girls looked up, surprised because they hadn’t realized that Eli had returned to the room.

“Mhm! It sure did. Nozomi-onee-san’s fortunes are the best!” Alisa grinned.

Nozomi shook her head, but chuckled. Eli thought Nozomi looked very tired.

“I just know how to interpret things well for other people. Besides, the cards are only a guide. Don’t forget that, Alisa-chan, the rest is up to you.” Nozomi smiled at the younger girl, who nodded.

Eli laughed lightly. “So, what did you ask about, Alisa?” She asked as she passed into the kitchen to do dishes but found that Nozomi and Alisa had done all of them already.

“Alisa asked about love!” Alisa grinned. Eli flinched.

“Love?! You’re too young for love!” Eli squawked, looking like she was going back into overprotective mode.

“Mou, Onee-chan…” Alisa whined. “Alisa is going to be in high school next year. Alisa is old enough to know how Alisa feels.”

Nozomi smirked. “Yeah, Elichi, she’s becoming quite the young woman. You should let her--”

Eli flashed Nozomi a glare. “You’re not helping.” She looked back at Alisa. “You are still too young to date. I don’t care what Nozomi’s cards say.”

“But when will Alisa be old enough to date then?” Alisa asked, standing up and approaching her sister.

“When you’re married,” Eli nodded smugly and patted Alisa on her head.

Nozomi laughed. Alisa pouted.

“But Onee-chan…”

“No buts. It’s time for bed. Come on, I’ll tuck you in and read you a story.” Eli commented, ushering Alisa towards her bedroom. Alisa lit up like a christmas tree, stopping next to the now standing Nozomi to hug her.

“Goodnight, Nozomi-onee-chan, thank you so much for the reading! Sleep well.”

“You too, Alisa-chan. Sweet dreams,” Nozomi returned the hug and Alisa bounced off towards her room.

Nozomi turned back to look at Eli.

“Don’t encourage her,” Eli mumbled, and Nozomi giggled.

“So, stern, Elichi,” Nozomi teased.

“I’m just looking out for her. She really doesn’t need to be dating until she’s more acclimated more to Japan. Who knows what might happen?” Eli admitted, worriedly.

“She’d probably have a great adventure. The heart of a maiden is a wonderful thing after all,” Nozomi commented thoughtfully. “She’d be able to handle herself, she’s smarter than you give her credit for sometimes.”

“Mou, I know. I know. She’s very bright. I just worry.” Eli commented looking at Nozomi. Her words held double meaning.

Nozomi nodded. “It’s what you do best, Elichi. Now, go, your sister is waiting for you.”

“I’m on it.” Eli said, heading out of the room. “Feel free to wait in my room, I set the futon out but we still need to spread it out.”

Nozomi nodded. Both girls headed their separate directions.

\---

Nozomi entered Eli’s room, letting the smile fall from her face. She didn’t have to wear it when no one else was around and while Eli was taking care of Alisa, she didn’t have expend the energy.

Nozomi was exhausted and now she felt sick to her stomach from all of the food she had crammed into her gullet. Her stomach felt distended and she hated herself even more at the moment than when she had left earlier. But Nozomi tried to focus on her task at hand. Set up the futon so she could sleep. It was simple. Sleep would help erase the anxiety. She felt so very tired.

Nozomi grabbed the futon off of Eli’s bed and set it on the floor, kneeling next to it. She began to unfold the fabric and smooth it across the floor near Eli’s bed. As she did so, her head once again began to fill with the self-loathing that had brought her this far.

“I feel heavy. Sick. I’m so tired,” Nozomi murmured to herself.

 _You wouldn’t feel bad if you hadn’t been such a pig. If you had any control,_ The voice said.

“I had to eat, she was watching me. Was I just supposed to be rude and not eat?” Nozomi said. She realized how dumb it must look that she was talking to herself.

 _You didn’t have to eat so much._ It scolded

“But it was tasty. Elichi made it herself. And I haven’t had food like that in a while.”

 _Was the taste of your dear Elichi’s food worth making yourself fatter?_ The voice reasoned.

“….”

_I hope you’re happy. You’ll never improve if you can’t control yourself. Eating all that food like an animal. No one will ever love you...not Elichi...not anyone._

“I’m disgusting,” Nozomi said, near tears now.

Nozomi needed to do something to get rid of the feeling of being weighed down. She couldn’t deal with that feeling or with the feeling of guilt, or desperation to fix what she had done when she had gorged herself. The food from dinner was sitting in her stomach like a lead brick. She felt disgusted by herself. She should never have given in and eaten anything. She hadn’t deserved to eat, not when she looked like this. She needed to get it out of her system.

As Nozomi worried about how to fix the situation, her anxiety flared hard and soon she felt the taste of bile hit the back of her throat. Nozomi went running for the bathroom, leaving her futon bed only half made.

\---

Alisa had crawled into bed and pulled the covers over herself. She was looking attentively at Eli as she joined her and closed the door behind her. The oldest Ayase sibling headed over to the bookshelf.

“What story shall it be tonight?” Eli asked, bending down to get a better look.

“Snow maiden!” Alisa exclaimed.

“The Snow maiden it is,” Eli chuckled and walked over to Alisa’s bed. She scooted in next to Alisa, leaning against the headboard and opened the book.

Alisa snuggled in next to her sister, laying her head half on her pillow and half on Eli’s lap. Eli gently began to stroke her sister’s hair, while she held the book open with her other hand.

Eli began reading, slipping easily into Russian as she read from the folklore book.

“ _Once upon a time there lived a woodcutter and his old wife. They were poor and had no children. The old man cut logs in the forest and carried them into town; in this way he eked out a living. As they grew older they became sadder and sadder at being childless…”_

Eli read, telling the story of how the old couple became lost in the woods and in order to have someone to protect them they made a ‘Snegurochka’ or ‘Snow Maiden’ who came alive in order to protect them. However, as Eli told the story of the magical Snow Maiden, Alisa’s head became filled with other thoughts.

“Onee-chan,” Alisa spoke up, causing Eli to pause in her reading.

“Hmm?” Eli looked down at her sister, who looked like she was growing visibly sleepy.

“Is something wrong with Nozomi-onee-san?” Alisa yawned.

“I...why would you ask that, Alisa? Did something happen?” Eli asked with a frown, closing the book, but keeping her thumb wedged between the pages like a book mark.

“She just seemed sad. Alisa doesn’t think that she’s really seen her like that before. Did something happen?”

“I’m not sure, Alisa, but I think something is wrong. Why would you say that she seemed sad?” Eli asked, continuing to stroke Alisa’s hair. Alisa was always more observant than she gave her credit for.

“Well, when Nozomi-onee-san was reading Alisa’s fortune, Alisa noticed that when she smiled, she didn’t seem to mean it. Or she was trying too hard. Does she not feel well?” Alisa asked, looking up at her sister.

“I think Nozomi is maybe sick, that could be the reason. The other μ's girls’ noticed her not feeling well too. It’s why I invited her to stay tonight so I could try and help take care of her.” Eli explained. “You know how Nozomi lives on her own?”

Alisa nodded.

“Well, I couldn’t let her stay by herself if she was feeling unwell, but she didn’t want to talk about it yet. So, luckily for me she said she would come over and stay the night.” Eli continued to explain. “I’m hoping that she’ll tell me what’s wrong.”

“Oh,” Alisa said. “Well, Alisa is always glad when Nozomi comes over. Perhaps Alisa should tell her more? That might make her feel better!”

Eli smiled at her caring little sister. “I think she might like that, but we’ll need to wait until tomorrow, okay?”

Eli leaned down and kissed Alisa on the forehead. Alisa yawned again and nodded.

“Ok, Onee-chan. You know what’s best. And don’t look so sad yourself,” Alisa commented, hugging her big sister tightly.

“What do you mean?” Eli asked. She’d been trying to keep a stoic face but of course Alisa saw right through her.

“You’ve been so worried about Nozomi-onee-san. But it will be okay, if anyone can figure out how to help her it’s you. You’re Nozomi-onee-san’s best friend and you’re the Cute and Clever Elichika!” Alisa nodded before snuggling back into her pillow. “You can do…” Another yawn. “...anything you set your mind to.”

Eli hummed, wishing that she had as much confidence in herself as her little sister had.

“Maybe you’re right, Alisa. Don’t worry, I’ll try to not be sad. And I’ll figure out how to help Nozomi.”

Alisa hummed and nodded.

The younger girl was starting to drift off. Eli chuckled and picked back up reading the story. But as Eli got back into the stride of reading the folk story, she found her ear twitching slightly as she heard the faint sound of footsteps down the hall and then a door closing. Eli didn’t really think anything of it until she heard the muffled sound of someone throwing up. If Eli hadn’t been pausing in her reading she wouldn’t have heard it. But by some miracle she did hear it and knew that Nozomi was the one making the noise. She tried to continue reading but her ears were focusing on the sound. Eli was really starting to worry, finally stopping reading the story as she heard the toilet flush and then the sink run for several long minutes. And after a minute or two, the sound of Nozomi returning back down the hall from where they she had come.

“Why did you stop reading?” Alisa murmured but she was only barely awake as the sound of Eli’s door closing could be heard.

“Because you’re already asleep,” Eli covered for herself, quickly. “Why don’t we pick the story back up tomorrow night, okay?”

Eli knew that Alisa hadn’t heard what she had because Alisa was already too far gone into sleep land. So, Eli decided there was no need to actually explain what was going on. “Okay, Love you,” whispered Alisa. Eli kissed Alisa on the forehead once more and tucked her sister into bed tightly.

“Goodnight, Alisa. See you in the morning.”

Eli replaced the book on the shelf and made her way quietly out of the room. It was now or never.

\---

Nozomi sat with her knees to her chest and head down. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her legs which were also covered by the futon blanket. A chill had crept over her body after she had gotten sick and the taste of minty toothpaste lingered sourly in her mouth from brushing her teeth.

Throwing up always felt awful. Nozomi didn’t know what had possessed her to think that throwing up would be a good idea in this situation but it had happened. And though it was taking her several minutes of sitting with her head down to stop the dizzy, lightheaded feeling that was causing the room to tilt, Nozomi was at least thankful that the anxious voice in her head had seemed to stop for the moment. However, after throwing up and the overwhelming feeling of her situation hitting her, she couldn’t help but feel empty, literally and figuratively.

The heaviness that had accompanied her binge at dinner seemed to have lifted but it did nothing to improve her mood. If anything, she felt even more closed off and pathetic, thinking herself an idiot for everything that kept happening. The ache in her bone caused a deep seated longing to make things right again, but Nozomi didn’t know how. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she needed to improve her body and that if she didn’t keep going she would never be good enough.

Nozomi became more and more lost in her thoughts, blocking all other sounds from the room as she took as deep of breaths as she could to try to calm down. The dizziness was fading a bit but she was still shaking slightly. It was due to her focus on these actions that she didn’t notice Eli enter the room, or kneel down in front of her with a cup of hot tea in her hands. In fact it wasn’t until Eli spoke her name that Nozomi even realized that Eli was there.

“Nozomi..” Eli’s voice came from what seemed like miles away. “Nozomi…”

Nozomi looked up, her vision slightly blurry as she looked into Eli’s visibly worried eyes. Sometimes Eli’s eyes really did look like a sparkling blue sky.

Nozomi made a move to straighten up and remove her arms from around her legs. But Eli stopped her with a free hand.

“Don’t, it’s okay, you don’t have to move,” Eli said, her smile relaxing and warm. “Just sit. Here, I made you some tea.”

Eli placed the cup of warm liquid in Nozomi’s hands. As the exchange was made, Eli could feel Nozomi’s hands shaking slightly.

Nozomi tried to turn down the tea.

“No, just take it,” Eli said sternly. Nozomi didn’t put up any more protest as she took the cup, trying to compose herself in front of Eli so that she wouldn’t worry was difficult, but she realized that it was too late for that and Nozomi had no energy to fight it her crumbling facade.

Eli watched carefully as she remained in her kneeled position in front of Nozomi. She could see the stress lines around Nozomi’s eyes from getting sick, she could see the pale color that didn’t suit her friend creeping across her face and over her neck. The shakiness of Nozomi’s hands and the unfocused nature of her normally lively, now blank eyes, frightened Eli but she remained in place in case she was need. As Nozomi sipped the tea, a little bit of color began to return to her cheeks, but not enough for Eli’s liking.

“Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well?” Eli finally broke the silence.

Nozomi didn’t say anything.

“Nozomi…” Eli tried again, moving to sit cross legged directly in front of Nozomi, who was looking down into her cup. Eli tilted her head in an attempt to get Nozomi to look her in the eyes.

“I...didn’t want to worry you,” Nozomi spoke softly. Shame was written all over her face. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She had tried to more careful.

“That’s ridiculous. I worry about you anyway, Nozomi, especially when I see you like this. You’re my best friend in the whole world. Something has been wrong all evening. And if I could make a guess, it has been wrong long before today.”

Nozomi didn’t answer. She just sipped on her tea, avoiding Eli’s gaze. It was ginger tea and it calmed Nozomi’s upset stomach.

“Nozomi, please look at me.”

Looking up finally with a tired sigh, Nozomi’s gaze met her friend’s. Eli’s eyes searched Nozomi’s calmly.

“There you are.” Eli said, smiling softly. “Don’t hide from me, okay? It’s lonely here without you.”

She looked at the blanket that covered Nozomi. “Are you cold?”

“A little.” Nozomi admitted, closing her eyes for a moment.

“I can get you another blanket,” Eli offered, as she brought her forehead to touch Nozomi’s, testing the temperature of the other girl’s skin. It was flushed but not feverish. Nozomi’s cheeks tinted pink at the action.

“No, I’m fine,” Nozomi murmured as Eli pulled back to sit once more. The closeness of Eli was comforting even if Nozomi felt awkward in the situation due to everything. “Arigato.”

“Ok. But if you need one just ask.”

Nozomi nodded.

“Alisa is worried about you, you know,” Eli began. “She noticed you were sad when you read her cards. Even though you were trying to hide it. You always do that when something is wrong…”

“Sorry,” Nozomi murmured, not denying it, not looking at Eli anymore.

“Some of the other girls are worried too. Kotori, Maki...”

“Sorry,” Nozomi gripped the mug tighter in shame. Was she really causing that much trouble for all of them?

“And Nico is concerned too. She said that you’ve been overexerting yourself. Said you’ve been running on your lunch break sometimes. She found you in the club room?” Eli tried to confirm, not really knowing where she was headed with this, but thought that the truth was best. “Is that true you’ve been overworking yourself?”

Nozomi didn’t answer but that was as good as an admission. She was staring at her tea cup, which was almost empty. She thought that the teacup knew how she felt.

Eli reached up and took the cup from Nozomi’s hand, setting it carefully to the side and out of the way so it wouldn’t spill.

“It’s not that bad, it’s just a little extra exerci--” Nozomi tried to explain her situation.

“I’m worried too, Nozomi.” Eli spoke cutting Nozomi’s words off. She spoke softly and without judgement. She took Nozomi’s chilled hands in her warmer ones.

Nozomi felt the desire to cry press against her eyes, her head stinging from the effort of trying not to do so. It clouded her thoughts ever so slightly that she was having trouble focusing on Eli’s words.

Eli’s thumbs gently moved against the back of Nozomi’s hands, attempting to warm them up.

“I knew something was wrong because you’ve been bottling things up. You haven’t been as open and your smiles haven’t been as...well, you, lately. You’ve been so much more sparkling since we joined μ's. You’ve been more open, even with me,” Eli smiled fondly. “Which made me happy because you were happy. But recently, it’s like you’ve retreated into yourself. Will you tell me why?”

Nozomi closed her eyes, focusing on the steady rhythm of Eli’s thumbs against her skin.

“It’s...It’s nothing. Just haven’t felt well.” Nozomi wasn’t exactly lying but it wasn’t the full truth and Eli knew it.

“I’ve noticed. You’re nearly as white as a sheet. Did you lose all of your dinner?”

Nozomi’s eyes opened quickly. She frowned. She had hoped that she had been quiet enough that Eli hadn’t heard her, but she was wrong.

“I…” Nozomi began, but Eli gave her a look telling her not to lie. “Yes, all of it and most of lunch.”

Eli nodded, she thought as much.

“I’ll take you to the doctor tomorrow.” Eli stated. “We’ll get you checked out.”

“Please no.”

Eli blinked.

“I’ll be fine. It’s just an upset stomach. I’ll be better in the morning, no use going to a doctor,” Nozomi explained.

She really didn’t want to get a professional involved. Deep inside her, she knew that a doctor would disapprove of what she was doing.

“I can’t force you,” Eli shook her head. “But I don’t think that’s true. Kotori said you looked really thin when she helped you change. That’s why she is worried. And Maki is convinced your coloring is off, and her parents are doctors after all….” Eli explained what her friends had seen and shared with her.

Eli was also angry with herself that she had missed these details up until now. She tried not to shake, though, as Nozomi might think that Eli was mad at her. She wasn’t mad at her friend, just at the situation. How could Nozomi think so little of herself?

Nozomi swallowed, feeling herself pull back emotionally from Eli. She didn’t want to be talking about this. She had never intended to be a burden. She just wanted to fix herself so that she would once again be an asset to μ's instead of a slob of a burden who couldn’t fit into the costumes.

Eli could sense the tension in Nozomi and she tightened her grip on Nozomi’s hands, trying to ground her.

“And Nico…” Eli’s voice cracked slightly. “She said you haven’t been eating right, or at..at all..”

“Eli, I…” Nozomi attempted to speak but her voice wouldn’t come. How was she supposed to explain that she was just doing this for everyone else’s benefit so she didn’t bring them all down? Nozomi’s head turned to the side in shame. The guilt overflowing inside her as the voice full of loathing and doubts began to ramp up again.

 _She’s disgusted by you. You can’t even do this right. She found out. What is she going to think now?_ The voice uttered a terrible idea.

“Nozomi, I just want the truth. Why are you hurting yourself like this?” Eli asked. “I just don’t understand.”

_Of course she doesn’t understand. She’s not fat like you. She’s perfect. You’re a pig. You don’t deserve her compassion or friendship, the voice got louder._

“Nozomi, please.” Eli said, a bit more desperately, using a hand to turn Nozomi’s face back towards her. She wasn’t gonna let Nozomi hide right now.

 _She says she wants to help,_ Nozomi thought, trying to combat the voice.

 _She’s lying,_ it answered.

 _Eli doesn’t lie. Not like that._ Nozomi gritted her teeth.

 _Then she pities you,_ the voice continued.

 _I don’t think that’s true,_ Nozomi volleyed back, but she was unsure as the doubts sunk deeper.

_How could it not be?_

Eli watched as Nozomi appeared to fight with herself, the battle written all over her face as her eyes filled with tears, the floodgates threatening to break.

“Nozomi, I care about you, ok. Please, just tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help you if I don’t know.” Eli tried again, pulling Nozomi into her lap, hugging her.

Caught off guard by the move, Nozomi let herself be enveloped by Eli’s warmth. It felt safe. _She felt safe._ The feeling tugged at the edges of her loneliness, dissipating it little by little. Nozomi could identify a feeling that she hadn’t felt in quite a while.

Hope. Eli filled her with hope that maybe the thoughts in her head could go away, that she would feel okay in her own skin once more.

Nozomi gazed up at her friend as she returned the hug, her tears obscuring the view of Eli only slightly from this angle.

Eli was so strong. She was the person Nozomi trusted more than anyone else in the world and yet here she was hiding from her. Eli, her most important person, the person she loved so much it made her heart ache.

Moving her hand up to touch Eli’s cheek, Nozomi found herself locking eyes with the blonde as the motion brought Eli’s attention down to meet her gaze.

Both girls could feel their connection in that moment. It was like electricity, and even though the tenseness of the situation had been clouding it a bit, this time it cut right through.

There was Eli, willing to do everything in her power to help Nozomi, her arms and heart open and willing to do so.

There was Nozomi, completely vulnerable for the first time in living memory since she was a small child, wanting nothing more than to let Eli comfort and help her get out of the swirling vortex of a mess she’d managed to get herself into and couldn’t climb out of on her own because she trusted Eli with every fiber of her being.

There are few words in any language that express the feeling of needing another person so desperately that it hurts your very soul. Words that express the deep seated need to never let go of that person and to intertwine everything you are into them and share that experience, walking through life seeing your shadow as two people. Words that express the most basic of human emotions. Words that convey the beating of two hearts in a rhythm meant only for them in a single moment. Yes, it is hard to find words like that. But Nozomi and Eli each knew the exact word that they needed in that moment. It resonated in each of their minds and hearts as they gazed at each other. And that word was, without a doubt, love.

When their lips had collided, neither of the girls was certain, but the two of them did know that they were now sharing a blissfully blistering kiss. Nozomi pulled Eli needily down to her with a hand scooping around the blonde’s neck. Eli went with the flow, dipping her head down, feeling like she was diving in and trying to drown in the feeling of Nozomi kiss. Both girls eagerly took from one another, Nozomi greedily shutting out the voice in her head, trying to forget herself in the feeling of Eli’s lips.

The blonde brought her hand up to Nozomi’s hair, running her fingers through it. It wasn’t until that moment that Eli realized just how much she had always wanted to do so. It was as if everything in the world aligned exactly as it should have been for Eli in that moment and she kissed Nozomi with all of the pent up feelings she hadn’t been honest enough with herself to realize she had been holding.

Nozomi was also in heaven and didn’t want to surface anytime soon.

However, something at the back of Eli’s mind tugged at her. She shouldn’t be doing this, she shouldn’t be taking advantage of Nozomi like this, not when she was in trouble. Eli panicked a bit, and began to pull away. She needed to fix the situation before she selfishly continued to kiss Nozomi.

The two girls broke apart from one another’s as Nozomi felt Eli’s hands push her gently, putting a little space between the two of them.

“Nozomi. Nozomi, wait…” Eli said, trying to catch her breath. She didn’t want to separate from Nozomi but she knew she had to.

The spell that had overtaken Nozomi was now broken and abruptly she was brought back to her senses. Nozomi pulled back, almost falling out of Eli’s lap as she scooted away from her. She touched her lips, in horror at what she had done. She shouldn’t have kissed Eli, she shouldn’t have done something so wrong. She knew Eli would never feel that way about her, especially not now when she was looking at her with what she perceived as pity. Nozomi had taken advantage of Eli’s kindness. She was an awful person for doing so. Nozomi felt the tears begin to start again. They burned worse than before as Nozomi could feel herself losing everything that made her happy. How could she stay by Eli’s side now, even as a friend?

Eli’s pained expression echoed Nozomi’s feelings. She reached for her friend, but Nozomi moved out of her grasp, turning away from her. Eli knew she had messed up. She’d ruined the situation with her moment of selfishness when she should have been helping Nozomi. _Stupid, stupid, stupid,_ Eli thought.

“Nozomi, I..”

But Nozomi shook her head.

“Eli, don’t...I-I’m sorry.” Nozomi said even more quietly than before.

Eli thought she sounded broken. She wanted to reach out to Nozomi again, but feared Nozomi would recoil once more.

Both girls sat, thinking that they were at fault, loathing themselves for taking advantage of the situation.

 _What kind of a friend does that?_ They both thought, in unison.

 _A selfish one,_ Eli’s brain replied.

 _A disgusting one,_ Nozomi’s inner voice chimed in. _Of course she’d never love you. Just look at the way she pushed you away._

“I’m sorry…” Eli managed to choke out.

Nozomi shook her head. “I’m sorry too..”

 _Of course she doesn’t like me like that_ , they both thought again. _She’s saying sorry to spare my feelings_. _I feel awful._

Silence hung thick in the air as time ticked on and Nozomi and Eli found that they could not fully look at each other.

“It’s late,” Eli croaked, standing finally.

Nozomi nodded quietly.

“Let’s get you to bed then, okay?” Eli offered. “We’ll talk again tomorrow.” It was the best thing that Eli could think of. Tonight was a bust, she’d done enough damage.

“Sleep sounds good,” admitted Nozomi quietly and she began to slip under the covers of her futon.

Eli flicked on her desk lamp before going to turn off the overhead light. The small light would keep the darkness at bay and allow Eli to sleep. Her fear of the dark never did seem to lessen with time.

Eli climbed into bed as Nozomi laid her head on her pillow facing away from her friend.

“Goodnight, Nozomi.” Eli murmured.

“Goodnight.” Nozomi returned.

Both girls felt a million miles away from each other as they attempted to fall asleep.

\---

Neither girl managed to fall asleep quickly that night, but they did eventually sleep. When Eli found herself waking up, she immediately remembered what had happened the night before and sunk into self loathing as she faced her bedroom wall. She’d never been so stupid in her life. No wonder Nozomi hadn’t wanted to talk about it. But perhaps now that it was morning, they could clear the air.

With a determined nod, Eli sat up, stretching. She looked over expecting to see Nozomi still asleep on the futon. But what she saw was the futon and blanket already neatly folded in the corner with the pillow on top of it.  

Eli got up quickly from the bed and walked out into the main part of the apartment. She didn’t see Nozomi anywhere.

“Nozomi?” Eli called out, worriedly, even searching the bathroom.

Alisa came out of her room, curious at why Eli was yelling.

“Onee-chan?”

“Alisa, have you seen Nozomi this morning?” Eli asked her sister.

“No. Alisa thought she was still asleep in your room.” Alisa admitted.

Eli went to check the hallway. Nozomi’s shoes were also gone and the purple house slippers that she had worn had been returned to their cubby hole by the door.

“I guess she left?” Eli murmured in a confused. She really hadn’t expected this from Nozomi.

“Onee-chan! Alisa found a note.”

Eli turned to see Alisa holding a folded piece of notebook paper. Eli thanked her and took the note, opening it and reading it.

 

_Eli,_

_Thank you for letting me stay last night and thank you for the homework help. I needed to go help at the shrine early this morning so I apologize for leaving so early and without waking you. Please don’t worry, I am feeling much better this morning. I apologize for last night and how I was acting. I will do better to take care of myself._

_Please give Alisa-chan a hug for me. I will see you at school on monday._

_-Nozomi_

 

Eli read the note several times. Nozomi clearly wasn’t ready to talk about what happened and Eli didn’t feel right pushing yet. She’d messed up after all. She’d give her some space, she decided, and vowed to talk to her on Monday.

Alisa noticed the sad look on her sister’s face.

“Did something happen?” Alisa asked her sister.

“Yea,” Eli frowned. Alisa looked worried now too. Eli placed a hand on her sister’s head. “But don’t worry about it Alisa. I’ll fix it. I promised you that much. Nozomi just needs space right now.”

But even as Eli said the words and Alisa nodded, Eli could feel something was very wrong with the whole situation. She desperately wanted to go to Nozomi right away but how could she after last night. Eli felt torn but she needed to sort out a plan.

Alisa was still watching her. Eli put on a smile for her sister.

“Ok, let’s not worry. I’ll figure it out. For now, let’s make breakfast, huh?” Eli said.

Alisa bounced off to the kitchen to start helping, while Eli grabbed her cell phone off the charger. She was going to need help. So, she decided to text Nico.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger. Yes, I'm a little sorry. But ultimately it will be good for the end result.
> 
> Nozomi and Eli sure are a mess, huh? Let's see how they do in the next chapter. We're ontop of the breaking point now, so thanks for sticking with me.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments. Or visit me at my Tumblr: IcarusWings87. Just be nice or constructive if you have criticisms. 
> 
> Stay cool out there!
> 
> Ganbatte, Minna!


	14. Shattered

Monday morning arrived and Eli texted Nozomi to see if she wanted to walk to school together.  Going through her normal routine, Eli attempted to center herself and her thoughts as she guided herself through getting Alisa and herself ready for school. They ate breakfast and gathering their book bags before Eli walked Alisa to her school per usual. Everything was as per normal except the fact that Eli still hadn’t gotten a reply from Nozomi. After seeing Alisa off to her class, Eli stuck around and waited for Nozomi to text her back, but as time ticked past she realized that she would be forced to give up and head to class. 

Normally, her routine would provide a calming effect for Eli, but this morning it was doing nothing but causing her to focus on the abnormality of Nozomi’s lack of response. They were best friends and on any other day it would only be a matter of minutes before they heard from one another. The fact that she hadn’t heard back from her made Eli a nervous wreck as she sat at her assigned seat arranging and rearranging her books and pencils on the top of the desk. 

She would finally be talking to Nozomi after what had occurred between them and even though she had practiced hundreds of different things to Nozomi when she saw, she still had nothing concrete. Nothing seemed to be the right thing because she was uncertain how to repair her mistake. 

What did one even say in these situations? 

Eli certainly didn’t know. She had never kissed anyone before let alone been in a situation like this before. 

Nozomi had been her first kiss. The thought of that began to sink in as she sat there. Had Nozomi kissed anyone before either? Had Eli taken her first kiss as well?

Eli shook her head, trying to brush that thought away. She rubbed her face with her hands and tried to refocus, giving herself a little slap on the cheeks as she sat there. A few of the girls in the classroom glanced her direction but didn’t say anything about the behavior before turning back to their own conversations about what they had done on the week. 

Eli pulled out a piece of paper. Maybe if she made notes and jotted down her thoughts that would help. But as she held the tip of her pen to the paper, she still didn’t know where to start, all she knew was that she had to come up with something before she saw Nozomi. Fixing the situation was her number one priority, so she couldn’t let this stupid mistake come between them as friends. She had promised to help Nozomi, so that was what she would do.

The sound of someone sitting down behind her made Eli sit up straighter and she rushed to hide the paper underneath her books, even though there was nothing on it. Eli turned around quickly

“Nozomi! Oh-a…” Eli blinked rapidly, when she realized that she wasn’t looking at Nozomi, whom she had expected to see. Instead she was face to face with Nico who was leisurely slumped in Nozomi’s desk.

“Nico? What are you doing in our classroom?”

“Well, hello to you too, Blondie,” Nico frowned and kicked her feet up on the desk. “I came to check on you and see if you’d made any progress with the washi monster.” 

Nico glanced over her shoulder at the door before looking back at Eli. “And I wanted to see if you okay.”

Nico gestured offhandedly, her normal bravado absent. In its place, barely concealed deep concern for both of her friends.

Eli opened her mouth to give the standard ‘I’m fine’ answer, but that wasn’t the truth and she knew it. She wouldn’t be able to get the words past her lips, even if she tried. It had been that bad of a weekend. Deciding to go with honesty, she looked at the ceiling as she spoke.

“I’m terrible. It’s been an awful weekend. I haven’t seen her yet and I don’t even know what I’m doing,” Eli put her head in her hands. “I’m so stupid…”

Around her, her classmates shot her another look, their nosiness increasing by the moment. They had never seen this side of Eli and didn’t know how to process it.

Nico frowned, placing a hand on her friend’s shoulder.

“Hey, you’ll make it through. We’ll talk to her, okay. We’ll figure it out and things will go back to normal.”

Eli looked at her skeptically. “Yea, but..”

“No buts. I said we’d figure it out and we will. And, another thing, don’t think that it’s your fault that you couldn’t do it on your own. She probably just felt cornered or something. I don’t know why she left before you were awake but we’ll figure it out.”

Eli sighed. She had only informed Nico about their conversation and that it had gotten awkward but she had refrained from telling her about the accidental kiss. The situation was complicated and Eli hadn’t been ready to discuss it with Nico or how stupid she had been. It was a very personal matter. What if it would embarrass Nozomi if she told Nico about it? Or maybe Eli was being dumb and that was the one bit of information that Nico needed to allow her to help with the issue. 

“Hey, Nico...there’s more I didn’t tell you. I--” Eli admitted but was interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice.

“Excuse me, Nicocchi, but I think you’re in my seat.” 

Eli stiffened in her seat and so did Nico. Neither girl had been paying much attention to the door while they were talking, so it came as a shock when they turned to see Nozomi standing above them both. 

“If you could please get your feet off my desk, I’d appreciate it.” 

Nozomi’s face held an easy smile as she looked down at Nico with an easy smile, and Eli watched her carefully for any sign of oddity but Nozomi’s mask stayed firmly in place. 

“Nozomi! Sorry, I was just talking to Eli for a minute,” Nico slide her feet off the desk, and stood up. Moving out of the way, it allowed Nozomi to slide into her seat.

“How are you doing this morning?” Nico asked as nonchalantly as possible but she couldn’t help the concern creep into her voice.

“I’m doing quite well, Nicocchi.” Nozomi smiled at Nico. “It was a lovely morning to work at the shrine.”

“Well, that’s good. I guess.” Nico shared a glance with Eli. They were both unconvinced that things were ‘well’ but they weren’t able to find any cracks in Nozomi mask. It was perfect. And it was frustrating.

“I trust all is well with you two, as well?” Nozomi asked, still smiling at them as she pulled her books out of her bag and settled in for class.

Both Eli and Nico nodded, unsure what exactly to say. They were completely thrown off by the way Nozomi was acting. This wasn’t at all what they were expecting.

The five minute bell rang, sending panic down Nico’s spine. She cursed loudly.

“Crap, I gotta get to class,” Nico said. “But I’ll see you both at practice later, yeah?” 

They both nodded and Nozomi gave her a quiet wave as she pulled out a pencil, tapping on the table as she prepared for the coming lesson. She wasn’t looking at Eli at all. That much was clear.

Eli turned her full attention onto Nozomi. She observed her for a moment before finally speaking.

“Ne, Nozomi?” 

“Yes, Elichi?” Nozomi asked, causing, still not looking at her.

“I just wanted to, well..um...can we talk about the other day?”

Nozomi’s shoulders tensed almost imperceptibly but Eli caught it. She leaned forward to speak more quietly when she noticed that their classmates seemed be listening, their silence causing her own words to reverberate quite loudly. 

“Look, Nozomi, I just wanted you to know that I---” 

However, whatever Eli was going to say was interrupted by a loud tapping on the teacher's desk. 

“Ayase-san, if you could please listen when I’m speaking, I would appreciate it.” 

Their homeroom teacher had entered when Eli wasn’t looking and was now staring at her from the front of the class. The rest of the class was also staring at her and Nozomi with great interest. Eli’s ears turned a deep scarlet color as her embarrassment spiked from the attention. 

“Please leave all personal conversations until after class. I’m sure whatever it was that you needed to tell Tojo-san can wait until later,” the teacher commented, sternly.

“Hai, Sensei.” Eli said as she ducked her head.

The rest of the class chuckled, only adding to her embarrassment. 

The teacher cleared her throat and the class went silent. “Now, with that out of the way, let’s focus on our lessons, shall we? Now, class, if you’ll please turn to page 103 in your textbooks…”

Eli exhaled, able to breath properly now that the classes attention was diverted from her. But she tensed when she heard a familiar voice in her ear and felt warm breath near her hair.

“Pay attention, Elichi, you wouldn’t want to fall behind,” Nozomi giggled before returning to her own reading. 

Eli nodded, but she was deeply confused as to how Nozomi was acting. She was acting like nothing had happened, like everything was just like always, like there wasn’t something wrong going on with her and that it was just another day. Had Eli misjudged the situation before? No, that wasn’t likely, not when everyone was so concerned about her. And Nozomi still wouldn’t look at her properly.

Chancing a glance behind her, Eli took in Nozomi’s appearance. Her skin was still a little too pale, though it looked like she had applied a bit more make-up foundation than normal. Nozomi looked tired, too but it was hard to tell with the make up. Her dark circles were covered and Eli thought that perhaps she was trying hard to counter the outer effects of what she was putting herself through. 

Eli didn’t know the answer, but she did know that she would try to talk to her again after class. For now, she stuck her nose into her book and attempted to avoid the ire of her teacher for not paying attention for the rest of the class.

\---

When class ended and the bell rang for lunch, Eli shut her textbook and turned around to speak with Nozomi. The desk, however, was empty and Nozomi was nowhere to be seen. She’d already fled the scene. Eli looked around quickly only catching a glimpse of Nozomi’s purple twintails as she turned a corner down the hall. Eli gathered her bag and ran after her, startling her classmates in the process as she rushed past them. Running in the hallways was against the rules and rules were something Eli always toed the line on.

By the time Eli caught up to where she had seen Nozomi turn the corner, she was already long gone. Panting, Eli slouched against the wall. Where the hell had she she gone? Why would she run away like that? She pulled out her phone and texted Nozomi.

 

**Txt from Elichi** :  _ “Hey, where did you go? I thought we could have lunch together.” _

 

It took a few minutes for Nozomi to reply making Eli wait anxiously. She didn’t know if she would reply this time. She certainly hadn’t earlier. So, it made Eli’s spirits lift when she heard the buzz of her phone when she received an incoming message.

 

**Txt from Nozomi** : _ “I had an errand I need to run. Thanks for the invite but I’ll see you back in class, Ok? See ya later, Elichi. ^.^ ” _

 

Eli clenched her phone tightly in her hand. She couldn’t believe this was happening. But she wouldn’t let Nozomi get away for long. She’d talk to her before class started again. She would make sure of it.   
\---

But never happened.

 

Saying that Eli was unlucky in her endeavors each time she tried to speak to Nozomi was an understatement. Her efforts were unsuccessful at every turn. Each time Eli tried to get Nozomi alone to talk to her, Nozomi would always be a step ahead. She was quicker on her feet than Eli, escaping the scene just before Eli could talk to her. Or Nozomi would arrive just as the bell was ringing for class. Without student council duties, Eli lacked that her normal avenue of seeing Nozomi one on one, so she couldn’t corner her friend to talk to her that way. 

Even during μ's practice, Nozomi remained smiling but distant. She smiled like normal but something about it was off putting to Eli who couldn’t get her to look her in the eye. She knew that whatever she was doing was an act. She would only talk to Eli at at practice and even then it was only the occasional playful comment to her in regards to the song or dance move the group was working on. The only other time she talked to her was when she couldn’t avoid doing so as it would make the situation awkward. Everyone seemed to realize that something was wrong between the two friends, but no one knew what to say.

Several days passed this way and the facade continued. Each failed attempt had Eli becoming more and more frustrated and soon the end of the second week of this arrived. Pulling her hair out over Nozomi’s behaviour, Eli didn’t know how things had gotten so far out of hand. One thing was certain, however: Nozomi wasn’t making it easy for anyone, even her to get close to her during that time. 

On the next Thursday following the incident, Eli had nearly given up. Perhaps Nozomi would just be happier without her friendship. Maybe she should just stop trying. It was these thoughts that consumed Eli as she hide herself away on the roof at lunch, unable to take being ignored by her best friend any longer and unable to act like everything was okay. Reaching this low point, Eli realized that she really needed to get the whole truth out in the open and ask for help. If she wanted to fix it she had to pull out all the stops. but she couldn’t do it by herself. She pulled out her phone and texted Nico to come meet her on the roof. And as she waited for her friend to arrive, Eli sat with her knees to her chest, back against the brick wall wondering if the situation was unrepairable.

Torn out her thoughts by the sound of the door to the roof opening. Eli looked up to see a blanket being spread out near her, she turned to see Kotori working one corner of the blanket, Maki on the other end. 

“Kotori? Maki?” Eli blinked.  Next to them was, both holding their lunches and distributing them once the blanket was in place. 

“Hello, Eli-chan!” Kotori smiled at her. 

“Eli,” Maki nodded and sat down on the blanket.

Eli still seemed confused by their presence.

Nico rolled her eyes.

“Eli, I figured that if we’re gonna have a proper talk about it and figure out what to do we’re gonna need more than you and I. And besides, Kotori and Maki have been keeping an eye on her too.” Nico explained, plopping down on the blanket next to Maki before taking her own lunch box and opening it. 

“Well, that does make sense, I just hoped that I could talk to you alone. It’s kind of, well, personal.” Eli fidgeted with her fingers. Her face tinted pink as she didn’t look at anyone. 

Nico raised her eyebrow. 

“Well, if it will help fix the situation with the washi monster then I don’t see why you can’t share with everyone,” Nico said, taking a bite from a tiny hotdog octopus from her bento.

Maki ate quietly beside Nico. Kotori swallowed a bite of rice before she smiled at Eli.

“I think it would help not only you to share it, but it would help us figure out what to do. And it’s not like we’re gonna tell anyone about it. We just wanna help Nozomi-chan.” Kotori explained.

“I guess so,” Eli closed her eyes. She wasn’t eating lunch. She just wasn’t hungry. “So, how do three think you can help? I mean, you’ve seen her at rehearsals, its like nothing happened at all after I talked to her. But she won’t  _ look _ at me.” Eli sighed. “She shows up right before class and then leave right when it is over or we are on break. And what’s worse is that she’s not NOT talking to me but she isn’t engaging me or really anyone. That’s what really worries me.” 

Maki looked forlornly into her lunch empathizing with Eli’s statement.

“I’ve been keeping an eye on her when I can. During singing practice she seems to be struggling a bit on focusing. Her breath control had improved before but I think it is weaker now.” Maki admitted, thinking about the past week. “And there was one day that I saw her out jogging. It was after I had left practice. I asked the driver to take me to the music store for some new sheet music and on the drive there we passed her. She was catching her breath for a moment but then took off once again. It’s hard not to recognize her hair so I know it was her.”

“Where was that?” Nico asked, half chewing. 

Maki relayed the location and Nico pulled out a small notebook, jotting it down. Eli glanced at it and she saw several other locational notes on the page. 

“These are the other places I’ve seen her jogging or followed her to,” Nico explained, seeing Eli’s looking at the paper. “If she won’t stay in one place, we’ll just have to corner her and make her listen. Because honestly, this is ridiculous.”

“You think she would respond to just being cornered, Nico-chan?” Maki asked, skeptically.

“I don’t know but what other choice do we have if we want to help her?” Nico shrugged.  “She won’t stand still.” 

Everyone else seemed to agree with that sentiment.

“Kotori, what do you have?” Nico looked in her direction. 

“Well, I did the fitting for the next performance…” Kotori set aside her half eaten lunch and pulled out a small notebook of her own. This one contained measurements. “From what I’ve been tracking she’s dropped several sizes rather quickly. That’s not good, it’s dangerous, in fact. So, it should be no real surprise that her body didn’t look very healthy the day of the last performance. And I can’t say for sure how bad it is now because she was doing her best to hide it from me in the last fitting. It’s like she doesn’t want to burden me with it, so she is hiding. I take it you told her about our concerns that night, Eli-chan?”

Eli nodded. “Yeah, I did. And the talk wasn’t going poorly, she just wouldn’t opening up much. She was very...sad. She wouldn’t stop crying, so I know something else is wrong that she wasn’t letting on about. It seemed to make her sadder that you all were worrying. I guess she doesn’t want to bother us. But that’s not working with her acting like nothing ever happened. She won’t let me in. Or anyone that I know of. Unless you three have been able to get her to talk...or at least eat?” 

Eli looked at her friends, but all of them shook their heads. 

“She won’t talk to any of us. We’ve tried many times but she’s not giving in or she dodges the questions,” Nico said, putting away her chopsticks. “It’s starting to piss me off.”

Maki leaned over, touching her shoulder with Nico’s as they both sat quietly. 

Kotori smiled at the two girls quietly before turning back to Eli who had returned her head into her hands. 

“What was it you wanted to talk with Nico-chan about?” Kotori asked Eli, remembering the beginning of the conversation. 

There came a low mumbling sound that no one could quite make out. 

“If it is too personal we can leave but we really do just want to help…” Kotori patted Eli on the knee.

Eli mumbled a little more loudly.

“Seriously, Eli, we can’t hear you, at least pull your head out of your---” Nico scolded.

“I KISSED HER.” Eli finally just yelled it out.

The other three girls blinked rapidly as they took in this information.

“YOU WHAT?” Nico furrowed her brows in frustration at the blonde.

“I kissed her...while we were talking. I don’t know what happened. It just happened. She was so sad, and I didn’t want her to feel that way. I just wanted to help her…” Eli admitted, falling sideways onto the blanket as though she were dying. “..and we kissed and it felt amazing...and then I realized how horrible I was taking advantage of her like that….and I don’t know!” 

Everyone else was quiet as they looked at each other. They all had an inkling about Eli’s feelings for Nozomi, even if the blonde hadn’t been fully aware of them. Eli could be oblivious at times, even in regards to her own mind and heart. But the other thing they knew was how fond Nozomi was of Eli. Many thought that those feelings bordered on love as well. So, it wasn’t a surprise to the three girls that the next question was asked.

“Did she kiss you back?” Maki asked, her face flushing at her own curiosity. 

“Eh?!” Eli sat back up.

“Did. She. Kiss. You. Back?” Nico reiterated the question and it gave Eli pause as she thought about the possibility for the first time.

“I think so. But maybe I wasn’t paying attention. But it was nice...and she did put her hand in my hair as I kissed her. I sort of got lost in it, maybe she did, I don’t know. I thought it was just me...” Eli’s face flushed as she spoke softly. The memory was coming back to her. It had felt good. It had felt right. She didn’t feel any hesitation from Nozomi when they kissed. It was more a desperate pulling of herself towards Nozomi. 

“And what else?” Nico said, sighing at Eli’s denseness.

“I...liked it. It felt right.” Eli admitted. 

Maki looked highly embarrassed at the description, but Kotori was enraptured by the account. 

“Did she like it? Did she tell you to stop?” Kotori asked.

“No, She, um, she didn’t push me away. And I had to push her away because I needed to stop because I shouldn’t have been doing that while she was crying and in the middle of a crisis. What kind of person does that?” Eli ducked her head, tears welling up in her eyes. The entire ordeal was getting to be too much for her. She just wanted Nozomi to be better and for things to go back to normal. 

Kotori scooted over a bit and wrapped an arm around her senpai. 

“It’ll be alright, Eli-chan.” Kotori cooed as the others watched. “You aren’t a bad person. You only wanted the person you like the most to stop hurting and for them to be happy. The kiss happened, so we have to deal with it. You have to deal with it. Maybe it wasn’t a bad thing, though. I mean, sometimes we let our feelings get carried away with us but it doesn’t make them any less genuine. We just need to get you both to talk and sort it out.”

Eli gave a sniffle and Kotori hugged her tighter. 

“But how? Nozomi won’t stick around long enough to say more than a few words in a group setting let alone talk to me one on one,” Eli murmured.

“We make her talk to us. The washi monster might hate us a bit for it, but she’s being stupid so we need to step in.” 

“Nico-chan…” Maki warned. “Nozomi isn’t stupid. She’s troubled. What’s she doing is dangerous, yes, but she has her reasons for hiding it from us, even if they are unhealthy. What is important is that we help her get better. And even if we do need to confront her that doesn’t mean we should be insensitive. It’s a delicate situation. She probably doesn’t think much of herself at all at this point. So we need to show her that she is worth something to us. At least until she can believe it herself.”

The others were a bit stunned. Such words of wisdom coming form their normally tsundere friend. 

“Who are you and what have you done with Maki-chan?” Nico looked at her with narrowed eyes.

Maki twirled her hair around her finger awkwardly. She frowned, turning in on herself a bit. “I’m just trying to help,” she mumbled.

“No, Maki, you’re absolutely right,” Eli sat up, realizing how true Maki’s words were. “We need to do that for her in any way we can. But let’s get her to sit still for a moment. Nico, you got a plan?”

“Of course,” Nico smirked as she began flipping through her notebook. “Ok, well, I know that on these days Nozomi tends to be here, here and here. She likes to jog…”

And so the four girls spent the rest of the afternoon formulating a plan.

\---

Sunday had arrived. Blissful Sunday. It was blissful because Nozomi didn’t have to be at school and she didn’t have practice. All that was required of her today was to work at the shrine for a few hours and not have to deal with avoiding her friends or pretending that everything was alright.

Nozomi was tired, more tired than she could recall ever being. She’d spent the last two weeks forcing herself to be cheerful and light hearted when around the other μ's members. She’d put  a lot of her efforts into acting as normal as possible in an attempt to get them to stop worrying about her. Then she’d put the rest of her energy into continuing with her exercise and diet routines. And of course, she’d whatever energy had been left had been put into keeping her distance from Eli ever since the incident. 

The thought of needing to do it made Nozomi sad. The act of it, even sadder. It had been a very long week of doing so, but she couldn’t help think that perhaps it was for the best after what she had done. She should never have kissed Eli, it was that simple. 

The memory of how Eli had stopped the kiss and pushed her away still made her heart clench with pain, but really Nozomi couldn’t blame her. Nozomi wasn’t pretty or thin like Eli or the others. She knew that someone as disgusting as herself would never get her feelings returned no matter how hard she hoped.  There might be a chance of it one day but she couldn’t help but think that it would only ever happen once she had improved her looks and figure. But as she was at that moment in time? It would never happen. 

The entire thing made Nozomi feel even more guilty when she thought about the fact that Eli had only been trying to help feel better that night. Even if she didn’t fully understand what Nozomi was going through, she had still wanted to make her feel better. Eli didn’t understand the pressure that was on Nozomi or the lengths she needed to go to keep up with the rest of the girls but Eli had always been kind to her. She wanted to try to understand and Nozomi had taken advantage of that kindness. It hadn’t been right of her to do and now she would suffer the consequences of her own selfish behaviors. She felt terrible.

The only benefits that Nozomi could see out of the whole situation was that because of the stress and isolation of the entire ordeal, it had been far easier for her to adhere to her exercise routine. There were no distractions when she ran and she could easily lose herself in the adrenaline of the workout as she pumped music through her headphones while she concentrated on the steady rhythm of her foot falls on the concrete. The other ‘benefit’ of the stress and loneliness was that Nozomi had lost all desire to really eat. Sure, she consumed a few calories here and there to keep the light headed feeling at bay. Or to keep some of the hunger pains away but overall her food intake had dropped significantly. Especially at school, because she made it a point to never eat in front of the others anymore. She hide away her habits, she hide away herself at this point. There was simply less pressure that way. 

Two weeks had passed since the incident and Nozomi had lost even more weight. She knew that she should be happy about this development. She’d reached her initial goal a while ago, but even when she had gotten there, she hadn’t been satisfied and continued to push herself further. The little voice in her head kept telling her that it was never enough. She needed to lose more, exercise more, especially when she could still use her fingers to pinch the inch of flesh and fat on her thighs and waist. It was visible proof of how she had failed. And so, she followed the voice inside of her, even if it lied to her to push her farther and farther along the path to being thin, causing her to hate herself. But perhaps with a few less pounds that feeling of self loathing would go away. Maybe she would then be able to fix things with her friends. She told herself that once she was perfect it would all fall into place. 

Losing weight was supposed to be a good thing. All the magazines and tv shows said and suggested that skinny people were happier. Nozomi wanted to be happy. She wanted to be thin. She wanted to get into shape. But the further down this road she went the more uneasy she became in her own skin. Even when she laid down to sleep at night her body was restless and she felt as if she was floating. She would cover her body with a heavy blanket but she still couldn’t achieve the feeling of holding herself down or being grounded. The lightness of her body was terrifying and she felt the need to hug herself and anchor herself before she slept in order to make sure she was still real. 

Her dreams didn’t come any more, either. It was all an empty void in which she floated, feeling out of control. The lightness in her bones engulfing her and making her feel even more tired than before. But each morning she got up and she lied to herself that it would all be worth it. And somehow she got through each day. But it became harder and hard to ignore the fatigue as it took over her body.

It was midday by the time Nozomi took a break from her work. The steps and areas near the shrine had been swept and she leaned upon her broom as she wiped off a bit of sweat off her brow that the warmth of the day had brought on. Her hakama had become ill fitting as of late making it a little harder for her to work. She’d tied it tighter than she usually did but it still felt baggy. Her haori also felt loose but she had managed to rig it so it would stay out of her way. She should ask for a uniform that fit her better. Yes, she would do that later. 

Gathering her broom, Nozomi made her way towards the storage buildings and along the side of the shrine. She hummed to herself as she put it away and then gathered a book from her bag. She’d need to do a little reading for class on her break but it wouldn’t be that much of a burden. Closing the door to the building, Nozomi leaned her forehead against the door and took a few deep breaths. 

“I’m more tired today,” Nozomi commented to no one in particular. The lightheaded feeling was back. But she hadn’t brought a snack to ward it off. She would just have to manage. “It’s only a few more hours and then I can go home and rest.” She reassured herself, before deciding to go find a shady spot to sit in and read. She hoped that the spiritual energy of the shrine would help her feel better and maybe even take some of the weight off her shoulders. She headed towards the trees near the back of the shrine hoping to find some peace there.

\---

Meanwhile, Nico, Maki, Kotori and Eli were hiding in the bushes nearby.

“Are you sure this is a good idea, Nico?”

“Eli, do you want to talk to her or not? If we corner her at the shrine then she can't leave or cause a weird scene.”

“Will you keep your voice down, Nico? We are trying to be  _ stealthy _ . If she sees us we’re screwed.”

“Can we not fight at least? Maki has a point we should be quiet…”

“You’re welcome!”

“Can we PLEASE get back to stalking Nozomi?”

“Nico, don’t call it stalking that makes me feel bad…”

“Eli what do you think we’re doing? We are following her and therefore stalking her. Now, be quiet.”

“Guys, she’s gone…”

“What?!” the others chirped in unison as they joined Kotori in peering over the bush they were using for cover. Nozomi had indeed disappeared from their sight, having walked away from the employee’s building.

Eli stood up, looking around hurriedly. “Argh, where did she go?”

Maki sighed. 

Nico pinched the bridge of her nose. 

Kotori stood up as well, and took a look around. Leaning forward to catch a glimpse around the corner of the garden, she smiled as she spotted Nozomi sitting on the ground with her back against a tree as she read quietly. After a moment, Nozomi set down her book and closed her eyes. Kotori watched as the expression on her face moved to an unguarded one. But there was pain there, not peace. Nozomi’s eyebrows knitted together as her shoulders slumped. Kotori had never seen her friend like that before and it made her heart hurt.

“Found her,” Kotori said as she turned back to the others, pointing out Nozomi’s location. 

Eli seemed to calm down at the sight of Nozomi and Nico signalled for Maki to follow her.

“She’s alone so now is our chance,” Nico declared.

Eli took a step forward but Nico stopped her before she made it very far.

“Maki and I will go in first, see if we can get her to open up a bit and then we’ll bring you in, ok, Eli?”

Eli looked depressed. “If she’ll talk to me…” She sat back down on the ground behind the bushes. 

“She will.” Maki commented and Nico nodded.

“Definitely,” Kotori said as she sat next to Eli.

Eli nodded and prepared herself for the wait as Nico and Maki headed around the building.

\---

Sitting in the shade of the tree felt nice, but Nozomi still couldn’t shake the feeling of being tired. She felt the lightheadedness wax and wane and thought back upon the last twenty four hours. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday having not been hungry at all. She’d also woken up late and hadn’t had time before she had headed to the shrine that morning so it had slipped her mind. Perhaps she’d grab something small after her shift at the shrine. Perhaps a nap. No, she still needed to go for a jog. Maybe a bowl of rice? No, nothing sounded good. She sighed, resigning herself to figure it out later, but for now, she would just have to stave off the feeling by pure willpower alone. 

The sound of footsteps approaching reached Nozomi’s ears, causing her to open her eyes. Assuming it would be a couple of shrine patrons who had lost their way, Nozomi smiled in the direction of the footsteps, but was very surprised to see Nico and Maki approaching her - looking like they were on a mission. Oh, dear. She didn’t like the look of this. She kept her smile on for her friends, but it felt far too heavy. She hadn’t been expecting them. 

“Maki-chan, Nicocchi. Good afternoon. What brings you to the shrine? Praying for something special?” Nozomi asked, getting to her feet and dusting off her hakama.

“Nozomi, you know why we’re here…” Maki commented, stopping near her friend. 

“I’m afraid I don’t, Maki-chan. Is there something you need help with? I’m on break but I can assist you when I’m done.” Nozomi smiled calmly at her.

Nico crossed her arms. “Nozomi, stop it.”

“Stop what, Nicocchi?”

“You know what. Stop pretending. We know you’ve been avoiding us,” Nico cut right to the chase.

“That’s silly, I haven’t been avoiding you, Nicocchi. I just saw you at practice yesterday. Or did you forget?” Nozomi tried to tease but Nico wasn't buying any of it.

“Nozomi.” Maki said, drawing her attention to the redhead. “Please, stop acting like everything's okay. We know something is wrong. You haven’t been yourself lately.”

“That’s a silly thing to say, Maki-chan,” Nozomi deflected easily. “I’m always myself. Who else would I be?”

Maki didn’t have a good retort for that.

“Nozomi, cut the crap, okay. We know.” 

Nozomi turned to look at Nico as she spoke. Her mask faltered for half a second before solidifying back into place. 

“Well, then you’ll agree that it is a good thing, Nicocchi. I have gotten a lot better at my dancing. Thank you for noticing. Now, if you’ll excuse me I do need to get back to my duties.”

As Nozomi started to walk away, it made Nico furious. Maki noticed, placing a hand on her shoulder, but Nico shrugged if off and moved to stand in front of Nozomi, stopping her from going anywhere.

“We know you’re starving yourself!” Nico said, staring directly up into Nozomi’s eyes. 

The area went quiet as Nozomi attempted to collect her thoughts. Nico took advantage of the silence.

“We know, okay. We know you aren’t eating. We know you’re overexerting yourself, exercising too much,” Nico admitted. “We know you’re...you’re hurting yourself…” Nico’s voice cracked on the last few words. Nozomi was taken aback.

“Nozomi, you’ve been avoiding us because we were worried about you. We know that Eli told you about our suspicions,” Maki commented, joining Nico at her side. 

Nozomi looked between the two girls. The mention of Eli stirred something inside Nozomi that she didn’t want to think about. She really didn’t want to be having this conversation.

“It’s just some diet and exercise. You girls are overreacting. It’s fine. I’ve got everything under control,” Nozomi tried to reassure them, but she could feel the weight of the lie as the words came out of her mouth. “Nothing to worry about, I promise.”

“That’s not true,” Maki said bluntly. “You’re pale. Your coloring is off. And judging but what I’ve seen lately you’ve gotten too thin. Even now, your haori doesn’t fit properly, does it? It looks loose. Kotori told us about how many sizes you’ve dropped.”

Nozomi didn’t say anything but she knew Maki was right about the uniform. 

“It isn’t healthy. We’re worried.” Maki shook her head.

“I said, I’m fine. Don’t worry so much. A little weight loss never hurt anyone. And Kotori really shouldn’t be giving out my size.” Nozomi play scolded. “As lovely as this conversation is, again,  you’ll have excuse me. I must get back to the shrine patrons,” Nozomi stepped around them again, but Nico grabbed her arm.

“Bullshit.” Nico said, raising her voice. “It’s not nothing. It’s not just a  _ little _ weight loss.”

Nozomi didn’t turn to look at the shorter girl latched onto her arm. 

“You aren’t fine. You haven’t been fine for weeks. So, tell us why you’re doing this. Let us help you” Nico pleaded loudly. “Please?”

Nozomi felt her resolve waning. She wanted to give in, to let them fix what was wrong but how could she? It was her problem to deal with. 

“You don’t understand. I need to do this.” Nozomi said quietly.

“You need to starve yourself?” Nico balked. “That’s a stupid need.”

Nozomi yanked her arm away from Nico, recoiling from the comment. Maki shot Nico a look telling her to fix her tone.

“Nozomi, why do you feel like you need to do this?” Maki asked. “It really isn’t healthy.”

“It’s different for you all,” Nozomi spoke softly. Her voice was trying to betray her. “ _ I’m _ different. I’ve always been different. I’m not thin like Umi or Nico. I’m not cute and petite like Kotori, or athletic like Eli and Rin. I’m not even spunky like Honoka, nor do I spring back like Hanayo. I’ve always been... _ this. _ I’ve been chubby most of my life. But I can’t let that get in the way of μ's’ success. I won’t be the weak link whose costumes have to be adjusted by Kotori every time a performance comes around,” Nozomi explained. Her voice had changed. It was full of shame now. 

“Nozomi, no one thinks you’re fat. Sure, you’ve got huge tits but that’s not being fat,” Nico gestured off-handedly. “And you aren’t holding us back. Don’t be stupid.”

Nozomi rounded on Nico, yelling at her, tears in her eyes. “ _ You don’t understand! _ ”

The two girls shrunk at the outburst. Nozomi didn’t yell.

“You just don’t. You’re naturally small and cute, Nicocchi. I’m..I’m  _ huge. _ So, don’t make fun of it when you don’t understand what its like to have been teased for your size your whole life. So, please, just back off, both of you.”   
Nozomi turned the other direction, trying to leave the conversation once more.

_ You don’t deserve friends. You’re too fat and they know it. They are just being nice. You’re not worthy of them,  _ The voice yelled at her.

“Stop…” Nozomi gritted her teeth, trying to stop it. She didn’t need this right now.

Maki raised her eyebrows hearing Nozomi as she tried to walk away. They couldn’t fail now. Maki needed to do something.

“Eli told us about the kiss!” Maki blurted out before she could stop herself. 

Nozomi froze in her tracks, gripping the fabric of her hakama to keep her hands from shaking. The idea of them knowing about her disgusting mistake shook her to her core. Was Eli telling them all how much she hated Nozomi now? Nozomi couldn’t take it as she fought to keep herself from breaking down.

_ Disgusting, _ said the voice.  _ You’re disgusting. _

\---

Waiting for Nico and Maki to call for them over felt like a very long, awkward stretch of time. Kotori wanted to make Eli feel better but it was difficult for her to know how. If it had been Honoka or Umi, Kotori would have known the little tricks to the cheer them up. Honoka was easy, she loved bread. That would perk her up instantly. Umi was a bit more difficult, but reassurance that everything would be alright and a quiet activity with just the two of them would do the trick. But Eli was different and more complicated. To Kotori’s knowledge, the only person who managed to get Eli out of her own thoughts was Nozomi, but clearly that wouldn’t work in this situation. 

Eli was so distraught over the whole situation and it was hard for Kotori to watch her be like this. So, Kotori sat there fiddling with the grass for a few minutes while she thought up a plan. Eli had pulled her knees to her chest and sat, staring at nothing in particular, and looked like she was gonna be ill. Kotori caught her glancing from time to time in the direction where Nico and Maki had gone and she couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have her best friend going through something similar. She never wanted to see Umi or Honoka go through that kind of pain and just the thought of it caused her to clutch at the shirt above her heart. When she thought about it this way, she knew exactly how Eli felt. 

“You really love Nozomi-chan, huh?” Kotori asked, quietly.

Eli looked over at Kotori and nodded as her tears pressing against the back of her eyes. She really didn’t want to cry right now.

“Yeah, I do. But I think I only realized it that night...oddly,” Eli mused, softly.

“Hmm. That makes sense. Sometimes it takes something powerful for us to realize it…” Kotori smiled a little to herself. Remembering a time when she had almost left her best friends behind.

“Is there someone you love?” Eli asked, laying her head on an arm.

Kotori nodded. “Yeah, there is, though I’m not sure if they like me back. I’m hopeful but I don’t know.” She sighed. “So, I kind of know how you feel.”

“It’s hard seeing her like this,” Eli confessed. “I’ve always cared so much for Nozomi. She was my first friend, really. I’ve never had anyone quite like her in my life. Everyone else always wanted something from me. But Nozomi...she just wanted to be my friend. It was simple. And since the day she introduced herself to me, we’ve been together.”

“She’s very important to you” Kotori hummed.

“She is. I just don’t know what went wrong or where. Maybe if I had paid more attention or said something sooner…” Eli sighed. “All of these maybes keep entering my head and I just want to know how I can help.”

“We all want to, but we can’t focus on the past. We have to focus on her now and help her going forward.”

Eli nodded, but still looked sad. “I tried to, I did but I messed up because I’m stupid.”

Kotori shooked her head. “No, you’re not stupid. You just care for her deeply. It was the wrong moment for both of you, perhaps. But feelings aren’t stupid. They’re feelings. They are what they are and the fact that you love Nozomi isn’t wrong.”

“Yeah, but she doesn’t love me back and I---”

“Eli,” Kotori looked at her friend. “If you want my opinion, Nozomi-chan likes you just as much as you like her. It was just a very confusing moment for both of you all things considered.”

Eli blinked, not knowing whether to believe Kotori’s words. Did Nozomi like her as much as she did? Was it true or was it Kotori just being nice? 

Eli didn’t know. She ducked her head in thought. However, Eli couldn’t deny that as Kotori spoke, a small spark of hope ignited with her at the thought Nozomi might feel the same.

“H-how do you know that?” Eli asked, quietly. 

“Because I’ve seen Nozomi-chan with you. She’s always there, supporting you. She puts you before herself. That’s what we do for those we love. We want them to succeed and be happy so we support them,” Kotori explained with a soft smile. “I’ve also seen the way she looks at you when you aren’t paying attention. I’ve given those looks myself to someone and I know how much it can hurt to long for someone from afar. If I had to guess, I would say she has loved you for a long time. And if my other guess is correct, I think that Nozomi blames herself for the kiss as much as you do. She’s never let you know of her feelings most likely because she didn’t want hurt you. So, when it happened a few weeks ago and you kissed...she panicked. And if Nozomi-chan does anything when she’s uncertain what would it be?”

“She hides to protect herself.” Eli said.

“Exactly. We all know she does it but she’s just never done it to this extent before.”

Eli didn’t know what to think. If there was the possibility of it, well, she didn’t know what she would do. But the idea was something for Eli to hold onto to keep her from sinking into her despair over the situation. Perhaps it had all been a misunderstanding. If they could clear the air, then Eli might be able to say exactly how she felt about Nozomi. Eli wanted Nozomi to see herself through her eyes. Nozomi had always been beautiful. She’d always been perfect to Eli, so she couldn’t understand why she was putting herself through all of this pain just to lose weight she didn’t need to lose. Maybe, just maybe, Eli could find a way to change Nozomi’s mind about herself by telling her these things by telling her that she loved her. It might not change everything but even a little bit of a change would be better than nothing. Eli had to try because she hated seeing the girl she loved like this. 

But Eli needed Nozomi to open up first and perhaps with a little rational help and support, love would be able to heal Nozomi. She could try being honest, it certainly couldn’t make more of a mess for them than they were in already.

“Maybe you’re right, Kotori. I’ve got an idea. Let’s just hope that she’ll talk to me,” Eli sat up and Kotori placed a hand on her shoulder. 

“I’m sure she will. Even if she wants to run, I don’t think her heart will let her,” Kotori smiled reassuringly at Eli.

“Your words to the god’s ears.” Eli grimaced but the spark of hope within her chest growing as she now knew what she needed to try to do for her friend.

In the distance, Eli and Kotori heard raised voices. They recognized Nico’s voice and stood up quickly. They made their way towards the edge of the building. 

Nico was speaking loudly at Nozomi, gripping her arm. Whatever was said next, caused Nozomi to snap and she yelled at Nico. Eli blinked. She had never seen Nozomi yell before. But before she knew it, Nozomi was walking away from the scene, extremely upset. 

But she was stopped in her tracks as Maki yelled after her. 

“Eli told us about the kiss!” Maki blurted out and Eli could feel herself groan inside. This was not the break of trust that she needed right now. 

Eli waited, watching as Nozomi stood deathly still, facing away from them all, gripping the edges of her shrine maiden dress. 

Eli frowned, she didn’t know what was going on, but this sure didn’t look like it was helping. She moved to step from her hiding place, but Kotori’s hand stopped her.

“Kotori?” 

“Don’t. She’ll feel cornered and that won’t help. Let’s watch for a minute,” Kotori reasoned and Eli nodded. They watched the rest of the scene unfold.

\---

“So, she told you?” Nozomi’s voice was dangerously quiet.

Maki swallowed. “Yes, but it’s not like th--”

Nozomi laughed darkly. “Then I guess you know that on top of being...this,” she gestured to her figure. “That I’m someone who takes advantage of their friend’s goodwill. Disgusting…” 

Nico couldn’t take it anymore. She yanked Nozomi around again to face them.

“Stop it, damnit!” Nico shouted at her. But her voice was laced with concern. “You aren’t disgusting. You aren’t a terrible person. You don’t need to be doing this to yourself.” Nico couldn’t stop the tears from falling down her cheeks. “We all care about you. We don’t think you need to lose any weight. Don’t run away again, Nozomi. We l---”

Nozomi felt her own tears threatening to join the party. But as she fought to hold them back, she found herself unable to decipher the rest of Nico’s words. Spots appeared in Nozomi’s eyes as the strain of the conversation brought back the feeling of lightheadedness at a rapid pace. The world tilted suddenly and she wobbled. She needed to sit down. It was all too much as she reached out for Nico to steady herself.

Nozomi saw Maki mouth something that seemed to be her name but Nozomi wasn’t sure any more. She felt herself falling.

“We want to hel---Nozomi?” Nico’s eyes widened as Nozomi’s eyes went go blank. Something was really wrong.

From her short distance away, Eli watched the scene unfold. She saw Nozomi falter and wobble. She saw her focus disappear. Her feet were moving before Eli was consciously aware of them doing so, and she arrived just in time to catch Nozomi before she hit the ground.

Holding Nozomi in her arms, Eli looked down at her in panic. Her eyes were so unfocused and it scared her.

“Nozomi?!” Eli cried, gesturing for Maki to help. Kotori was moving towards them now too.

“Eli?” Nozomi murmured quietly, half lifting a hand before it went limp as she fainted in Eli’s arms. Nico stood next to her in shock, but Maki had moved into action and Kotori was already reaching for her phone. The last thing Nozomi remembered before she passed out was that she heard Eli’s voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it is quite the cliff hanger. I'll do my best to get the next chapter to you guys quickly but I won't sacrifice quality for impatience to know what happens next. ;)
> 
> The time between chapters was longer than I intended, but I've been busy with a few other projects that I hope will be fruitful.  
> We've only got a few chapters left to go of this story, final count to be determined. But it will all wrap up satisfactorily when I'm done.
> 
> Hopefully you forgive me for this chapter. It was a lot. 
> 
> Cheers!


	15. Circling the Wagons

“Eli, I can’t check her if you won’t let me get near her,” Maki snapped at Eli, who had Nozomi limp body in a death grip. 

Eli was on the verge of losing her head in the middle of the crisis. Nozomi was out cold and Eli feared the worse. Unable to calm her thoughts she wouldn’t let go of Nozomi in the midst of her panic. Maki looked up, desperately at Nico urging her to do something. 

Coming up behind Eli, Nico calmly placed her hands on her shoulders, seeing the edge that her friend was close to teetering over.

“Eli,” Nico said softly to her friend, doing her best to remain calm in the situation, even though her insides were screaming with worry. “Do as she says, ok? Maki’s trying to help.” 

Finally, Eli gave a tearful nod and loosened her grip on Nozomi, allowing Maki to crouch closer to her and get a better look. Now that Now that she had room to do so, Maki began to put her basic medical knowledge to use. She checked Nozomi’s pulse with two fingers at her neck. Nozomi’s heart was still beating but it was beating fast. If Maki had to guess, Nozomi had just gotten too overwhelmed by the situation and her already taxed body hadn’t been able to deal well with it. She brought an ear to Nozomi’s chest and heard her breathing steadily. It was a little shallow but that was to be expected. All the while, Eli sat above her trying her best not to get in the way any more than she already had. Maki focused harder, furrowing her brow as she continued to check Nozomi’s vitals.

A choked sob from Eli brought Maki’s attention back away from Nozomi and to Eli’s eyes, which immediately began staring a worried hole into Maki’s own.

“I-is she…?” Eli gulped back the beginning of a sob.

“No, she’ll be alright. I’m pretty sure she just fainted, but we need to get her to a doctor,” Maki commented as she laid a hand on Nozomi’s forehead. It was warm, but today had been unusually warm for one of the last days of autumn. 

She looked up at Kotori whom had just hung up the phone call.. “What did my father say?”

“He said that if you thought that she didn’t need severe medical attention, like an ambulance, we should take her some place private and he’d meet us there. Luckily, he had just finishing up on a patience.”

Maki nodded. “We’ll take her back to her apartment for now. She’ll want a familiar space.”

“She’d like that,” Eli commented, her voice quiet. She was gently stroking Nozomi’s hair, making sure her bangs were out of her eyes as she rested.  The sadness on Eli’s face as she watched over Nozomi was heartbreaking. The other girls watched with soft expressions but it was Nico who broke the moment, knowing that they couldn’t continue to stand there. They were still drawing a crowd from the shrine. 

“How are we gonna get her home? We can’t exactly carry her on the train. I know she usually walks but that’s a little bit farther than I can carry her. Or any of us for that matter,” Nico reasoned. But Maki just took out her phone back from Kotori and hit speed dial. “Um, Maki, what are you doing?”

“Calling a car to come get us.” 

“What?” Nico blinked, letting her hands fall to her side in disbelief. “You have a personal car?” 

“Um...yeah. I mean, I’m rich.” Maki rested the phone between her ear and shoulder as she stood up.

“You mean we took two train connections to  _ get  _ here but you had a car we could have used the whole time?” 

“Yeah. I thought you liked taking the train so that’s why you wanted to.” Maki said sheepishly before she began to give instructions to the person on the other side of the line. 

Nico was at a loss as to how to respond, her mouth opening and closing, looking like she wanted to smack Maki upside the head. 

Kotori had gone to gather Nozomi’s things from a shrine worker who had seen what had happened. By the time she had returned with Nozomi’s clothing and bag in hand, the car had arrived. Eli had also finally found her calm as Maki flagged down the driver of the shiny black four door car. She needed to get Nozomi home so that she could get looked at by the doctor. For now, she would focus on that. 

“Can you carry her to the car, Eli?” Maki asked.

Eli nodded and scooped Nozomi up into her arms; one underneath her knees and one supporting her back. Eli hadn’t expected Nozomi to feel so lite, especially while passed out cold. But it felt as though she would blow away in her arms at a strong breeze. The frown on Eli’s face deepened and her brow furrowed further. 

“What is it?” Kotori asked as she followed closely behind Eli as the group of girls walked to the car.

“Nothing, let’s just get her home.” Eli said as she carried her to the waiting car.

\---

The door to Nozomi’s bedroom slid shut with a  _ click _ as a man with crimson hair stepped out into the main room of the small apartment. He was wearing a doctor’s coat and walked to the small dining room table and set the black leather bag he was carrying on top of it. Placing a few supplies back inside, his expression remained neutral. 

In the kitchen, Maki was leaning against the counter, chewing on her lip. Nico was next to her, steeping some tea in one of Nozomi’s small pots. When in doubt, make something calming, like tea. But her presence was enough to help to stave off the greater nerves that Maki was feeling. 

It wasn’t until the man looked into the kitchen and spoke that Maki came out of her thoughts. 

“Maki-chan?” the man asked.

“Yes, Papa?” 

Nico’s hand fell from Maki’s arm as she walked out of the kitchen to where her father was standing. She was fidgeting with her hands as she awaited what he was going to say next. She waited while he scribbled some notes on a pad of paper. She recognized it as his prescription pad. He carried it with him when he was on house calls. 

“From the looks of it, your friend lives alone. Do you know how to contact her parents?” he asked.

Maki shook her head. “No, but Eli might. She and Kotori will be back in a few minutes.” 

“Very well, we’ll wait for the other two to get back and then I want to have a talk with you all about this.”

“Will she be okay, Nishikino-san?” Nico asked, her small form emerging from the kitchen, offering a tea mug to Maki and her father. 

With a smile, Maki gratefully accepted the mug of tea from Nico. Her father followed suit as he examined the third year.

“Thank you,” He said to Nico as he took the mug of tea from her. “And yes, I think she will.” Dr. Nishikino said. 

“Are you sure we shouldn’t take her to the hospital?” Maki asked, her eyes flickering to Nozomi’s closed door. “I was worried that I made the wrong call.”

Her father looked at her and his gaze softened a bit. He could see how worried she was for her friend. It was easier being a doctor when it wasn’t someone you knew that was your patient. Perhaps if she one day followed in his footsteps into the medical industry, she would learn this. But for now, she was just a teenager who was worried for one of her only friends. He placed a hand upon her shoulder in comfort and the action drew her focus onto him.

“Don’t worry, Maki-chan. You did well,” he reassured. “And no, she won’t need to go, but we will need to go over what she does need when your other friends return.”

“Okay, Papa,” Maki nodded, sitting at the table next to Nico. 

Nico, for her part, was now sitting quietly, doing her best to not to intrude. She had never met Maki’s father before and this wasn’t exactly the circumstances she had pictured herself doing so.

“So, you’re Yazawa-san?” Maki’s father asked as he put away his prescription pad. He had ripped off the top sheet he had been writing on. 

“Yes, Sir.” Nico half squeaked. She bowed slightly in her seat. “It’s nice to officially meet you.”

“Likewise. My daughter speaks highly, and frequently, of you at home,” he smirked lightly. 

Nico seemed stunned by this revelation but Maki seemed embarrassed. 

“Papa…” Maki whined, her face as red as her hair. “I don’t talk that much about her…”

Papa Nishikino just smiled and said no more. The reactions from both girls were enough keep him entertained until the other two girls returned.

\---

In the corridor of Nozomi’s apartment building, Eli was pacing a rut into the floor while Kotori stood leaning on a nearby wall. Both girls were lost in their own thoughts.

It had been an hour since they had arrived back with Nozomi to her apartment. At first Eli had been pacing inside the small kitchen but after Nico snapping at her, Kotori had suggested that she and Eli take a walk and get some air. Even with the expanded space, Eli hadn’t been able to calm herself again. All of this had lead them to their current situation with a flustered Eli mumbling to herself like a worried Babushka. 

Eli hated waiting but the thing she hated more than waiting was being unable to control a situation she found herself in. And in this moment she was experience both of these things. It was her personal hell.  

All the while, Kotori’s eyes followed her friend’s movement as if she were watching a game of ping pong. Eli just wouldn’t stand still and it did nothing to help Kotori’s own nerves. She knew being inactive wouldn’t help Eli, either. Maybe she needed something else to focus on.

“Eli-chan,” Kotori said aloud. But Eli wouldn’t look her way. She continued her pacing.

“Eli!” Kotori tried, louder this time. Eli stopped in her tracks, her head snapping in Kotori’s direction.

“Hmm??” Eli blinked, seeming to have forgotten that Kotori was still there.

“You really need to calm down.” Kotori gently requested, holding her forehead in one hand. “You’re making me dizzy.”

“Sorry,” Eli mumbled. “I can’t just stand in there and wait. I’m just…worried.” She sighed.

Kotori stepped forward, pulling Eli into a tight hug and Eli slumped into the embrace like a rag doll. She wasn’t going to cry again. At least that’s what she kept telling herself.

“It’ll be okay. I’m worried too. We all are. But worrying by itself won’t do much good.” Kotori reasoned. “Maybe we can figure out how to help in some little way. Maki’s dad will help with the medical things. You’re good at planning. What can  _ we _ do in the meantime?”

Eli stood, not letting go of the hug. It helped comfort her and clear her mind. Kotori waited out Eli’s silence, rubbing small circles onto her back until Eli straightened up. 

Kotori watched as her friend gathered her wits about her, breathing out steadily.  

“Ok. Well, she’s not been eating much at all so we should get her some food. Her fridge was bare. We should go grocery shopping.” Eli proposed. Her thinking cap was now on. Kotori was right, planning had always been her forte. “Maybe Nico could help make her something.”

“Good, good,” clapped Kotori and smiled cheerfully. Keeping her spirits up would help Eli and the rest of the girls. “We can ask her when we go back inside. What else do you think would help? You know Nozomi-chan the best, after all.” 

Eli took a deep breath as she glanced back in the direction of Nozomi’s apartment. “Well, as you found out today, she lives by herself.”

“Mhmm…” Kotori hummed lowly. “I was surprised. She didn’t mention it to any of us. But you knew?”

“Yeah, I knew. But it took her a long while for her to tell me as well. I didn’t find out that she lived alone until halfway through our second year.” Eli frowned.

“Why so long?” 

“I think she didn’t want me to feel sorry for her. Or it was some sort of weird lingering pride from before she moved here. She always thinks she has to do things on her own. When I found out that she lived by herself, I tried to come over as often as I could. But I haven’t been able to recently because of practice for the Love Live and the end of year exams. Then there was Alisa to take care of with my family out of town. So, I imagine part of the problem with everything was that she was lonely already and feeling isolated. And then the thing happened between us and…” Eli sighed. 

“I thought I said to stop blaming yourself.” Kotori chided.

“You did but I can’t help it. I feel responsible for not paying enough attention to her.” Eli frowned. “But I guess the point is she normally feels lonely even if the stubborn ass won’t admit it.” Eli smiled fondly. “It’s why I always tried to be around. And when she’s sick she gets worse. She gets sad. So, she needs someone around to help her not be so sad and to take care of her when she is sick. And if she’s been feeling isolated and sick all this time - even if it isn’t a cold…” Eli huffed, blowing her bangs out of her face. “..then I can’t imagine the pit of self loathing she’s fallen into. This whole collapsing thing just proves it, especially after our fight or whatever you want to call it. So, I  _ think _ it would be good if one of us stayed the night. Maybe you or Nico could.”

Eli walked over and sat down against the wall next to where Kotori had been standing.

“We could, yes. But I think that you should be the one to stay, Eli-chan.”

“Kotori..” Eli pinched the bridge of her nose. “Nozomi probably doesn’t want me here. It’s already been awkward enough. I’m not gonna make her feel worse by staying the night when she doesn’t want me to.”

“Hmm. I think you’re wrong on that one. You should stay. She needs you more than ever right now. Whatever Maki’s dad is gonna tell us I think that she’s gonna need you to get through it.” Kotori placed a hand on Eli’s shoulder. 

Eli didn’t give a response. She just sat with her head on her knees. 

“Eli-chan,” Kotori leaned down a bit until she got her attention. “Trust me on this one. Even if I had a fight with Umi-chan or Honoka-chan, I would want them by my side if something like this happened. Nozomi-chan is no different. She treasures you as her closest friend. I think she’s just scared to talk to you after what happened.”

“She’s my best friend. I didn’t mean to hurt her. What if I drove her to this?” Eli’s eyes began to water. 

“I doubt that you did. But regardless you need to be here for her to take care of her because that’s what friends do. Then you can talk. You just have to be brave. For her. The Eli-chan I know always does her best, especially for people she cares about.”

“You’re right.” Eli wiped away the tears at the corners of her eyes.

“Of course I’m right,” smirked Kotori. She removed her hand from Eli’s shoulder. “Now, you should call Alisa-chan and tell her that you aren’t coming home tonight.”

“Crap, I should have been home an hour ago,” Eli pulled her phone out and began to dial the number. 

“It’s okay, she should be with Yukiho. I suggested that they hang out today because I didn’t know how it would turn out,” Kotori admitted.

“Did you think everything?” Eli blinked at her. 

“Not everything but I did plant the idea in Honoka’s head that Alisa-chan might stay the night tonight. I didn’t think of making Nozomi-chan food, though.” Kotori admitted, sheepishly. 

Eli chuckled and dialed her sister’s number to make the arrangements.

\--- 

“We’re back!” Kotori’s voice chimed as she and Eli made their way back through the front door of Nozomi’s apartment. They both slipped off their shoes and Kotori led the way back into the main room. Eli was still being very quiet but Nico thought she looked more put together. Nico could tell by the icy gaze that Eli had stuck on her face. It was her way of protecting herself while she analyzed the situation. It meant she was uncertain but still very determined. Nico had learned that much about her friend’s idiosyncrasies over the last year. So, Nico did her best to be a calming presence for her friend in what way she could.

“Tea?” Nico said, heading for the kitchen. 

Eli nodded a bit and Kotori smiled. Fixing two more mugs of tea, Nico came back into the living room just as Dr. Nishikino got off of a phone call.

“Ah, good,” Dr. Nishikino said, turning to face Eli and Kotori. “You’re back. And just in time.”

Eli’s eyes widened slightly. 

“Is she alright?” Eli asked, fearing the worst. She walked over to Nozomi’s bedroom door and quietly slid open the panel. 

“Tojo-san will be fine. She’s sleeping and probably will be for the next few hours at least. She woke up briefly when I was examining her but it was only for a moment before she went back under and I’m not even sure she knew what was going on. Dehydration will do that to a person. Why don’t we use the time that she is sleeping to go over a few things, hmm?”

Eli continued to look into Nozomi’s darkened room. She shook off fear of the dark as she watched Nozomi sleep, her chest rising and falling calmly. She thought briefly about going in to turn on the bedside lamp, but thought better of disturbing her with her presence. After a few more moments of reassuring herself that what Dr. Nishikino said was true, she closed the door and backed away. Maki thought she heard Eli say something but whatever it had been the words had escaped her hearing. 

Maki sat at the table next to Nico and offered Eli the seat next to her, gesturing to her fresh mug of tea that Nico had prepared. Eli picked up the mug, grateful for something to do with her hands while Dr. Nishikino stood next to the table. Looking at the four of them, he spoke calmly.

“First thing’s first,” Dr. Nishikino said, looking at Eli. “Do you have the phone number for Tojo-san’s parents?”

Eli nodded. “I do, in case of emergencies.”

“Good, we’ll need that. Since she’s still technically a minor I have to inform them of what has happened.”

“I understand..” Eli commented, looking into the glassy surface of her tea. Her reflection was staring meekly back at her. 

“That sounded like a ‘but’ at the end of that sentence. Is there something wrong?” Dr. Nishikino inquired. 

Eli sighed. “I don’t know that she would want to worry them. At least not like this. Can we wait until she’s awake and then figure out what she wants to do.”

“We can’t not tell them, Ayase-san. She may not want us to but we need to.” Dr. Nishikino said sternly. “It’s best for her health.”

“I know,” Eli admitted. “Perhaps I could let them know. It might be more gentle that way and they know that I’m her friend.”

Dr. Nishikino thought about this for a moment. “That is acceptable. We can discuss that when we are finished here. But for now..” The four girls sat slouched under the older man’s gaze. “Who’s going to tell me what’s been going on? From the beginning, if you don’t mind. It will help me figure out exactly what has been going on with Tojo-san and how to help to treat her.”

The four girls exchanged looks between them. Finally, Kotori spoke up. Her conscience was eating on her, anyway.

“I’ll go first,” she exhaled slowly. “It all started with a costume fitting…”

\---

Nozomi opened her eyes but the world was still as dark as it had been behind her eyelids. It was just more disorienting. At first she wasn’t sure where she was, the sensation of floating still fading away as she drifted into consciousness. She shifted slightly onto her side and blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted to the dark room. She could see the window at the foot of her bed and the familiar hangings that she had picked out to match her bedspread. A cheery lilac, but right now she felt anything but cheery.

Somehow, she had gotten home. She couldn’t remember much of what had transpired, but she faintly remembered arguing with Nico. Maki had been there. But she didn’t know what had happened after. She assumed she had left the shrine as usual after wanting to get away from the conversation with Nico and Maki. Had there been someone else there? Was there a man? She couldn’t remember. She just knew for sure that she had apparently gotten home safely.

She also knew that she felt exhausted. Her brain seemed to be pounding against the inside of her skull, making things fuzzy. She winced in pain as she shifted more to her side and faced the wall. The sky outside had looked grey, much like her mood. It wasn’t yet night time, judging by the light in the distance and she wondered momentarily if it would rain. It would certainly be apropos with how she felt.

Not wanting to think about things any further, she gave into the exhaustion. She knew it had been building inside her bones for weeks and weeks and what better way to give in than when nobody expected anything of you because you had pushed them away. So, as she tucked herself under her blanket further until her nose was barely above the edge and sleep came on quickly. 

So quickly, in fact, that Nozomi missed the sudden sliver of light that hit the wall as her bedroom door slid open. 

But somewhere in the depths of her sleep, the words ‘Sleep well, Nozomi’ managed to reach her. And her response was to tighten her grip on her blanket tightened in her sleep. 

“..Elichi…” her voice murmured as the door closed once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends and fiends,
> 
> It's been a little while, huh? My apologies. I was hit by the writer's block and the rest of life. But I'm back now and I wanted to give you the first of the last three chapters for this fanfiction. I've got them written and am finalizing the last edits after I post this chapter. You'll see them over the next week or so. Thank you for joining me on this story adventure. ^.^
> 
> <3 Icarus


	16. Helping Hands

 

“And that’s what happened today before we called you…” Nico admitted. “I didn’t mean to push her to this point I just wanted her to talk to us!” 

Maki attempted to console Nico by placing her hand on Nico’s arm and stroked lightly with her thumb. 

“It’s okay, Nico-chan. She’ll be okay in the end. She’ll understand.” Maki comforted.

Nico looked at her gratefully. Kotori sipped her tea slowly, thinking about all that had transpired while Eli sat with her head bowed, staring into the bottom of her empty mug. Dr. Nishikino watched them all, taking in their reactions. They were as he expected.

Maki looked over at her father. “Won’t she, Papa?”

Dr. Nishikino nodded as he stood leaning against the sliding glass door. “She will, Maki-chan. From what you’ve told me about her, she doesn’t seem like the kind of person to hold a grudge about something like that. And yes, as I said before she’ll be fine. She’s gonna need a bit of rest and quite a bit of care. She’s over exerted herself with exercise and her body is malnourished. The good news is that you caught her early enough before her eating disorder could do long lasting damage. She’s far underweight but she should make a full recovery if you’re willing to help her.”

“Of course we’re willing!” Eli half shouted, looking up at Dr. Nishikino. “We’re gonna fix this. We let th--”

Dr. Nishikino held up a hand to stop Eli from talking. When she had quieted, he looked directly at them all. “I have no doubt that you’ll do your best for Tojo-san. But I want to make something very clear as we go into this: None of this is any of you girls’ fault.”

By the look on their faces, they didn’t appear to believe him.

“No really,” he reiterated. “I’m serious. This isn’t your fault. I’m not certain that it is anyone’s fault to be honest.“ He sighed. “If you want to assign blame to something to make you feel better, let’s blame it on the human brain.” 

“Papa, what do you mean by ‘the human brain?’” 

“Well, it’s a little complicated and in the end it boils down to how the brain tells your body to behave depending on the signals it is sending. The human brain is built to process things. Using a series of synapsis it sends signals to the brain in response to things. Good things, bad things, thoughts, feelings, events. All of them are outside stimulators that our brain learns to process over time. When we, as humans, live in the world we are exposed to a number of those stimulators. And sometimes our brain gets derailed. It can become derailed by particularly bad events or frightening outside stressors and suddenly it doesn’t process things correctly anymore. I’m no psychiatrist but I think this is what happened to your friend,” he gestured to the room behind him where Nozomi was sleeping. “At some point, the signals in her brain started filtering the real world in a negative way, especially with regards to herself. Little things indicated to her that she was putting on too much weight. Sometimes that might have been true but the angle at which she was seeing herself against the rest of the world became unhealthy very quickly. At least if I’m reading the situation right from what you’ve told me.”

This revelation only made Eli frown more, the divot in her forehead becoming more pronounced.

“I suspect that this had been the case for a long time but it was only when she became more stressed about the costume fitting or the next μ's show and the one after that. Being in the spotlight isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s why so many professional idols will have problems. I suspect that the idea of trying to live up to the ideal that she set for herself and the ideal of the rest of you girls in the group caused the signals in her brain to go into overdrive. She began exercising more and tried to achieve a goal that wasn’t healthy. Her body frame isn’t meant to be that thin.”

Dr. Nishikino appeared to have lost the girls in part of his spiel. Nico especially was looking at him blankly, so he tried again. 

“She decided that she was overweight when she wasn’t because of all the things that her brain was telling her. She compared herself to an unrealistic ideal for her body type and then exercised too much and wasn’t eating enough. I suspect she hadn’t eaten all day judging by her blood sugar levels and the way she fainted. Maki-chan said she looked like she was dizzy when you were talking to her earlier, right?”

Nico and Maki nodded. 

“The low blood sugar is what caused the dizziness and in turn caused her to faint. Has she been dizzy any other time lately that you know of?” He looked at the group.

“She had felt light headed when she stayed at my house. I thought she was just tired but then she wasn’t eating dinner and she got sick…” Eli admitted. “I should have done something then.”

“No, I think she was doing her best to keep it from you at the time. How could you know if she didn’t tell you more of what she was feeling? She wouldn’t let you help her, am I right?” ” He asked Eli.

“Yeah, but I shoul--”

“You  _ should _ have nothing. Again, not your fault. This is all fairly typical behavior of someone with her condition. Sometimes people with eating disorders push away the people who are trying to help them because they don’t think they deserve that help, even though they desperately want to be helped and need it. It’s all pretty convoluted but that’s the way it tends to play out.”

“So how can we help her?” Kotori asked, finally. 

“Well, for now you need to help get her back on track. Talk to her, get her to eat properly. She’s lost too much weight for her height and frame so she needs to put it back on, even if she hates it at first. Make sure her exercise routine is moderate if she wants to continue working with the school idol thing. Simple answer is she needs to take better care of herself. The fatigue from running too much has taken its toll. So, if you girls can help her do that, that is the best way to start.”

“What about the long term?” Nico looked at him.

“Good question. The long term, well that’s a little more tricky.” Dr. Nishikino scratched his chin running fingers over a few stubble hairs that had grown in. Maki could tell that he had been working a few overnights recently and had forgotten to shave. “You’ll need to help her combat the mindset she’s put into place. She doesn't think she’s worth anything at the moment, so you have to believe it for her. Encourage her. Be there for her even when it is tough. Do it until she can do it for herself and then continue being her friend. She’ll need someone close to her to help do that. I know you μ's girls can do that. I’ve seen what you can do for your friends.” He glanced with a smile at Maki, who blushed deeply. 

“Papa…” she whined.

“We do have a good effect on people,” Nico smirked and nudged Maki lightly. 

The other girls smile, all except Eli.  “But it will be enough?” she asked Dr. Nishikino.

“It will have to be,” he answered simply. “If you care for your friend then you will help her. And I don’t see you as being the kind of person that thinks failure is an option, Ayase-san.” 

Eli nodded dutifully. “I’ll see to it that she gets better.”

“We all will.” Kotori added. So did Nico and Maki.

“What about the rest of μ's?” Nico asked looking at her friends. “Should we tell them what’s going on?”

“I think we should wait until Nozomi is ready to tell them on her own. Too much pressure wouldn’t help her right now,” Maki advised. “We’ll tell her that she is sick for now and they can still come give her well wishes if she feels up to it.”

“Good idea.” Dr. Nishikino beamed proudly at them. “You’re formulating good plans already. The last thing I ask is that someone stays with her since she lives alone. Who’ll do that?”

Everyone looked at Eli but she was already nodding. 

“I will.” 

“Alright,” Dr. Nishikino removed a few slips of paper from his coat and handed them to Eli. “I’ll go over simply dietary needs for her as well as instructions. I’ve prescribed an antidepressant for her and some vitamins as well. I’ve made notes on some nutritional supplements you can pick up at the pharmacy that will also help her get back to normal. You’ll need to pick those up as well as get some groceries since she only has rice and tea in her kitchen.”

“Got it,” Eli said as she looked over the paper that was handed to her.

“Also, make sure she doesn’t do any excessive exercise.”

“What about μ's? When can she come back to practice? I hate to think of μ's without Nozomi.” Nico frowned.

“At least a week. But I’ll come check on her before then and make the call. Even then it will have to be light activity at first. Deal?”

“Deal.” Nico agreed.

“I need to head to another call. Maki-chan, will I see you at home later?” Dr. Nishikino asked as he picked up his bag.

“I don’t know yet, Papa. I’ll let you know?” Maki asked, shyly. 

He nodded. “I’ll talk to you soon, then. Goodnight everyone.” 

Dr. Nishikino exited the apartment leaving the girls alone. 

Kotori was the first to speak. “We should pick up this stuff, huh?” 

The others nodded. Eli was still going over the list. 

“Eli-chan’s gonna stay the night. Alisa-chan is taken care of as she is staying with Yukiho-chan for now,” Kotori explained. “We should go shopping, get the medicine and groceries. Nico-chan will you be willing to help Eli-chan make soup and some other stuff for Nozomi-chan when she wakes up?” 

“Sure,” Nico tried to smile confidently, drowning out her worry. In truth it felt good to be able to do  _ something _ . “Nico-ni is the number one cook in the universe too!” 

Kotori giggled. Maki rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah, we know. But what can I do?” Maki asked, nervously. “I want to help.” 

“Hmm..” Kotori thought about it for a moment. “You can stay here until we get back and help tidy up the place before we get back.”

“But what if she wakes up?” Maki looked panicked. “What do I do if I’m all alone with her?” Maki never was terribly good were people and emotions were concerned. She had used up all of her reserves earlier in the day when Nozomi had fainted trying to keep Eli calm.

Nico sighed. “Kotori-chan, why don’t you stay here and tidy the kitchen and stuff and Maki-chan can come with us. She can pay.” Nico smirked. 

Maki began to protest but Eli stood up suddenly. 

“That’s a good plan. I need to stop at home and get clothes too.” Eli said, placing the paper in her pocket. “I’ll run home and get my stuff then go to the pharmacy. I’ll meet you two at the supermarket?”

Nico and Maki nodded. Kotori smiled and clapped her hands lightly. “All set then. I’ll see you when you return, then!”

Nico, Maki and Eli all headed out the door, but not before Eli had told Kotori to call her the minute Nozomi woke up if she did before they returned. Kotori nodded and ushered them out, the door closing behind them with a sharp  _ click _ .

Once the apartment was quiet again, Kotori checked on Nozomi once more but her friend was still sleeping soundly. Kotori, who was worn out from staying positive all day, was grateful to have a moment to herself away from everyone else. She slid the bedroom door shut and went back into the kitchen. But before she could decide where to start cleaning, entirety of the events of the day hit her with full force. Sinking to the floor, she felt the tears she had been holding back all day finally begin to fall. 

\---

It was over an hour later when Nozomi stirred from her sleep once more. Rolling onto her side, she spent the next few minutes gazing out of the window and into her darkened neighborhood. Her consciousness slowly returning in full as she struggled to parse the details of what she was seeing amidst the feeling of the throbbing pain from her ever present headache. She felt dizzy from the pain and also weak from not having eaten. But on top of that her sleep had been disorienting. She wasn’t sure if her nap had done any good for her body. She still felt so very tired. 

Sighing, she rolled onto her back and realized, for the first time, that the lamp in her bedroom was on. She squinted at the sudden brightness and closed her eyes. Confusion settling in as she didn’t remember leaving it on. 

“The room was dark earlier, wasn’t it?” Nozomi asked aloud and to no one in particular.

“It was, yes,” a voice came from beside her bed. 

Nozomi turned her head quickly to face the source of the voice, her gaze landing on Kotori whom was sitting in a chair not too far from her bed. She appeared to have something in her hands that she was working on. Yarn, perhaps.

“K-kotori?” Nozomi asked, still unsure what exactly what was going on. “ W-hat are you doing in my bedroom?”

“Just knitting.” Kotori held up an object that appeared to be a hat. “But other than that making sure you’re okay. I’m glad you’re awake. You’ve been asleep for a little while.”

“Have I?” Nozomi asked quietly. She felt embarrassed, especially since she clearly didn’t know the full story. She sat up carefully, but she still felt dizzy. She wondered if that feeling ever go away.

“You have. You fainted,” Kotori set her knitting aside and stood up. She walked over to Nozomi’s bed and sat on the edge. Nozomi’s expression gave away her confusion. “Don’t you remember?” 

Nozomi shook her head and immediately regretted the action. She hissed lightly and clutched her head in one hand.

“Does your head hurt?” 

“Yeah, sorry. I don’t remember much. I just feel really tired.” 

“It’s alright. We can fill you in.” Kotori said, standing up and going over to the door. 

“We?” Nozomi asked but Kotori had stepped into the living room. From beyond the doorway, the sound of a trio of familiar voices wafted into the room as Kotori exited. Nozomi thought she heard Eli but that couldn’t be right.

After a few minutes, Kotori returned and handed Nozomi a glass of water and a few aspirin. 

“Drink up. The doctor said you might be dehydrated.” 

“Doctor?” Nozomi blinked. Had it been that bad?

“Yes, Doctor. I called Papa to come take a look at you after we brought you back to your apartment.” 

Looking up, Nozomi saw Maki standing in the door. Her arms were crossed as if she were annoyed but her eyes told a much different story. She was worried.

“You fainted, we didn’t know what was wrong,” she admitted, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. “So, I called him to check up on you.” 

“Oh, good. Tits is finally awake,” harumphed Nico who had appeared next to Maki in the doorway. She looked surly for sure, but just like Maki, she was also genuinely concerned. She was wearing an apron and her sleeves were rolled up. Nozomi thought she could smell something cooking in the kitchen. The smell had wafted into the room with Nico. 

“And Maki’s right, we had to do something. You gave us quite a scare, Tits. Luckily you didn’t need the hospital. But that doesn’t mean you weren’t in bad shape.” Nico walked further into the room.

Nozomi couldn’t fully comprehend what they were saying. A doctor? Worried? A scare? 

“W-what, um, what happened?” Nozomi asked, timidly. But she was sure she wouldn’t like the answer.

Nico shared a look with the other two girls. Nodding, Kotori turned to Nozomi. 

“Well, we’ve been worried, Nozomi-chan,” Kotori began, doing her best to speak calmly and without judgement. “You’ve been avoiding most of us lately. And we wanted to talk to you about it.”

“Because you haven’t been smiling, especially the last few weeks.” Maki interrupted. “You ran away every time we tried to talk to you about what was wrong.”

“So, we made a plan and then tracked you down at the shrine this morning. But when we finally got an opportunity to talk to you, it turned into a fight and then, well, you fainted.” Nico looked guiltily down at her feet.

“Nozomi, we just want to help. We didn’t mean to stress you more but…” Maki said as she leaned against the door. 

“...we couldn’t stand by and watch you hurt yourself,” Kotori put a hand on Nozomi’s arm, her eyes moved in the direction of the kitchen. “None of us could.”

Nozomi looked down at the glass of water in her hand and said nothing. Things were slowly coming back to her as her friends recounted the tale. She remembered Nico and Maki coming to the shrine. Their fight. The yelling. Then that dizzy feeling. Then falling. Then...Eli’s eyes. So blue and intense as the light faded and Nozomi fell unconscious. Nozomi remembered that Eli had been holding her. 

Daring to look up, Nozomi saw the faces of her friends. She didn’t mean for any of it to turn out like this. 

Kotori was sitting back on the edge of the bed once more, but beyond her bedroom door, Nozomi could see a familiar blonde ponytail moving around as someone else worked in her kitchen. The next moment, her turquoise eyes met the same blue ones that she had seen before she passed. Eli and Nozomi locked onto each other and a host of feelings passed between the two girls. 

Confusion and hurt came swirling back to Nozomi in that moment.The diet, avoiding Eli, the  _ kiss _ , and everything else that had gone wrong. And it was all her fault. She looked away and stared guiltily back at the glass of water in her hands. 

“I...I don’t know what to say,” Nozomi admitted. She could feel the familiar sting of tears pressing against her eyes. “I’m sorry.” Nozomi furrowed her eyebrows, her expression showing her inner grief as the pain from her headache starting taking over again.

“You should take the aspirin,” Kotori coaxed softly from beside her.  It was unlike Nozomi’s emotions to be so visible. “It’ll help you feel better.”

Nozomi nodded and took the medicine, chasing it with plenty of the water in the glass. She found herself far more thirsty than she expected and soon it was all gone. 

Kotori smiled at her and reached for Nozomi’s empty glass. 

“Stay right here. I’ll go get Eli. We need to talk more about what happened. And I know she’ll want to be here for it and I’ll get you some more water too.” 

Nozomi nodded, doing her best to avoid Nico’s scrutinizing gaze and Maki’s silent awkwardness. The room fell into awkward small talk over how she was now feeling. Nozomi thought that the other two girls were stalling but it could just be here headache. She hoped the aspirin would kick in soon. She was starting to feel dizzy again. But that might just be the overwhelming idea of talking directly to Eli so soon.

\---

When Kotori entered the kitchen, Eli’s cheeks were still flushed with color from the brief moment of eye contact with Nozomi. Eli was doing her best to distract herself from the thoughts that had filled her mind by trying to make busy work out of checking the soup for the umpteenth time. 

“Eli-chan,” Kotori said softly. “She’s awake.”

“I saw.” Eli gripped the spoon tightly as she replied. She was still nervous at the prospect of facing her.

Kotori stepped forward and placed her hand on top of Eli’s, stopping her from stirring the soup more. “I think the soup is done.”

“I know.” Eli swallowed. She set down the spoon finally. 

“Come on, you should go in and see her. We should all talk to her together.”

“I want to, I’m just…”

“Scared. I know.” Kotori said. “But you can do it. Why don’t you bring her some of the soup? That will make it less awkward. We’ll take the lead on the conversation, okay?”

Eli chewed on the corner of her lip for a moment before nodding. She pulled a bowl down from the cabinet. “Alright,” she took a deep breath. “I’ll get the food ready and I’ll be in after a moment.”

Kotori smiled and nodded before refilling the glass in her hand with water and heading back to the bedroom.

\---

Eli knocked lightly on the frame of the door before she entered Nozomi’s bedroom. Carrying a tray of soup and bread, as well as a cup of tea, Eli walked across the room towards the bed. Kotori had moved from her earlier position and down to the foot of the bed while Maki had taken up the seat next to Nozomi. 

When she got close enough, Eli could see that Maki had a stuffed raccoon and was holding out, shyly, to Nozomi.

“H-his name is stripes,” Maki explained as though this information was very important. “He likes to eat leaves and he likes to take shiny things, like watches or hair barrettes. I saw him in the shop and he looked like he needed a home. I thought he could take care of you until you’re feeling better.”

Maki’s voice had gotten very quiet. It had a childish tone about it but Eli thought it was endearing. She watched as the redhead offered the raccoon toy to Nozomi once more. Nozomi took it, cradling it in her hands for a moment before tucking it into bed next to her. Nico was pretending not to watch the scene play out, but she couldn’t help the smile that was spreading across her face. It was far too adorable even with the tense atmosphere.

“Thank you, Maki-chan.” Nozomi said, attempting a small smile for her thoughtful friend.

“It was nothing,” Maki said, twirling her hair strand awkwardly again. 

Eli cleared her throat, causing both Maki and Nozomi to jump slightly. Maki scurried out of the way so that Eli could set the tray of food over Nozomi’s lap.

As Nozomi looked up at her, Eli couldn’t help but holding her gaze. Her throat felt dry but she managed to croak out a sentence.

“We, um, made soup,” Eli said, quietly and tested the waters with a small smile. “Nico and I. I hope you like it.”

Nozomi nodded and then looked at the food. It smelled good but part of her felt sick at the idea of eating, especially in front of her friends. The familiar fear that she had developed of food over the last few months crept to the surface and she knew that she hadn’t given herself the luxury of this much food in a while. She was scared to eat it. The voice in her head was telling her not to eat it or she would get fat. 

After several long minutes, Nico couldn’t take the awkward silence any more. 

“Nico made it special for you, so you better eat up, Tits.” Nico said brashly from her seat near Maki and the window. 

“Thank you, but I’m not really hungr--” Nozomi started to scoot the tray away from her.

“Bullshit.” Maki said, without hesitating. The rest of the girls looked surprised, they weren’t expecting that sort of comment from Maki. Maki looked immediately embarrassed. 

“I mean,” she cleared her throat and looked at Nozomi. “That can’t be true. Nozomi, we know you haven’t been eating. There wasn’t any food in your kitchen or your fridge. Your coloring has been bad too because you’ve been making yourself sick from not eating. There is no way you can’t be hungry. And besides,  Papa said you need to start taking regular meals again.”

“Yeah,” chimed in Nico. “He’s a doctor so you need to listen to him.”

“And you’ve lost too much weight, Nozomi-chan,” Kotori added, her smile attempting to be reassuring but even Kotori’s friendly mask showed massive concern. “Your costumes aren’t fitting properly and neither are any of your uniforms.”

“And,” began Eli, feeling brave enough to speak up. “You’ve gotten worse and worse recently.” The worry in her voice was barely contained. “You can’t keep exercising until you hurt yourself. Especially if you aren’t eating properly. I..we just want you to take care of yourself.”

Nozomi swallowed a lump in her throat as she listened to her friends comments, but she still kept telling herself that what she had been doing to her wasn’t that bad. They didn’t understand. It wasn’t that bad. She would convince them too. She’d never meant to worry them. She must truly be an awful friend. 

‘ _ But it isn’t that bad, _ ’ Nozomi thought to herself as she forced a smile onto her face, attempting to put her mask back into place.

“Thank you for worrying about me, but I’m fine, really. It’s just a little exercise. I got a little light headed today that was all. And I haven’t had time to go grocery shopping yet this week.  μ's practice has been so busy, after all.”

“Again, bullshit.” Nico said it this time.

“I wouldn’t use that language,” Kotori glared at Nico and Maki by extension. “But I agree with both Nico-chan and Maki-chan. I would have agreed even before Maki’s father examined you after you fainted, but now I can’t help say that things are a lot worse than you want us to think, Nozomi-chan.”

Kotori leaned forward in her seat a bit, looking right at Nozomi. “Listen, we care about you. We’ve seen you hurting. And we don’t want you to go through this alone.”

“Yeah, whatever stupid idea,” Nico said and Maki glared at her. She rolled her eyes before correcting herself. “I mean, whatever idea you’ve got in your head about your body or how much food you should or shouldn’t eat needs to go.”

“You don’t underst---” Nozomi looked over at Nico, her smile faltering again. It took so much energy to keep this act up. She felt it cracking again.

“We do, though.” Eli said, causing Nozomi to turn to her. “You think you’re fat. But you aren’t. You’ve never been fat. You’ve always been...well, beautiful.”

Nozomi stopped talking. She didn’t know what to think of that comment. Eli looked at her seriously. 

‘ _ How can she say that with a straight face? _ ’ Nozomi thought.

“You’re the most mature out of all of us.” Nico admitted, even though she hated it. “You’ve got huge boobs. You’re curvy So what, tits? It looks good and it is what you look like. It’s part of your look.”

“But I look so different than the rest of you. I need to work extra hard to keep up especially because we’re idols,” Nozomi protested again.

“Nozomi,” Maki looked her square in the face. “No. You don’t.”

Nozomi looked between all of them. She was waiting for the joke to land. But it never did. They were all quite serious.

“You looked fine the way you where. You’re pretty and mature looking and all of us have, at one point or another been jealous of your curves.” Maki continued, awkwardly. “You’re hot.” She blushed a crimson the color of her hair.

“Really?” Nozomi blinked, not believing that. 

“Yes.” All of the girls said together. 

_ ‘They’re just saying that,’ _ the ugly voice inside Nozomi’s head said. She gritted her teeth as it got louder. ‘ _ You’re so ugly and fat. They’re just being kind. But they’re wasting their time…’ _

Nozomi closed her eyes tightly as the wave of self deprecation crashed over her, causing her to pull back into herself. She shook her head. 

“I don’t understand why…” Nozomi whispered. 

“Nozomi,” Eli said, feeling brave. She hated seeing her best friend like this. “We aren’t lying. You looked fine before. But right now you are so sick. If you want to be healthier and do more exercise in order to feel better and have more energy, we can help with that. We can work things out in an appropriate way. But this isn’t healthy.”

“Papa says you have an eating disorder,” Maki said. “That you’ve developed an unhealthy relationship to food.” 

Nico nodded. “All we want is for you to be healthy and happy. But clearly you are either right now, especially with treating yourself this way.” 

Eli nodded. “We know this because we’ve all noticed what’s been happening to you as you withdraw. Maki knew your coloring was off. Kotori helped you get dressed before shows and saw how thin you’ve gotten. And it’s really bad for your body. Starving yourself isn’t helping. You won’t even look at me anymore and maybe that’s my fault. But please, right now, let us help?”

“That’s all we want,” Kotori nodded. “We care about you, Nozomi.”

Nico and Maki waited close by but Nozomi could feel their shared energy urging her to make a change. But could she change? Or was she in too deep? Nozomi felt exhausted, even after sleeping for hours on end. She didn’t want to keep living like this, but what choice did she have? Would it really be as easy as they made it seem to turn things around? Was it too late? 

Nozomi sat, paralyzed by her thoughts. She wanted to let them help her. Would it be so bad to give in, admit her mistakes? Let her friends help her out of the hole she had dug for herself? Her pride was fighting against it and so were her volatile thoughts, which were getting louder and louder by the second. She shut her eyes against the noise. 

_ ‘ _ _'You’re a **terrible** friend.’_

_'They **pity** you.’_

_'You made them worry. But for what? For **nothing**.’_

_'You’re **ugly**.’_

_'You’re **fat**.’_

_' **You’re worthless.** ’_

The bed next to her shifted under the weight of someone sitting next to her. Nozomi almost didn’t notice it but she couldn’t ignore it when she felt someone gently take her hand.

“Nozomi, look at me.” Eli bent her head, trying to catch Nozomi’s line of sight. Finally, Nozomi opened her eyes and looked in her direction. The vacancy in her eyes made Eli frown even more. She looked so lost. “Where are you right now?”

Nozomi didn’t respond. She didn’t know how to respond.

“Nozomi, focus on my voice and take a few deep breaths with me, okay?” Eli started to take deep, calming breaths in and out. After a moment, Nozomi began to join her as she grounded herself in Eli’s presence. Eli squeezed her hand a little tighter. Nozomi’s eyes seemed more lively. 

“There you are. I found you.” Eli smiled softly, holding her gaze.

Nozomi wanted to let everything go. She wanted to rest. And with her friends around her, she made up her mind to let it all go. The tears that poured from her eyes came in a rush, like a river’s flow after a dam had burst upstream. 

Nozomi began sobbing, burying her face in her hands. “I’m just so tired all the time but...I just kept pushing...I hate myself so much...”

Kotori removed the tray of food as Eli scooted in closer and wrapped her arms around Nozomi, attempting to comfort her. 

“I know, but that’s not the Nozomi, I know. You love so many things in this world. You are  _ loved _ by so many more people than you know or give yourself credit for. You shouldn’t hate yourself. We all love you so let us show you that so that you can love you too.” Eli smoothed the hair on Nozomi’s head, her hand moving steadily. Nozomi only seemed to cry harder at these words. “Ssshhh. Ssshhh. It’s alright. We’re here. Let it out.”

Nico leaned into Maki’s side. She felt helpless at the sight of her friend hurting so much. Maki knew how she felt. She placed her arm around Nico. Kotori sat at the foot of the bed, holding the tray of food and waited. Nozomi needed this cry, that much was apparent, and Eli needed to be the one to comfort her while she did it. 

It was several minutes before Nozomi’s sobbing petered off into sniffles and shallow breathing. 

“Deep breaths again,” Eli said quietly as she waited for Nozomi to copy her breathing. Once she had, Eli squeezed her tightly in the hug. “Good. Feel better?”

Nozomi nodded weakly. She looked even more exhausted than before.

“I...I don’t know how to stop…” Nozomi admitted. Her voice as quiet as a mouse. “The voice in my head is always so loud.”

“Then we’ll help you.” Eli said, calmly, rubbing  her hand on Nozomi’s back. “Won’t we?”

Maki, Kotori and Nico all nodded. 

“The great Nico-Nii will just have to be louder than that stupid voice. She will tell you how great you are every minute of every day if she needs to.”

“I will too!” Kotori beamed at her. “And we’ll help you work the rest of it out. We’ll make a plan for everything.”

“Does...does everyone in μ's know?” Nozomi asked, suddenly thinking about it. “I hope I haven’t made everyone worry…”

“No, only we know what’s been going on. But I’m sure they noticed the distant behavior at least. We didn’t tell them because that’s your business to tell them if you want to. If you did, I’m sure they would help as well. We love you,” Maki said, blushing slightly before she added. “They all love you too.”

“I don’t know if I’ll tell them, yet. It’s been a long day,” Nozomi admitted, now returning to her sitting position against her pillow. Eli had let her go but she kept her eyes on her. 

“We understand. You should eat and then get some rest.” Kotori set the tray back in front of Nozomi.

Nozomi hesitated as the other girls looked at her. Her hand unsteadily reached for the soup bowl. She did her best to calm them before the warm liquid to her lips and sipping. As the warmth and flavor of the broth hit her tongue she realized just how hungry she was. The soup filled a hole in her body that hadn’t been filled properly in weeks. It beat back the pang inside her as she took slow sip after slow sip of the soup. It warmed her chest as she drank it and the flavors were subtle but developed. Nozomi never did give Nico enough credit when it came to her cooking. Nico was an amazing cook. And the thought that Eli had made it as well made the soup all the more satisfying. She let herself savor the moment.

However, Nozomi was reminded by that fact that she still needed to fix what had happened between her and Eli. She did her best to hide her frown as she looked at Eli but she wasn’t quick enough. 

“Soup no good?” Eli, of course, had noticed the frown. Nico too, raised an eyebrow. She would take offense to dislike of her culinary creation, of course.

“No, it’s delicious. My stomach is just a little uneasy. I haven’t eaten in awhile.” Nozomi deflected as her gaze fell back onto her soup bowl. It wasn’t a total lie. She hadn’t eaten since the day before. 

“It’s alright. Just sip slowly. No need to rush.” Eli smiled at her. 

“Yeah, we’ll be here when you finish,” Nico said simply. Kotori, Eli, and Maki all nodded in agreement. 

“We’re not going anywhere.” Kotori added.

Nozomi felt herself tearing up again. She nodded and let herself believe that they really meant what she said. The voice in the back of her head could be quiet for a few minutes. 

It owed her that much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost at the end, my friends. I hope you're enjoying it. One more chapter to go and then an Omake. :)
> 
> <3 Icarus


	17. Heart to Heart

After seeing to it that Nozomi had eaten, Nico and Maki needed to head home because it had gotten so late. Nico, however, was still fussing over her friend.

“There will be plenty of leftover soup if you’re feeling sick and need something soothing,” Nico explained. “There are also ingredients for simple things and one more premade meal that Eli and I stored in the freezer. All you have to do is heat it up.” Nico placed another blanket from Nozomi’s closet on her bed. Maki stood near the doorway, quietly watching.

“It’s supposed to get cold out tonight so try to stay warm. This will help.” 

Nozomi thought Nico looked a bit like a mother hen as she fussed over the last minute details before she left.  

“We’ll come by tomorrow and talk more about the plan, okay?” Nico looked sternly at Nozomi and she couldn’t help but smile sheepishly as she nodded. The attention felt nice for a change.

“Okay, Nicocchi. Thank you.” Nozomi said, quietly. 

Nico leaned over and pulled her into a tight hug. Nozomi was caught a bit off guard but she quickly placed her arms around Nico’s small torso. 

“Anytime,” Nico murmured into the hug. “Just stay safe for now, okay?

Nozomi nodded tearfully into her friend’s shoulder.

“The car is here,” came Maki’s voice from near the door. Her phone had just beeped. “We should go.”

Nico stood back up and nodded. 

“Alright, time to go home now that the great Nico-Nii’s job is done here. But fear not for I shall return tomorrow. Nico-Nico-Nii!!” Nico used her infamous idol pose to cover up her more vulnerable feelings. 

Nozomi laughed softly and the Nico found the sound glorious. She had done her job as an idol. She made her friend smile.

Maki rolled her eyes but smiled as well as Nico exited the room. But before she left the room, Maki  looked back at Nozomi. “We’ll see you tomorrow, Nozomi. Get plenty of rest, okay? And take care of Stripes.”

Maki looked very serious, which made Nozomi feel like laughing. The concern, however, was welcome.

“Okay, I got it. Stripes will be well taken care of. Goodnight, Maki-chan. Thanks again.” 

Once Maki was satisfied with that answer, she and Nico headed out of the room. Eli followed them without a word. Kotori smiled at them before coming over to give Nozomi a hug of her own. 

Nozomi was feeling very overwhelmed by all of the contact that day. She’d long since run out of words. But Kotori understood and just squeezed her tightly. “I’ve got to go too. But I’ll be back tomorrow too, if you like, okay?” 

“Okay, Kotori-chan. Be careful getting home.”

“I will. Umi-chan is coming to walk me back.”

“Oh, that’s good.” Nozomi said. “You won’t tell her about this, will you?” The hesitation was evident in her voice. 

Kotori shook her head. “Not until you’re ready. But we’ll talk about that later. Goodnight.”

When Kotori left the room, Nozomi let herself sink down into her pillows. The sound of the front door closing echoed in Nozomi's mind and the events of the day came creeping back into her mind.

Her friends were kind; there was no doubting that. They had gone out of their way to try and help her and pull her out of her misery. But how would she be able to repay them?

She thought about Nico and Kotori’s faces as they fought their hardest to make her believe that she was worth something. Maki’s uncertain look as she did her best to be supportive while she worried for Nozomi’s safety. Nozomi had no doubt that the new found dragon hoard of groceries in her kitchen had been paid for by Maki’s trust fund, not to mention the home visit from her doctor of a father. That sort of thing wasn’t cheap.

And then there was Eli. Eli had been so caring, so important. Her presence had grounded Nozomi when she felt like she would tumble off the edge of the world. Her voice had chased off the volatile voice inside of Nozomi’s head. But Nozomi wondered if she even deserved someone like Eli caring for her. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t worthy enough to be loved, even as a friend, by Eli - if she even still felt that way and didn’t pity her now. Nozomi had noticed that when everyone else had left that Eli hadn’t even said said goodbye. Perhaps there was still a rift between the two of them. Perhaps Eli was still having trouble after what Nozomi had done; after she had selfishly kissed her. Nozomi could feel the sadness and guilt wash over her once more. 

She was alone now. The weight of her feelings became unbearable as she laid down and tugged the blanket up to her chin. She clutched the little raccoon plushie tightly She felt the tears begin to fall again. She was so tired of crying but she couldn’t stop them.

“Nozomi, Dr. Nishikino said that you need to start taking these. There’s an antidepressant to help lift your mood and then another supplement to help with gaining more nutrition so you can get healthy again.” 

Eli made her way back into the room, carrying two bottles of pills in her hand. “And I’ve also got some vitamins he recommended, but those can wait until tomorrow if you like.” Eli stopped talking when she looked up and saw Nozomi crying under the covers. 

Setting down the pills on the nightstand, Eli sat on the bed next to her. She reached out a hand and began stroking Nozomi’s hair. 

“Hey, now. Don’t cry.” Eli cooed softly.

Nozomi blinked up at Eli. Her surprise evident through her tears.

“Elichi…” she sniffled, trying to regain her composure. “W-what are you doing here? I thought you left.”

“Of course I didn’t leave, silly.” Eli frowned. “You’re not feeling well. I’m not gonna leave you alone if you’re sick. I always promise that, remember?”

Nozomi nodded as continued to lay there. She did remember. She had cherished that promise. Her silence pressed Eli to speak again.

“Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” Eli tested the waters. “I’m all ears.”

Nozomi tugged the blanket higher. She wished that she could escape this moment. She didn’t deserve Eli’s care. She had been so horrible. But as much as she wanted to punish herself by pushing Eli away she simply didn’t have the energy. So, instead, she held onto her silence and lay there staring at Stripes the raccoon.

Eli waited for a few minutes before speaking again. “Well, if you don’t feel like talking, how about we do something else?” 

“S-shouldn’t you head home?” Nozomi asked quietly. “Alisa will be--”

“No, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Alisa is staying at Yukiko's tonight. I wanted to stay the night so no need to worry.”

Nozomi’s heart lept from the depths of the darkness it had been sitting in. 

_ ‘I won’t be alone. _ ’ She thought as her face heated up.

“Are you feeling bad again?” Eli asked. She took Nozomi’s face and leaned forward, touching her forehead to her own to test her temperature. This only caused Nozomi’s face to burn hotter. Nozomi didn’t know how to act, especially after everything. Was this even okay?

_ ‘Eli is being kind and must be pretending that it didn’t happen,’  _ Nozomi thought with a sad smile. 

“You are a pretty warm. I hope you aren’t also catching a cold. Does your head still hurt?” 

“Not much anymore.” Nozomi admitted. 

“That’s good. How about a bath, then? You’ll feel a little better if you get cleaned up before you go to bed.” Eli smiled at her. “Now sit up and I’ll go run the water for you.”

Eli gave Nozomi’s hand a pat before she withdrew from her and headed into the small bathroom to complete her task. 

Nozomi did as she was told and sat up, wondering if she should breach the subject of what had happened herself. 

_ ‘No,’ _ she thought.  _ ‘Not right now.’ _

She just wanted to pretend like nothing was wrong, so she decided to get ready for her bath. Standing up, she still felt the hint of dizziness so she tried to steady herself. The food had helped with the dizzy feeling but she still felt off balance. Unfortunately, Eli had reentered the room at that exact moment and had seen her stumble. 

“You’re having trouble standing? Do you need help getting clean?” Eli asked, moving to her side. 

Nozomi blushed and shook her head. “I’ll be fine. Just tired.” 

Eli looked at her skeptically but she nodded. “Alright, but I’m right out here if you need help.”

Nozomi nodded and sheepishly made her way to the bathroom with Eli’s help.

\---

Kotori had been sitting in the park nearby Nozomi’s apartment for a good ten minutes before Umi arrived. 

“Kotori?” Umi approached quietly, she had spotted her from a ways off. “I thought I was meeting you over at Nozomi’s place? What are you doing out here by yourself?” 

Kotori turned her head away from Umi, wiping a few tears from her eyes. She never did like anyone seeing her cry. “Hi, Umi-chan.” Kotori attempted a bright smile but Umi could see the glassiness of her eyes. 

“Kotori, what’s wrong?” Umi said, and hurried towards the bench. She sat down beside her. 

Kotori shook her head. “It’s nothing.”

“It can’t be nothing. Kotori, you hardly ever cry.” Umi reached for Kotori’s hand and rubbed her thumb over the back of it. “Did something happen at Nozomi’s?”

Kotori shook her head.

“Tell me, please.” Umi asked again.

“I can’t. Not yet. But it has been a long day.” Kotori smiled softly and sniffled a bit. The weather was turning colder. It was the end of autumn after all. 

Umi took off her coat and wrapped it around Kotori’s shoulders. “Well, if you can’t tell me, I understand, but you know I hate seeing you sad.”

Kotori nodded but stayed quiet. 

“C’mon, let’s get you home before it gets colder, alright? I’ll walk you.” Umi stood up, gently tugging Kotori up with her. 

Kotori stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Umi in a tight hug. Umi froze momentarily.

“K-kotori?” 

“Thank you for coming to walk me home. Umi-chan is so kind. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Or Honoka-chan.” Kotori laid her head against Umi’s shoulder. 

Umi didn’t know what had happened but the way Kotori was acting was so different than normal. She quickly enveloped her with her arms, returning the hug. 

“Whatever it is, Kotori. I’ll help. You know that. So, please no more crying.”

“I won’t. Things are getting better already anyhow. I’ll be alright.”

“Well, if you say so. C’mon, stay near me,” Umi smiled down at Kotori who nodded happily. “I’ll take you home.”

\---

Nozomi sat on her bed as she finished drying her hair. When she had gotten out of the bath, she discovered that Eli had set out a clean pair of pajamas for her and she had changed into them.They where made of a soft lavender off cotton that Nozomi enjoyed very much and Eli knew it. 

When the last of her hair was dry, Nozomi shut off the hair dryer and set it back onto her dresser before sitting quietly among her bedsheets. She was drawn out of her thoughts by a knock on the door.

“Come in.” Nozomi said. She was glad that the bath had had a calming effect on her and her voice felt more normal now. 

The door slid open. Eli had also changed into her nightdress, her feet clad in light blue socks as she stepped inside the room. 

“Feeling any better?” Eli asked as she brought in with her a glass of water and handed it to Nozomi.

“Mhm, much better. Thank you.” Nozomi gave Eli a muted smile. 

“I’m glad,” beamed Eli. She began to unscrew the caps from the pill bottles she had brought in earlier and handed a few from each to Nozomi. “Here, take these.” 

Nozomi did as she was told and then chased the pills with a large drink of water before handing the glass back to Eli. 

“They taste awful.” Nozomi commented making a sour face.

“Well, that’s why you swallow them, silly.” Eli chuckled. “You’ll get used to them. As long as they help, it shouldn’t matter what they taste like, right?”

Nozomi had to give her that. She shrugged. “I guess so.”

“Well, I know so. Now, it’s time for sleep. Luckily we don’t have school tomorrow so you can sleep as long as you need to.”

“What about  μ's  rehearsal? Didn’t Umi-chan schedule one for tomorrow?” Nozomi asked. She had yet to miss a rehearsal and neither had Eli since they had joined the group. “We have to meet them early…”

Eli held up a hand. “No, we don’t. We’re concentrating on getting you better for a few days. Rehearsal isn’t important.”

“But what about the Love Live?” Nozomi raised her eyebrows, looking surprised. “We have to practice for that if we’re going to win.”

“We do, and we will. But like I said,” Eli said as she gently herded Nozomi more fully onto her bed. “You’re going to get better first. You’ve been exerting yourself too much so we’re gonna take it easy tomorrow. The worst that I’ll make you do is your math homework.” Eli winked. 

Nozomi could feel her heart flutter. But she was worried about one thing after all of the talk about Nozomi over exerting herself. 

“I’m not gonna have to quit  μ's , am I?” Nozomi asked as Eli placed the blanket over her.

“Not unless you want to. But we need to approach your training differently going forward. It’s probably a good thing to look at for everyone else as well. Not just for you. No idol contest is worth risking your health for.” Eli tucked the blanket around Nozomi as she sat against the headboard. “So, we’ll make some good changes. You’ll see. It’ll all be for the best.”

“Ok,” she conceded. 

“Good girl,” Eli smiled. “Now, it’s time for sleep. And no sneaking out for your morning run.” She eyed Nozomi as she read her mind. 

Nozomi shrunk a bit under the look she gave her. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

She had been thinking about continuing with her routine in order to quiet the remains of the voice in her head but under Eli’s watch she didn’t stand a chance. Breaking habits were difficult and Nozomi had already been thinking about her morning run now that she felt a little better. But Eli wouldn’t have it. So, she needed to think of something else.

“Right. Now, I’ve set up my futon in the other room. If you need anything don’t hesitate to ask.” Eli patted Nozomi’s knee before turning and heading back into the main room.

For the first time since dinner, Nozomi felt a growing anxiety rising from the depths of her stomach as she watched Eli turn to leave. She didn’t know why but she suddenly felt very scared. The voice in her head had been pretty quiet since dinner. But if Eli wasn’t there, then the voice might try to get louder if there wasn’t something to focus on. But Nozomi found that she didn’t want to listen to it, not anymore. So, in an act of desperation, Nozomi grabbed Eli’s wrist to stop her from leaving.

Turning to look at Nozomi, Eli registered the death grip on her wrist. She could feel Nozomi’s fingers shaking slightly and she saw that Nozomi’s face was hidden behind her bangs; her expression obscured.

“Nozomi?” Eli asked gently, but Nozomi’s reply was lost on her as it was too quiet to be heard clearly. 

Eli turned around, clasping her hand atop Nozomi’s on her wrist. “Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked again. She gently swiped Nozomi’s bangs out of the way so she could see her eyes. 

“Don’t…” Nozomi voice broke slightly. She seemed so small to Eli in that moment. “Don’t leave.” 

Eli could feel her heart breaking. “I can move my bed in here if you want.” Eli offered. “Would that make you feel better?” 

“I know I-I have no right to ask, especially after what I did….” Nozomi shook as she spoke.

“What you did? Nozomi, you’re not making any sense.”

Nozomi suddenly bowed her head and torso in Eli’s direction, confusing her even more. “I’m sorry, Elichi. You can hate me later if you like, but please don’t leave right now. I need you to stay with me.”

Eli was exasperated at how Nozomi was acting. She wasn’t making sense. 

“Nozomi,” she said softly. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about. But I’m not about to leave you alone if you need me here let alone  _ hate _ you.” Eli sat down on Nozomi’s bed and scooted in next to her. She pulled her friend’s head down onto her shoulder and just held her. She was still shaking as she quietly sobbed. Nozomi was beginning to wonder if she would ever stop crying that day. 

“The other day. I...I ruined our friendship by k-kissing you. I was weak and selfish and I’m sorry. You even had to push me away because I was so...disgusting.” Nozomi choked out. “Iknow you don’t like me like that but I couldn’t help myself. Everything was so confusing. But that’s not an excuse. I just don’t want to be alone because of it.” Nozomi rambled on.

_ ‘Oh.’ _ Eli’s realization hit her like a ton of bricks and she sat there blinking slowly, parsing the new information. Nozomi thought the kiss was her fault. But how could that be when Eli thought it had been her fault? That she had been the one to take advantage of Nozomi when she had been so sad. It looked as though Kotori had been right after all. 

Eli let out a quiet laugh. This noise caused Nozomi to look at her finally. 

“W-what’s so...” Nozomi sniffed. “Funny?”

Eli sighed and reached once more for Nozomi’s hand. She sighed and rubbed the back of Nozomi’s hand with her thumb. 

“This situation. Well, not all of it. You being sick is very serious,” Eli furrowed her brow. “But the fact that you think I would hate you over a kiss is ridiculous. Especially when I liked it.”

“What?” Nozomi blinked. Eli didn’t sound mad, in fact she sounded relieved. Looking up at her, Nozomi could see that she was even smiling. “Y-you liked it? Then w-why did you…”

“I panicked,” Eli admitted, sheepishly. “The night when we kissed. I thought  _ I  _ had done something wrong to you. You had been so sad, so vulnerable and all I wanted to do was protect you. But I ended up kissing you instead. And it felt wonderful, but then, I panicked because I knew that I shouldn’t be taking advantage of you like that. that’s why I pushed you away. It had nothing to do with whether or not I liked you or that you were disgusting - which I don’t. I would never think of you like that. But I stopped the kiss because I needed to make sure you were okay - which you clearly weren’t. And before we could talk about it…”

Eli took a deep, sad breath. “Well, everything happened. We went to sleep without talking about it. Then you left the next morning before I woke up. You wouldn’t talk to me no matter how much I tried. You were avoiding me and I thought it was all my fault. That  _ I _ had messed up our friendship. That I had not only blown it with the girl I liked but I had also lost my best friend. How was I supposed to feel?”

Eli stared deeply into Nozomi’s eyes. “I should be the one apologizing. I wasn’t there when you needed me. I shouldn’t have let it happen. I was the one who was selfish but I think maybe we were both a little wrong.”

“Eli…”

“No, it’s okay. We needed to talk about it. We both...it was a bad moment. But,” Eli blushed. “But I can’t say that the kiss was bad at all. In the moments where I stopped hating myself about what had happened, all I could think about was how good it felt. How right it was underneath it all. I thought you might have felt it too, but then you ran away. And now things are more complicated.”

“They are, aren’t they?” Nozomi said, to no one in particular. “And it’s all my fault.” She sagged.

“No, stop that.” Eli ordered as she hugged Nozomi to her tightly. “I already said it isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself. I should have been braver earlier. I was confused. I felt guilty. But I worked through those feelings. And if you didn’t feel the same way I did then that would be fine. What mattered the most was you.”

Nozomi’s head was spinning. Was she actually hearing what she thought she was hearing? Eli liked her too. Eli, who was too beautiful, too good for her, too graceful…

Nozomi felt a finger poke her between the eyebrows. 

“None of that.” 

Nozomi looked confused so Eli elaborated.

“You get this look on your face when you’re about to slip off into your mind. I can’t imagine that what your brain is telling you is good anymore. So, let’s try something different. Let’s be honest and out in the open, okay? No more misunderstandings. No more running or hiding for either of us. No more secrets. No more important questions answered by your doubts. Ask  _ me _ instead of your brain.” 

“O-ok,” Nozomi said softly. “You said you liked me. Is that true?”

“Yes,” Eli nodded, very seriously. “Very Much.” Eli searched Nozomi’s face as she spoke. “What about you? Do you like me?”

“Yes,” breathed Nozomi, almost unable to believe what was happening. “I always have.”

Eli smiled brightly, her eyes lighting up. Both girl’s hearts were beating quite loudly, it was a wonder they could hear anything else in the room. 

“Me too.” Eli pressed her forehead gently against the side of Nozomi’s forehead, bringing them as close as possible. “I have since the day that you called out to me on the staircase at school. It took me a little while to realize it, though. Forgive me for being so dense?” 

“Always.” Nozomi said, closing her eyes. “But humor me a second. I’m trying to catch up. It’s like I don’t understand how the world works anymore.”

“Understand what?” Eli looked puzzled. 

“I don’t understand why you like me. What world am I in that you like me back? I mean, you’re so perfect..”

Eli shook her head. “I’m anything but perfect. You of all people should know that. You’ve spent the most time with me. You’re my first friend. My only friend for a long time. You’re my best friend. I’m clumsy. Clingy. And I’m a scaredy cat when it comes to the dark.” Eli shuddered just thinking about it. 

Nozomi finally cracked a smile, which in turn made Eli smile more brightly. 

“See, I’m nothing to be put on a pedestal. But even with all my flaws I know one thing: you make me better than I am. I love that about you. You are smart, wise, clever. You’re an annoying trickster sometimes but I wouldn’t want anyone else at my side. I don’t know how else to explain it. But you make me feel...happy. I’m always happier when I’m with you. I hadn’t felt happy after I moved here,” she laughed wryly.  “Not since I quit dancing, at any rate. And then I met you. You were shy and I was cold and standoffish, but that didn’t stop you. You changed my life that day. And I always want to repay that to you in anyway I can. And I can’t help but love you the more I get to know you.”

“You said, ‘by your side’,” Nozomi dared. “Does that mean that there is hope for us? Can we really…”

“Be together? Yes, I think I would like that. Start a new. A fresh start for us. A better one.” Eli continued smiling. “And when you feel better will you let me take you on a date?” 

“Am I dreaming?” Nozomi asked, leaning in to hug Eli. Her arms wrapped around her torso from the side. Another weight was lifting from her heart. Eli liked her back. No, she loved her.

Eli chuckled. “No, you’re not.” She gave her another squeeze. “So, what do you say? Will you be my girlfriend?”

“Yes. Was there any doubt?” Nozomi said, laying her head against Eli’s shoulder as the blonde stroked her hair. 

Eli laughed and shook her head. “A little bit but I should know better than to doubt the world when it comes to you.” She squeezed Nozomi in a hug.

“Anything else you want to know?” Eli asked, feeling the warmth of affection swelling in her chest.

“Will you kiss me again?” Nozomi blushed, her embarrassment showing at being so direct.

Eli inhaled sharply but she shook her head. Nozomi immediately regretted asking. 

“You don’t have to...I was just joki---”

“No,” interrupted Eli, shifting to look properly at her. “It’s fine that you asked. That’s not it. Never be afraid to ask me anything.” She smiled and Nozomi relaxed a bit. “But I don’t think right now is the right time.”

“Oh. It’s okay, I understand.” Nozomi deflated a bit. 

“No, you don’t.” Eli placed a hand on Nozomi’s cheek, caressing it softly. “I want to kiss you. Oh, do I want to kiss you. But I want it to be when we are both on equal footing. You’ve had a hard day, a hard few weeks really. I want to be close with you, like this,” Eli kissed the top of Nozomi’s head, causing her to blush more. “But anything more, I think I’d like to wait. I want you to believe me when I kiss you. I don’t want there to be any doubts in your mind about tonight or that I might be pitying you for any reason. Okay?”

Nozomi nodded, leaning into Eli’s hand. “Okay.”

“Now, you should really get some sleep.” Eli patted her cheek. She stood up but once again felt herself stopped from leaving by Nozomi’s hand.

“Stay.” Nozomi asked softly again. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” 

Eli’s gaze softened as she looked at Nozomi. “Of course. I can move my stuff in here.”

Nozomi looked bashful and then Eli finally caught on. “Do you want me to sleep with you in the bed?”

A nod. Eli chuckled and smiled softly. “As long as you don’t mind leaving the lamp on for me, I don’t mind. 

“I don’t mind.” Nozomi smiled at her. 

“Then its a deal. I’ll be right back. Go ahead and lay down.” Eli said, switching the lamp next to the bed back on. 

Nozomi nodded and let go of Eli’s hand. Lying down as she had been instructed, she left one corner of the blanket upturned and scooted closer to the wall, making room for Eli.

One by one the lights in the main room went out and after a minute Eli came back in, holding her pillow. She had taken her hair out of its ponytail, letting it flow loosely around her shoulders. Nozomi thought it made her look even more beautiful than normal and she held her breath as Eli shut off the bedroom lights and then slid in beside her. Eli’s body was silhouetted by the light from the lamp behind her, but Nozomi could tell that she was smiling sleepily. 

“There, all set for bed.” Eli said, covering her mouth with one hand as she tried to hide a yawn. 

Of course Eli would be tired. It had also been a long day for her worrying about and taking care of Nozomi. Nozomi felt guilty again, but she want to fix it, somehow. She reached out to Eli as she lay on her side. She took her hand. 

“Thank you.” 

“For what?” Eli squeezed her hand. She snuggled a bit more into her pillow as she rested next to her. Her eyes were beginning to droop. 

“For everything. For helping me. For staying by my side even when I was an idiot and was running away from you.” Nozomi said, quietly. “I’m really am sorry.”

“One, please stop apologizing,” Eli scooted a bit closer to her. “Two, I told you, I care about you. We’ll get through this and come out the other side. We’ll make a plan and you’ll get better. There isn’t anything to worry about. You’re on the right path now, or will be soon. Especially with Nico’s enthusiastic help.”  

Eli laughed softly. Nozomi nodded, but didn’t laugh.

“But what if…” Nozomi shut her eyes tightly. “What if I can’t follow that path? What if the voice is still too loud and I can’t do it? What if I fall down that hole again?” 

Eli could feel how real Nozomi’s fears were; they radiated off of her. But the fact that she was finally talking about them meant that there was more hope than there had been before. 

Catching her off guard, Eli pulled Nozomi to her and jarred her out of her thoughts. The two were so close now as Eli enveloped Nozomi in a tight hug, Nozomi’s head tucked under her chin. She ran her hands over Nozomi’s back and she could feel how thin she had become; from the light ripple of the back of her ribs to the jutting out of her left shoulder blade. Eli couldn’t recall being able to fully wrap her arms around her waist when she hugged her before. She knew that Nozomi had possibly done harm to her body before with the weight lost, but until that moment when they were lying quietly on Nozomi’s bed she didn’t know the full extent of it. Even looking into Nozomi’s eyes made Eli realize just how much larger they looked in comparison to the startling thin lines of her face. She missed the soft eyes and curves of her friend’s face. It pained her that it had gotten this far and she hadn’t prevented it.

“Listen.” Eli inhaled deeply. “I can’t guarantee that those things won’t happen anymore. And sadly, the chances are that they probably will. You’ll stumble and you’ll fall. But I’ll be there when you do. And I will always, always help you back up. We’ll get through this together. What matters most about failing is that it isn’t the end of things, not if you keep trying. You’ll have relapses but you’ll get up again. You’ll know how to prevent them better the next time and eventually you’ll learn to run on your own again. But until then we’ll figure it out. I promise.”

Nozomi nodded, her ear lying against Eli’s heart. She could hear it beat steadily reassuring her of every word that Eli spoke. She was starting to believe that Eli wasn’t going anywhere.

“And if that voice in your head gets too loud, just tell me.” Eli continued and she felt Nozomi grip her tightly. A smile played across her lips at the motion. “I’ll stop whatever it is that I’m doing and I’ll tell you how much you mean to me. How wonderful you are and how brave.”

“I’m only brave because you’re here with me.” Nozomi confessed. 

“Well, then I’ll be here until you can be brave on your own. But for now, let’s get some sleep,” Eli kissed the top of her head. She couldn’t help it, it felt right. 

“You won’t leave?” Nozomi couldn’t stop her from asking.

“Not a chance. I won’t leave. I’ll be here when you wake up. Don’t worry.” Eli confessed as she felt Nozomi relax and her breathing begin to even out. Shifting them slightly so that their position was more comfortable, Eli rested with Nozomi against her. And not once did she let go of her.

As Nozomi drifted off to sleep she clung to Eli’s nightgown, her fingers digging in securely. “I love you, Elichi…” Nozomi murmured before her eyes finally closed. 

Eli pulled the blanket more snugly around them and hummed contentedly as she let herself drifting into sleep as well. “I love you, Nozomi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for the last bit? I'm not. But it had to come. See ya next chapter.


	18. Omake: Clearer Skies

“Nozomi-chan! Nozomi-chan! Watch this, nya~!” 

Nozomi turned around just in time to see Rin take a daring vertical run up the rooftop fence only to do a backflip somersault off of it, landing squarely on her feet. 

“Rin!” Maki and Umi said at the same time. They looked scared out of their minds for their friend, but the rest of the girls laughed as they saw the proud look on Rin’s face. 

“You shouldn’t be so reckless, Rin,” Umi scolded as she pushed the other girl away from the roof’s fence. 

“But it was so cool!” Honoka exclaimed, moving to give Rin a high five.

“Nyeah it was!” Rin squealed, returning the celebratory gesture. “Thanks, Honoka-chan!” 

Maki put her face in one hand and shook her head. “Rin, Umi is right. We’ve only got a week and half left until our next performance. You can’t risk hurting yourself just because you want to do some stupid stunt in order to impress Nozomi.”

“Nyaawww, but it made her smile,” Rin argued, pointing in Nozomi’s direction. 

It was true. Nozomi was grinning brightly from ear to ear as she used a towel to finish drying the sweat from her face from their rather intense practice. 

It had been a month she had collapsed at the shrine; a month since she had put a healthy plan into place with the help of Kotori, Maki, Nico, and Eli. 

It had been a week after that that Nozomi had gathered enough courage to tell the other μ's members what had happened and what she was struggling through. It had been difficult for her to discuss and she had worried that she would only cause them grief by sharing her problems with them. But, in the end, she had been completely wrong about that. 

From the moment that Nozomi had told them, they had gathered her into a large group hug, each μ's member clinging tightly too her as they promised to stick with her the entire way. Many words of friendship and love had been exchanged that day and many tears had fallen as her friends surrounded her with support. It was that day that she truly realized that μ's was her family. 

Her support system was key. Nozomi knew that she would never be able to do it without the help of her friends. 

Recovery had never been an easy thing. It’s a lot of work. Retraining the body and mind from the bad habits it had picked up took time and patience, even on the days when Nozomi thought that everything seemed bleak and that might be easier to given into her doubts and bad habits. It would have been easy to let go and fall back into that pit of despair that she had found herself in before, but she knew that she couldn’t let herself or her friends down. 

Telling her parents had been difficult as well, but when Eli had taken the lead in the conversation it proved easier. She was ever by her side as promised, walking with her and explaining what had happened. Once Nozomi’s mother had calmed down, Eli managed to convince her to let Nozomi remain in Tokyo to finish out her last year of high school. It would be better for her routine and it would also be better for her to have her friends nearby. After a long discussion, Nozomi’s mother agreed, but only after entrusting Nozomi’s well being to Eli. This didn’t prove a problem, though, because Eli had risen to the challenge.

True to her word, Eli had done everything she could to help. She didn’t leave Nozomi’s side that first week if she could help it. When Dr. Nishikino had cleared her for physical exercise, she had helped her ease back into μ's practice and had made sure that she was eating properly. It was a tedious process for Nozomi at first, but she did her best. It also helped that Eli never judged her or her feelings.

Eli said feelings just were what they were and that she should let herself feel them. But she should never let them consume her. That was the most important thing and the therapist that Nozomi had been seeing as a supplement to her recovery plan agreed wholeheartedly. Steadily, Nozomi became more confident and self-assured and she began to let her feelings wash over her instead of controlling her. Little by little good changes were being made and through perseverance she began to put weight back on and slowly return to her old self. 

Eli had personally relished the day that Nozomi’s eyes had stopped looking so gaunt and the roundness of her friend’s face returned. But it wasn’t just the artificial beauty that Eli loved, it was the fact that Nozomi smiled so much more easily as each day passed. It caused her heart to soar when she would see that side of her girlfriend.

There had been road bumps along the way. There probably would continue to be more in the future. There were days when Nozomi’s self-doubt was crippling; where she would miss a μ's practice or a day school, but Eli would be right beside her as soon as she could, telling her that everything would be alright, that things would get better over time. That the sadness would pass in time. She would be there to tell her that, until she could believe for herself that she was worth more, Eli would believe it for it and tell her. And so would the rest of μ's if she needed them. 

Their support had gotten her through the bumps. And it was because of that support that she was able to stand on the roof with her friends at the end of a satisfying practice session and enjoy life. Her thoughts drifted back to the conversation that her friends were having in front of her.

“Oh! I know, what if we added one of those flip thingies into the routine for the song?” Honoka enthusiastically proposed to the entire group. 

Rin’s expression lit up as she jumped for joy. “Nyeah! That would certainly impress our fans. It would also up our ‘edge’ factor for sure!”

“Honoka…” Umi glared at her. 

“Rin, no.” Maki said, flatly.

“Nyawww, but Maki-chan, why nyawt?” Rin pouted as she and Honoka shared a hurt puppy dog look as they faced their naysayers.

“Because, only you can do that kind of a move.” Maki said simply. “We aren’t acrobats, we’re school idols.” 

“Not true, I think Eli-chan could do it. She is a trained dancer after all,” Kotori added, unhelpfully.

“Kotori, that’s not the point! The point is it is dangerous.” Umi crossed her arms in protest. 

“Y-yeah!” Hanayo squeaked from the edge of the group. “S-sorry, Rin-chan. But those flips are scary…” 

“It’s okay, Kayo-chin~~” Rin said, coming over to fondly rub her cheek against Hanayo’s face.

Honoka looked deflated. Her awesome idea was lost on her unimaginative friends.

“And besides,” Maki reasoned. “It really isn’t that kind of a song. You’d need something really high energy in order to utilize moves like that.”

“Oh! Then Maki-chan is going to write us a flip-worthy song in the future, then?” Honoka looked at the second year hopefully. 

Maki winced. “That’s not what I said!”

Nico pushed in between the two girls and cleared her throat. “Now, now, girls. We should table this discussion for later. We have more important things to think about.”

“That’s uncharacteristically reasonable of you, Nico-chan.” Maki looked at her suspiciously. 

“Nico is always reasonable! And Idol is always reasonable!” Nico puffed out her chest proudly. “But back to the subject at hand. We need to discuss putting more of Nico’s idol poses in the song! How else will we be able to shine properly!?” Nico struck her signature pose, making the love sign with her hands. 

They should have known this was coming. But the fact that they didn’t realize it until it was too late made all of the other girls groan loudly. Everyone except for Nozomi who was watching her friends with a fond smile.

The discussion at hand didn’t matter much to Nozomi. She knew that the arguing would never be serious in the end. They were all too great of friends. Each one had a personality as loyal and caring as the next. 

Rin, who had begun to gift Nozomi a new paper origami cat each day. She would fold them and then hide them somewhere different each day so that whenever Nozomi was least expecting it, she would find a tiny paper cat and it would make her smile and think of the energetic Rin. 

Umi, who had taken a serious approach to the problem when she found out about Nozomi’s disorder. She had done the responsible thing and recommended low stress stamina exercises as well as taught Nozomi some of her movement and meditation techniques that she had learned at her family’s dojo. She confided in Nozomi that she knew what it was like to have an overactive mind and thought Nozomi would benefit from learning them. Umi had been right; they had helped immensely. 

Kotori, who was as kind and gentle as they came used her influence to reassure Nozomi that she was perfect just the way she was built. Kotori had taken to using her fashion talent to help pick out and make items of clothing that flattered her figure. “Every body is beautiful,” Kotori would say with a smile. “Especially when you dress it in the right clothes.”

Hanayo, who had used her vast knowledge of the idol world to locate and gift Nozomi pictures, magazines and videos of an amazingly talented plus sized idol group based out of Nagoya. They weren’t as popular as some groups but they had heart. That’s what Hanayo wanted to share with her. That she could be anything she wanted, even if she wasn’t as skinny as some of the other idols out there.

Honoka, who decided that the best way to cheer Nozomi up when she was sad was to shower her in snacks. And so, Honoka began gifting special limited edition manjuu  from her family’s bakery to Nozomi when she was having particularly rough days. It was a tasty pick-me-up as Honoka would say. It was very much a ‘Honoka’ thing to do and Nozomi had expected nothing less from the Honk queen. 

Maki, who composed small pieces of music to cheer Nozomi up. And also sent her ridiculously cute stuff animals from her home collection. She made excuses about having too many because she was rich, but Nozomi could see that this was Maki’s way of bonding with her after the incident. Maki would send a motivational lyric with each stuffed animal she sent. Maki was shy about her feelings for her friends sometimes, but her feelings were never anything less than genuine when she did show them. Nozomi’s stuffed animal collection was growing.

Nico, who was, well Nico. A idol made others smile. And she would always make sure that Nozomi was smiling and enjoying her moments with μ's. Nico had become a closer friend because underneath all of her bravado she would do anything to see Nozomi smile. A true, caring person. That was Nico.

And then there was Eli. But what else could Nozomi possibly say about her most important person in the world? 

Nozomi giggled as she continued to watch the μ's girls. The laugh echoed of the wall near where she was standing and Eli couldn’t help but stare at the happiness that was overflowing from Nozomi that day. 

“Now, that...” Eli smirked as she walked over to Nozomi. “...is a sound I love to hear.” 

Nozomi turned to look at Eli and each time she did she would spend what felt like hours staring into her shining blue eyes. She loved Eli’s eyes because her gaze always held a truth and reassurance that drew her in more and more. 

Taking another moment at her, Nozomi wanted to make sure there was nothing about her beloved that she was missing. Not one detail or expression because Nozomi was fond of all of them and wanted to make up for lost time from when they were just friends. Nozomi had never been as present in any moments of her life had been with Eli those past weeks, nor had she ever been aware of all of the beautiful things around her. Of course, that label extended to Eli as well.

The silence made Eli wonder if there was something wrong.

“How are you feeling? Any aches or sore muscles?” Eli asked, squeezing Nozomi’s hand reassuringly. It had slipped into hers when she hadn’t been looking. 

That seemed to be happening a lot more as of late. Not that she minded.

“I’m a little stiff but other than that I feel pretty good.” Nozomi smiled.

“I’m glad. You’ve come a long way,” Eli said, softly. “Your stamina is back and you’re doing really well on your timing.”

Nozomi chuckled. “You’re flattering me again.”

“Maybe. But honestly, I’m really proud of you. You’ve worked so hard to get to this point.”

“I’ve got a long way to go, though.” Nozomi looked out over the roof top. 

“True,” Eli said, using her free hand to turn Nozomi’s face back towards her. “But we all do. Plus, I think this song is our best one yet.”

“You’re just saying that because Maki-chan wrote the song for me.” Nozomi snorted with laughter.

“All of μ's wrote it, including you,” Eli corrected. “But yes, Maki did compose the music as a gift for you first.  Everyone else sort of jumped on the band wagon after that.” she smiled. “Great ideas are contagious, especially because it was for you: our goddess.” 

Eli looked at her fondly and Nozomi couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. Her cheeks flushed a bright red. 

“Mou, Elichi,” She pouted, bringing her hands to her face, feeling the warmth. 

Eli laughed. “Fine, fine. I’ll lay off. But Snow Halation is your song at heart and you are doing well with everything else. I’m just happy I get to watch you grow so strong.” Eli pulled Nozomi to her and pressed her forehead against hers. “I love you.” 

It was barely above a whisper but the words made Nozomi’s heart flutter. 

“I love you too.” she hummed quietly. 

Nozomi let her eyes close for a moment as she savored the contact. Eli made her happy incredibly happy but there was still something else she wanted. 

“Ne, Elichi?”

“Hmm?” 

“Would now be a good time for that kiss?” Nozomi smirked, opening her eyes and gazing into the deep pools of of sky blue color that made up Eli’s eyes. She searched them for hesitance or rejection but she only found calm waves of love that washed over her.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Eli grinned as she leaned in and ever so gently brushed her lips against Nozomi’s. “I think it would be the perfect time.”

The action caused Nozomi to inhale sharply, feeling the heat of Eli’s breath against her own. She laughed. It was a light airy sound that made Eli’s heart join Nozomi’s in time. 

Nozomi closed the small distance between them and kissed her. Her soft lips moved slowly against Eli’s as she began to timidly explore how they fit together in that moment. Remaining steady as a rock, Eli fed gentle encouragement as she wrapped her arms around her waist, returning the emotion. But before long, Eli wanted more. A nudge of her nose later and Eli was encouraging Nozomi to take more of what she wanted. The kiss deepened into a searing,  passionate memory. A first kiss for the ages and one that their hearts wanted more than anything. 

Smiling into the kiss, Eli felt Nozomi respond by digging her fingers into the hem of her shirt. It felt as if she never wanted to let go. But Eli didn’t mind. The two girls were lost in each other. The argument behind them had been long forgotten. Nor did the they hear the sudden and loud cheer from the rest of μ's that followed their kiss. It might as well have been just the two of them left in the entire world.

And it was sheer bliss. 

\---

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are, friends, at the end of the story together. 
> 
> There is so much I could say about this piece. I've enjoyed writing it and I've learned a lot in the process about myself and my writing abilities. 18 chapters is a lot and I've spent the better part of a year writing this. It will be sad to say goodbye to it but I believe that I've written this story to the best of my ability. There will be other new stories but for now, this one is complete. We've gone on a journey together and that was worth a lot, don't you think?
> 
> Nozomi will continue to recover with the help of her friends. I tried to make it clear that the ending was really only a beginning for her. Recovery is never an easy thing for any one, no matter what the problem is that you are facing. It's hard as hell sometimes and at the end of the day you can only do your best and keep trying. Sometimes you need help and that's okay. And for Nozomi she got that help and will continue to do so. But fear not, even though this story is over, I will take good care of her in the future.
> 
> I wanted to thank each and every one of you for sticking with me during that time and leaving such wonderful and heartfelt comments. Each one meant something special to me. Thank you for reading my story and thank you to those that continue to support me. I am honored that you like my work.
> 
> I will continue to write stories. I hope you continue to read them. I've got plenty of ideas. If you want to, hit me up at Icaruswings87.tumblr.com. I'll answer messages when I can. I do prompts from time to time as well as share art and fiction by other fabulous writers over there so that you can check out their work. 
> 
> And last but not least, remember to thank all your favorite fanfic writers and artists in your fandoms. Give back when you can. Make our world a better place even if it is a world of sitting in Idol Hell. (HAHA). It is through everyone's support that we create something that we all enjoy.
> 
> But for now I must leave you. I hope you have enjoyed this story. 
> 
> <3 Icarus


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